AITA: summer edition

[Anonymous]

Neither of you are AHs.

He's entitled to a more relaxed rhythm. You are entitled to have your load lightened.

Surely he can envision a relaxed summer with tutoring? Can't he freelance the tutoring and set his own hours? I spent years paying for tutors who did this and charged upward of $90/hr, so it can be done

I agree that he should get some clients, then see if he can take the kids on certain days (at least on weekends!), so you don't have to do it all, all the time.

I mean, there is a LOT of room for compromise here. It's not all or nothing!

[Anonymous]

I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

[Anonymous]

I think the timing is more the problem than the content. It’s the end of the year and he is probably super stressed. I know in VA that SOLs are coming up, which are super important for teachers, and kids are probably poorly behaved because summer is in sight, at least my middle schooler is being a huge pain lately. I have a few friends who are teachers and they are all very stressed right now. He is probably thinking he just needs to push through these last six weeks and then he can finally relax, and it was more of an emotional reaction than him deciding he has earned those weeks of doing nothing. Especially if he has never worked in the summers before and this was the first time you brought it up.

I also think teaching is just incredibly hard and there’s basically zero down time all day so teachers need summers off to rest and be ready for another grueling year. On a regular basis, you probably get to eat lunch in your office or take a few minutes to browse DCUM a few times during the day or chat with co-workers over coffee and go to the bathroom whenever you feel like it. You probably get validation from bosses or clients when you turn in projects. He is on his feet most of the day, being greeted by surly and smelly tweens/teens who aren’t happy to be there. There are lots and lots of perks of an office job, and his only perk is summers off. And it’s a limited window at that - once the kids are out of daycare, I imagine he will be doing a lot summer child care. So it’s only a handful of years of this summer off thing.

I would bring it up again later, maybe during a discussion about finances and how your savings took a big hit with those expenses. Tutoring doesn’t have to be planned out in advance, he could pick up clients even after having a couple of weeks off to relax. I think you’re right that if you’re in financial dire straights, he doesn’t need 10 full weeks to lay by the pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had to dip into our emergency fund pretty substantially this year to cover several unexpected and large expenses (both medical and home related). So can we put food on the table, yes. Are we able to replenish our savings and get us back to a financially stable place, not really. Our HHI is about $160k so we do well, but aren’t super high income.

The extra tutoring money would allow us the flexibility to go on a small vacation this summer or put additional money away.

And do I resent my DH some that he sleeps in until whenever and lays out by the pool while I’m in the office 5 days a week, yes a bit. So I guess that makes me the AH. I also don’t like the pressure of having always been the breadwinner. If I lose my job we are in big trouble financially so I work incredibly hard to always be the high performer while he hangs out all summer at the pool or traveling while I work.

So I will own I’m the AH who should have married better (not the teacher) to avoid these feelings.

OP, I'm also married to a teacher and this topic (summers) was an ongoing source of conflict over the years. At one point we were in the same situation you are (needing to build up savings due to unexpected expenses) and he still refused to take on tutoring or anything else over the summer. I seethed for years as we (I) dug out of the financial hole.

Years later, in marriage counseling, he admitted that he had been TA, but by then so many similar such behaviors had accumulated that the damage was done. We are still married but it has not been easy or pretty.

I think it is completely reasonable for you to ask him to take on extra work and that no, YANTAH.

Consider counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are AHs.

He's entitled to a more relaxed rhythm. You are entitled to have your load lightened.

Surely he can envision a relaxed summer with tutoring? Can't he freelance the tutoring and set his own hours? I spent years paying for tutors who did this and charged upward of $90/hr, so it can be done

I agree that he should get some clients, then see if he can take the kids on certain days (at least on weekends!), so you don't have to do it all, all the time.

I mean, there is a LOT of room for compromise here. It's not all or nothing!

+1 I agree with all this. Neither of you are AHs. Just find a good balance where he can enjoy a more relaxing summer break (one of the main perks of being a teacher is getting that summer break after 10 months of hard work for low pay!) but also contribute to the household--by earning some extra income or doing more around the house/childcare, house projects, etc. Maybe you just approached the subject at a bad time (the end of the school year is typically the most stressful time for teachers--you guys should've discussed this long ago).

[Anonymous]

What does he normally do in the summers? When I was teaching I always also worked a summer job either teaching summer school or summer camps because we needed the money. But I wouldn't have liked it if my spouse told me I had to do that. I did it because I knew our family needed the $$. Does he view your family financial situation differently than you do? Maybe he doesn't think you need the money or maybe he feels he needs the time off more than your family needs the money...whether or not that's him being selfish I don't know since I don't know the details of your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given your added info about dipping into emergency funds during the year, I can see where I, in your shoes, would be a bit upset that DH did not decide, on his own, to take on some tutoring (at a minimum!) to help replenish your rainy day fund. A central office summer job might further burn him out, be too restrictive of his time, and impact the upcoming school. Don't many of us sometimes wish for a 9-month job to reset ourselves during the summer...then again most of us don't teach. As a household team, it should not be all or nothing. Your DH doing nothing all summer to contribute to the household finances, would in my mind make HTA.

