DC is finishing freshman year and doesn't want to return

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a balance you need to strike between listening and being compassionate, and helping them find their grit. My DC was really unhappy after freshman year and was making plans to transfer spring sophomore year. I told DC I’d support it, but - I also called DC out on the fact that they hadn’t given their current school a fair shot, hadn’t put themselves out there, they didn’t really try to meet people outside of the roommate group, etc And running away to someplace else thinking it would be all better isn’t the answer if they are only going to put themselves in another environment where they repeat the same approach and behaviors. And then add in that spring semester sophomore year friend groups are even more solidified and breaking in is even harder. In the end, DC went back sophomore year, joined more clubs, met people in class, and it has been so much better since then. They are now a Junior and are so happy they stayed. There is no one answer to this OP, it’s really hard, but I will say, as a generation our kids don’t have the resilience that we had, and if it is about that, you may need to be your DC’s spine until they get stronger.

I'm the PP whose kid wants to leave and I said this to them too. I think it resonated a little bit, which is why we're asking them to explore multiple paths at the same time and meet with a therapist b/c they are definitely mildly depressed and maybe lacking social skills in a way I don't see as their parent.

PP here, it was this for my kid. I had to help them see that yes, returning for Sophomore year was hard. But going someplace else was going to be equally hard. So, pick your hard.
By staying, having courage, learning those social skills, finding success, has helped immensely in their confidence to handle tough situations. I swear college is about life skills these days, that's what I'm paying 90k for!

[Anonymous]

I wanted to leave after freshman year at a SLAC. It was too small and cliqueish and I wanted to transfer to a larger school where I’d have more social opportunities. (It wasn’t that I couldn’t make friends/find people to hang out with) it was that it felt stifling to me to always be w same small groups of friends and see the same people around campus/in class ALL the time.

I ultimately didn’t wind up transferring for a variety of reasons (didn’t want to go to the trouble of transferring; didn’t want to give up my scholarship; didn’t want to take the risk of transferring and still not having it be the right fit, etc) but looking back i think I probably should have transferred. It just wasn’t the right fit for me. I graduated almost 20 years ago now and I don’t keep up w a single friend from college anymore and haven’t for years. I have lots of other friends so I don’t think it’s me, it just wasn’t the right place for me.

[Anonymous]

One of the most valuable character traits a kid can develop is the mental toughness to plow forward towards a goal, even when it’s unpleasant or difficult. College isn’t supposed to be all fun & games. Frustration & discomfort are part if it.

If he develops the habit of taking a time out whenever the going gets tough, it will hamper him forever.

[Anonymous]

Many people operate on the assumption that when things are unpleasant and hard, something is WRONG.

People who succeed are often people who find themselves in a rough position but nevertheless do NOT look for an exit ramp.

A huge part of military training is to get you accustomed to being in really crappy situations in which failure/quitting is not an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to leave after freshman year at a SLAC. It was too small and cliqueish and I wanted to transfer to a larger school where I’d have more social opportunities. (It wasn’t that I couldn’t make friends/find people to hang out with) it was that it felt stifling to me to always be w same small groups of friends and see the same people around campus/in class ALL the time.

I ultimately didn’t wind up transferring for a variety of reasons (didn’t want to go to the trouble of transferring; didn’t want to give up my scholarship; didn’t want to take the risk of transferring and still not having it be the right fit, etc) but looking back i think I probably should have transferred. It just wasn’t the right fit for me. I graduated almost 20 years ago now and I don’t keep up w a single friend from college anymore and haven’t for years. I have lots of other friends so I don’t think it’s me, it just wasn’t the right place for me.

+1. I went to a large public university and didn't find my footing socially. I ended up transferring home and going to a commuter school and graduating a year later than expected.

One year is enough time to determine fit. Now that I have a painfully shy and introverted teen, I'm actually thankful for that experience because it exposed me to something that I wasn't used to as an extrovert as I always found my people.

I would be more concerned about pushing it and making things worse. You never know what kids are struggling with.

[Anonymous]

I would be very, very clear in my own head about my sphere of control here. You’re talking about a legal adult. So I would start with lots of listening and emotional support. Then I would ask them what they want to do and get clarity on how you (the parents) and your $$$ factor into their plan.

