Funeral for the parent of a friend-how do you decide whether to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I debated this a couple of times, only the travel was father and I would have had to fly. I didn’t go… but in the case you share, if I could drive, I would probably go.

But here’s the deal: don’t beat yourself over not going, if that’s what it ends up to be.
I disagree with any poster that suggests your friend will be hurt by your absence.
Your friend has lots of responsibilities, is grieving and will have lots of tasks for the funeral. This includes greeting and visiting with lots of people who your friend will not see any other time. Your friend will be exhausted and sometimes it’s nice to not have to exert energy to also entertaining friends (even well intentioned ones).

Afterward, when life is returning to normal, this is when you can be present and a good friend with phone calls, visits, sending mail, etc.

Signed,
Someone who has buried both parents and remembers all the work that funerals bring.

"farther" or "further" not "father" as that is "dad"

Obviously a typo, jerk.

[Anonymous]

Very good friend, yes. Friend, no. I think you should go if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

This. I will never forgive my in-laws for not going to my moms funeral. I gave them an out, and they took it. They missed my dads too, but that was overseas and they were too old to travel there.

[Anonymous]

I’m so grateful to my friends who came to my Mom’s celebration of life. One flew in from out of state. Others drive (more local). I’m not mad at one who didn’t come (sent flowers) but forever just love that they came to support me and honor my Mom.

[Anonymous]

3 hours away would be my limit, unless it was my best friend or a friend I felt like really needed my support. I’ve lost my parents and my inlaws, and I don’t think any friends traveled beyond a few hours for the funeral. Nor would I have expected them to.

[Anonymous]

Op here- thanks, I’m going. I”m actually gong to fly, which is expensive but I was dreading the drive. I think I’m most ruminating over the fact that if the situation were reversed she would send a lovely bouquet of flowers with her regrets …and I’m making sacrifices to be there. But I’d rather be the type of person who goes.

[Anonymous]

I have never regretted going to a funeral, I have regretted not going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

I like this. I went to a similar funeral years ago and had to take a nursing infant on my own for a 4 hour drive and wear her at the funeral. My friend was shocked I came and it still means so much to her that I made such an effort. I barely knew the mother.

My rule as well. When my father died some people I wasn’t even that close to came to the funeral and I was really touched.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you decided to go, OP. I'm another member of the "always go to the funeral" camp. This essay sums it up nicely:

https://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 hours away would be my limit, unless it was my best friend or a friend I felt like really needed my support. I’ve lost my parents and my inlaws, and I don’t think any friends traveled beyond a few hours for the funeral. Nor would I have expected them to.

Same. Plus, some people are surrounded by people - ie: not sure of their friend status but there are people that always seem to have a crowd around them, so I don't know how much it would matter that one more person is or is not there.

[Anonymous]

When my father passed away, One friend made a 5 hour drive, and another flew in. It meant the world to me. I know they, and a larger group discussed who could go, and made sure some were there - life doesn't permit everyone to come.

In this group, my father was one of the first to pass, but we are getting to an age when they will all hit at once. I'm actually building a line item into our budget for flights/hotels to attend funerals, so time permitting is the only obstacle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

This is nice.

I have one childhood friend for whom I would make the trip. (Same deal -- 4.5 hours.) Her parents did so much for me growing up. I had a dysfunctional family, and most people didn't know, but this family knew and bent over backward to help me. I would be there in a heartbeat.

Most of my other friends, I would feel comfortable calling and sending flowers.

[Anonymous]

You don't base your decision on whether she would go to your mom's funeral. Wtf? I flew to another country to be with my best friend when her father suddenly passed away. The only thing I could think of was how I wanted to be there to comfort her and didn't want her to be alone through any of it.

[Anonymous]

A very good friend? You go, absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- thanks, I’m going. I”m actually gong to fly, which is expensive but I was dreading the drive. I think I’m most ruminating over the fact that if the situation were reversed she would send a lovely bouquet of flowers with her regrets …and I’m making sacrifices to be there. But I’d rather be the type of person who goes.

making it tit for tat is kinda weird. Do the right thing without it being an obligation that the other person has to "return" You never know what her situation will be like when your parent dies. You can go - you can afford the travel and the time off. You can't know what her future holds.