Where do you live that the school year is 9 months/summer break is 3 months? In FCPS this past school year, teachers' first day was August 14 and last day for teachers will be June 18. That's 10 months by my count and that is similar to what every teacher/every school district I've heard of is like.

[Anonymous]

OP back. I appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I’ll try to answer a few lingering questions that seem to run through several responses.

Last summer he didn’t work. We had a newborn and I was on maternity leave and was just struggling. That kid is now 1 (older kid is 3.5) and in daycare. The summers prior he has worked. It’s been different things (tutoring, one summer before kids he bartended a couple night a week, took some odd jobs), but it’s always been a little something coming in.

He could take the kids from daycare but honestly he’s nap-trapped a good portion of the day and the 1 year old really doesn’t care about museums and such.

He leaves for school early (6:45) because he has morning duties so I’m on deck already every day for getting kids up and ready. He’s not a morning person so without nagging I don’t foresee him suddenly taking on morning duties. And really, I’m so over nagging.

I appreciate the perspective of the pp who admitted to seething while rebuilding the nest egg. I see him out spending money while I work. The resentment is creeping in.

I should also add that he really loves teaching and is great at connecting with kids who don’t want to be there (particularly tween/teen boys). So while teaching is hard, I totally agree with that, he’s not completely beat down and downtrodden (yet).

[Anonymous]

Just as an aside, it takes a special kind of person to enjoy teaching at the middle school level. Kudos to your husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

It's a great benefit, but once a spouse and children are in the picture, it's reasonable to expect that the family's needs take priority, vs. time off for the teacher.

RE SAHMs, many of them do in fact pick up paid work when the need arises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

I mean, presumably a middle school math teacher actually has an interest in the subject he teaches, so while summers off are a perk, they're not the only good thing about teaching.

Also, what SAHM is sitting her a$$ all summer? I work so I have no dog in that fight but seriously.

And it's not begrudging your spouse a perk of their job to want them to help you out when they are less busy than you. It's called being a teammate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

I mean, presumably a middle school math teacher actually has an interest in the subject he teaches, so while summers off are a perk, they're not the only good thing about teaching.

Also, what SAHM is sitting her a$$ all summer? I work so I have no dog in that fight but seriously.

And it's not begrudging your spouse a perk of their job to want them to help you out when they are less busy than you. It's called being a teammate.

If kids are in daycare all summer, what is a SAHM doing? Sitting on her ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

I think the salient point is that they need more money. One spouse will already be working full time, but having the summer off gives the teacher spouse time to pick up more work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. I appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I’ll try to answer a few lingering questions that seem to run through several responses.

Last summer he didn’t work. We had a newborn and I was on maternity leave and was just struggling. That kid is now 1 (older kid is 3.5) and in daycare. The summers prior he has worked. It’s been different things (tutoring, one summer before kids he bartended a couple night a week, took some odd jobs), but it’s always been a little something coming in.

He could take the kids from daycare but honestly he’s nap-trapped a good portion of the day and the 1 year old really doesn’t care about museums and such.

He leaves for school early (6:45) because he has morning duties so I’m on deck already every day for getting kids up and ready. He’s not a morning person so without nagging I don’t foresee him suddenly taking on morning duties. And really, I’m so over nagging.

I appreciate the perspective of the pp who admitted to seething while rebuilding the nest egg. I see him out spending money while I work. The resentment is creeping in.

I should also add that he really loves teaching and is great at connecting with kids who don’t want to be there (particularly tween/teen boys). So while teaching is hard, I totally agree with that, he’s not completely beat down and downtrodden (yet).

Almost all women who are their family's main breadwinners and the default parents end up resentful. This has to change. It is fair to tell him you do not support him taking the summer off. Sounds like you are an attorney. Lawyering is not easy, either. We'd all feel better if we got ten weeks to hang out at the pool while our kids are in childcare and our spouse works. He isn't entitled to a regular sabbatical where he isn't contributing anything to the family while you do it all. Getting the kids fed, dressed, and ready to leave with you should be his job. If he fails, he can stay home with them all day or transport them to and from daycare. That is a tiny little contribution he can make. And you should hold firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

I mean, presumably a middle school math teacher actually has an interest in the subject he teaches, so while summers off are a perk, they're not the only good thing about teaching.

Also, what SAHM is sitting her a$$ all summer? I work so I have no dog in that fight but seriously.

And it's not begrudging your spouse a perk of their job to want them to help you out when they are less busy than you. It's called being a teammate.

If kids are in daycare all summer, what is a SAHM doing? Sitting on her ass.

I don’t know any SAHM whose kids go to daycare.