For me, staying at the school on the current terms is an option. Transferring to another 4 year school where my (the parent) financial obligation would be similar is also an option. Going to community college and living at home MAY be an option if there is a clear plan (ex: I’m going to take a bunch of core courses that will apply to gen Ed credits at most colleges, while I research and apply to other 4 year schools). Working towards a self supporting non-college type path (welding school, etc) would be an option. Though with either of those last two options, there would be expectations on being an adult family member and what that meant (responsibilities around the house, possibly getting a part time job, etc). Moving out, doing literally whatever they want and paying their own way? Always an option.

Staying home and not doing much, or vague plans, where mom and dad foot the bill? That is NOT an option. Mom and dad pay the bills and provide free rent when you healthy/capable only if you are on a reasonable path towards being self supporting. If you are not on that path, you need to find other living accommodations. This limit does not come with judgements, warnings, or hand wringing. It is simply your personal boundary on how you spend your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the most valuable character traits a kid can develop is the mental toughness to plow forward towards a goal, even when it’s unpleasant or difficult. College isn’t supposed to be all fun & games. Frustration & discomfort are part if it.

If he develops the habit of taking a time out whenever the going gets tough, it will hamper him forever.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to be supportive but I really don't want them to leave this school. They just didn't find their place. I want them to give it another shot (good scholarship, good school) but want to respect their decision not to return. I'm afraid if they take time off they might not return anywhere. Anyone else have a similar experience and can give me some perspective? They are coming home soon and I want to be prepared for what steps I need to take/help them take.

Find out what is going on. What are main reasons? No friends? Can't relate to people? Community is not their vibe? Is it a school with all of these protests? That would definitely ruin the vibe. Many kids having miserable time because of the chaos. No fun. Glad my kid is at a school where they do not have these protests. They are studying and having fun.

Find out what is up and go from there and also look at colleges that may allow him/her to take classes around her while home? Maybe AU or another school so they don't fall behind.

[Anonymous]

If they're not happy where they are I wouldn't make them go back with the caveat that they MUST have a plan of what they are going to do going forward and have taken steps to get there. If they're not happy now staying another year most likely won't change anything.

We are in the middle of this process right now. Kid came to us at Thanksgiving and said they weren't happy where they were. Academically they were doing fantastic and they also had found friends but ultimately the school was not the right choice for them, both major wise and culture wise. It turns out the criteria they thought they wanted for a school really wasn't what they wanted in reality.

Kid already had a plan for what they wanted to do which involved not going back spring semester and eventually transferring. By the time thye decided to tell us they'd already applied and been accepted to do the spring semester at the State college near our home. Kid has applied to several schools to transfer to in the fall and we're still waiting to hear back from a few. They've gotten into one so far that is a top choice so they'll be going back to a campus in the fall although we're not 100% sure which one yet.

As long as they have a plan in place (be it work for a year, transfer to a stopgap school for a semester or two, whatever) I wouldn't force them back. However, staying home with no plans would not be an option.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would suggest you approach this from the complete opposite direction. "I want to be supportive" ~ you don't have to be. "I want to be prepared for what steps I need to take/help them take." ~ you have no obligation and I think you have no role here. I wouldn't even listen to them complaining. If they come to you wanting actual advice, that's different ... such as, "I'm accepted to X school. I think I want to attend there instead of Y. What do you think?"
"Give me some perspective." ~ the student attends their original school (of course they do!) unless *they* enroll and make all the arrangements to attend somewhere else. Without skipping a beat. And only if it's a financial change that you agree with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a balance you need to strike between listening and being compassionate, and helping them find their grit. My DC was really unhappy after freshman year and was making plans to transfer spring sophomore year. I told DC I’d support it, but - I also called DC out on the fact that they hadn’t given their current school a fair shot, hadn’t put themselves out there, they didn’t really try to meet people outside of the roommate group, etc And running away to someplace else thinking it would be all better isn’t the answer if they are only going to put themselves in another environment where they repeat the same approach and behaviors. And then add in that spring semester sophomore year friend groups are even more solidified and breaking in is even harder. In the end, DC went back sophomore year, joined more clubs, met people in class, and it has been so much better since then. They are now a Junior and are so happy they stayed. There is no one answer to this OP, it’s really hard, but I will say, as a generation our kids don’t have the resilience that we had, and if it is about that, you may need to be your DC’s spine until they get stronger.

