Forum Index
»
Off-Topic
Scared of my husband
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
That's probably not the most helpful or constructive comment. However, with it's being said.... OP, when I went to an attorney, I was told that if I got an order of protection against my DH that he would loose his clearance. I got DH to agree to get help and never wound up leaving or getting an order of protection against him. I did however have the plan to leave. I had money, a place to go, and the knowledge that DH would never ask for joint custody. He loves his kids, but he has openly admitted that he could never, and would never be the primary caregiver. |
Anonymous
This posted before I was ready, sorry. I wanted to also tell you that no matter how you are feeling now, doing the right thing will be easier than you think it will be. You are stronger than you think you are. |
Anonymous
PP- Would you be willing to say if he lost his clearance for seeking help? How sensitive was his job? |
Anonymous
| 21:18 here. The comment was an addition to a PP who said that OP needed for H to keep his job to help pay for child support. But I didn't mean that OP shouldn't seek help if that would mean H losing his job. You need to get help. Please get help for you and your children. |
Anonymous
He didn't loose his clearance, as I never got an order of protection. His job is extremely sensitive. |
Anonymous
Can you loose an extremely sensitive job if you seek help eg counseling for domestic/abuse issues? |
Anonymous
I have talked with people who seem to think it could compromise a clearance. It's good to hear that PP's husband was able to get help without having his pulled, downgraded, whatever. He would certainly have to disclose the fact of receiving treatment. Wouldn't the doctor or therapist have to make some sort of a statement? I don't get the impression that he'd be entitled to complete confidentiality. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I also think you should contact a women's shelter. You can call anonymously and ask your questions to determine whether you feel they can offer the confidentiality you need. I have worked at shelters, and it may vary from place to place, but the only time we would break confidentiality was if the someone's life was in immediate danger (like you're on the phone with them and he's in the background yelling that he's going to kill you) or in cases of child abuse. If there is child abuse involved, you're going to have a hard time finding anyone who can help you who is not a mandated reporter; I'm not trying to discourage you from getting help, but you need to be aware of that.
If he is really dangerous, you need to make a plan and act quickly. Don't wait because you're worried about someone finding out. You can do this! |
Anonymous
|
Thanks for the concern and the excellent advice. It's hard to be more specific b/c I know he knows I use this site. I did talk to a counselor about the entire situation, including what I found that struck fear in my spine for my safety, or my dd's safety, or other women's safety. We strategized the safest way to end the relationship, given our mutual concerns about his behavior, and to minimize provoking him. I do think losing his job would absolutely drive him over the edge. He says taking his kids from him would also cause him to lose it. In the final decision, though, I would have to feel that my kids are safe in his care before I could ever agree to joint custody, his job be damned. I think that alone will help him agree to seek counseling and anger management under the table so that he doesn't lose his job or lose the kids. It's calling the police that would cost him everything and gain me very little (God knows a restraining order is worth nothing to my safety) so I'm trying to defuse, defuse, defuse and provide him with a face-saving way out.
And yes Maria, this is Siam. I lost my PW to that email account but would love to talk to you. Can you post here where to email you? I don't have any of your ct info anymore. |
Anonymous
What did you find? |
Anonymous
|
op, i only sort of know what you are going through and it is hard. i divorced someone with borderline personality disorder (i am convinced, no formal diagnosis). we have joint custody. he is not violent physically, but angry and a bully. i've had to manage and diffuse him for years. many people have been quite critical of the way i've handled him. they think that i "give in" to him. but they honestly do not understand how to deal with people who have personality disorders. with no history of abuse, i could not challenge him for full custody. i went over his behavior extensively with a lawyer and she said that no judge would ever grant me full custody because so much of it is subtle and manipulative and directed at me. of course, there are also the moments when he caused me to loose it in reaction to his insanity--a few episodes of breakdown and/or screaming at him and freaking out. he would bring every one of those episodes up in excruciating detail whenever i made even the slightest suggestion of full custody.
so, here i am, still managing him every day of my life until my child becomes an adult. if i have to do it in order to protect my child, i will. most people do not understand that that is what i am doing. it can be very hard for others to completely grasp how unrelentingly destructive people like this can be to people who are close to them while they seem relatively benign to the outside world. |
Anonymous
My question too. If we had an idea (please don't be too specific for your sefety) it may help us to help you. We're all worried about you and your DD. |
Anonymous
Anonymous
| Worried about you. |
Anonymous
| Please also post what jurisdiction you're in so that we can direct you to specific resources. Hugs! |