I'm the PP whose kid wants to leave and I said this to them too. I think it resonated a little bit, which is why we're asking them to explore multiple paths at the same time and meet with a therapist b/c they are definitely mildly depressed and maybe lacking social skills in a way I don't see as their parent.

PP here, it was this for my kid. I had to help them see that yes, returning for Sophomore year was hard. But going someplace else was going to be equally hard. So, pick your hard.
By staying, having courage, learning those social skills, finding success, has helped immensely in their confidence to handle tough situations. I swear college is about life skills these days, that's what I'm paying 90k for!

I love this and am going to use it with DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the most valuable character traits a kid can develop is the mental toughness to plow forward towards a goal, even when it’s unpleasant or difficult. College isn’t supposed to be all fun & games. Frustration & discomfort are part if it.

If he develops the habit of taking a time out whenever the going gets tough, it will hamper him forever.

I had a miserable first year at HYP and managed to plow forward, eventually turning things around. But it's only because there were good mental health resources and supportive peers that helped me along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many people operate on the assumption that when things are unpleasant and hard, something is WRONG.

People who succeed are often people who find themselves in a rough position but nevertheless do NOT look for an exit ramp.

A huge part of military training is to get you accustomed to being in really crappy situations in which failure/quitting is not an option.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a balance you need to strike between listening and being compassionate, and helping them find their grit. My DC was really unhappy after freshman year and was making plans to transfer spring sophomore year. I told DC I’d support it, but - I also called DC out on the fact that they hadn’t given their current school a fair shot, hadn’t put themselves out there, they didn’t really try to meet people outside of the roommate group, etc And running away to someplace else thinking it would be all better isn’t the answer if they are only going to put themselves in another environment where they repeat the same approach and behaviors. And then add in that spring semester sophomore year friend groups are even more solidified and breaking in is even harder. In the end, DC went back sophomore year, joined more clubs, met people in class, and it has been so much better since then. They are now a Junior and are so happy they stayed. There is no one answer to this OP, it’s really hard, but I will say, as a generation our kids don’t have the resilience that we had, and if it is about that, you may need to be your DC’s spine until they get stronger.

I'm the PP whose kid wants to leave and I said this to them too. I think it resonated a little bit, which is why we're asking them to explore multiple paths at the same time and meet with a therapist b/c they are definitely mildly depressed and maybe lacking social skills in a way I don't see as their parent.

PP here, it was this for my kid. I had to help them see that yes, returning for Sophomore year was hard. But going someplace else was going to be equally hard. So, pick your hard.

By staying, having courage, learning those social skills, finding success, has helped immensely in their confidence to handle tough situations. I swear college is about life skills these days, that's what I'm paying 90k for!

+10. This is about life lessons.

If your family is even slightly religious, then identify the campus clergy person for your faith. Parent should contact that campus clergy person quietly and ask them to reach out to DC in the fall. Most campus clergy are good at helping college students who are stressed (yes, there probably are some dud clergy also, but it is definitely worth doing this).

Also, keep in CLOSE touch with DC after they return to school, using SMS or Facetime or whatever, especially if they say they are friendless. Visit them at school several weekends to make sure they are coping. A hot meal and a supportive family can help a lot.

[Anonymous]

I'm European and started freshman year in a gruelingly competitive university system. You had to be in front of the gates at 6am to rush to the lecture hall if you wanted a spot close to the board, so you could see everything. There was such a stampede in the morning that one day someone broke his arm by falling and getting stepped on. I had a good university experience apart from those first two years on that particular campus.

Fortified by this, I talked to my kids about their expectations. The "best years of my life" often cited by middle-aged Americans to describe their high school and college years are, to me, something that I can't even fathom. Yes, I had fun sometimes. I cherish those memories. But mostly it was hard work. My kids know that this may also be their experience.

So no, I would not let a kid quit after a year, unless they had a guaranteed transfer elsewhere, and even then. They need to develop resilience. However, I would talk to them about their reasons for quitting and see if we can put in place mental health supports with the Disability Office or the mental health office (or whatever they have), and with a private doctor, and/or physical aids for a comfortable life.