Starting to feel suffocated by teen?

[Anonymous]

^^ Previous poster of 16-year-old. Teen told me she has friends at lunch on A days, but sits alone at lunch on B days because she has no friends at B day lunch. She sits alone, by herself, surfing her phone and eating. She also doesn't have nearly as many friends in her B classes.

She is far more chatty with me on the B days, I notice. I think she needs to converse more.

Maybe your kid is the same?

[Anonymous]

My mother has basically ignored me since I was born I remember reaching for her at about 3 and her pushing me away. I raised myself, bathe myself since I was 4-5. I'm not ok and never have recovered.

I think you shouldn't have any more children. You are hurting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has basically ignored me since I was born I remember reaching for her at about 3 and her pushing me away. I raised myself, bathe myself since I was 4-5. I'm not ok and never have recovered.

I think you shouldn't have any more children. You are hurting her.

I’m sorry that happened to you, but that is not the type of situation OP is describing whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Wow. OP here and I love how everyone has misconstrued what I wrote. Nowhere did I say I don’t spend time with her. In fact, I said all I do is spend time with her, doing only what she wants to do, always. And I’m exhausted. Some of you chose to ignore where I said she WILL NOT join in on what I’m currently doing (chores that have to be done, like cooking or laundry) and instead wants me to stop and give undivided attention, which I often do, because I don’t want her to ever think I put housework first.

I won’t be checking back because I don’t want to hear about how I’m a horrible mom. I think you all get off kicking people when they are down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP here and I love how everyone has misconstrued what I wrote. Nowhere did I say I don’t spend time with her. In fact, I said all I do is spend time with her, doing only what she wants to do, always. And I’m exhausted. Some of you chose to ignore where I said she WILL NOT join in on what I’m currently doing (chores that have to be done, like cooking or laundry) and instead wants me to stop and give undivided attention, which I often do, because I don’t want her to ever think I put housework first.

I won’t be checking back because I don’t want to hear about how I’m a horrible mom. I think you all get off kicking people when they are down.

If you're still here- this is a separate and important problem
Forget about "only what she wants to do" -- maybe you are not expressing yourself well, but repeating this phrase makes you sound crazy
No, you don't have to do all the household chores while simultaneously listening to her monologue- and no one said you should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a “you’re going to miss this” thing and the moment I hit ‘submit’ on this post she won’t want to hang out anymore, but, lately DD13 wants to spend a TON of time with me, and not just time adjacent to me doing what I’m doing, but me doing exactly what she wants to do, and without distraction. Example: She wants to spend time together but I’m making dinner, she won’t sit at the counter and talk with me. After dinner when in just want a moment, she wants attention, only she won’t just sit and read with me, or sit quietly on the deck with me, she wants me to do exactly what she’s wants to do, no distraction.

I don’t remember being like this with my mother, and we were close. I would talk with her while she gardened, walked with her, etc. With DD, I feel guilty if I say no because I don’t want her to think I choose other things before her, but also, I feel a little smothered. DH is currently working long hours on a job and isn’t home until after we are all in bed, so I think that’s part of the issue: I have no alone time right now. Any advice?

Is it anxiety? If so, have accessed and treated. If not, Enjoy it now, cause it will likely change in the not so faraway future. My 17 year old has bonded with friends and outside interests. Can barely mange to eat a meal together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a “you’re going to miss this” thing and the moment I hit ‘submit’ on this post she won’t want to hang out anymore, but, lately DD13 wants to spend a TON of time with me, and not just time adjacent to me doing what I’m doing, but me doing exactly what she wants to do, and without distraction. Example: She wants to spend time together but I’m making dinner, she won’t sit at the counter and talk with me. After dinner when in just want a moment, she wants attention, only she won’t just sit and read with me, or sit quietly on the deck with me, she wants me to do exactly what she’s wants to do, no distraction.

I don’t remember being like this with my mother, and we were close. I would talk with her while she gardened, walked with her, etc. With DD, I feel guilty if I say no because I don’t want her to think I choose other things before her, but also, I feel a little smothered. DH is currently working long hours on a job and isn’t home until after we are all in bed, so I think that’s part of the issue: I have no alone time right now. Any advice?

Is it anxiety? If so, have accessed and treated. If not, Enjoy it now, cause it will likely change in the not so faraway future. My 17 year old has bonded with friends and outside interests. Can barely mange to eat a meal together.

Assessed.

[Anonymous]

I've experienced some of what has been described...partner with long hours and travel and child demanding a lot of attention, especially. It was really important -- even with tweens -- to set boundaries and offer choices,"I'd love to discuss but I need to do dishes. You can do them with me or you can find something else to do for the next x # minutes." I also prioritize me time by grabbing lunch or coffee with a colleague during a workday or may grab a quick dinner after work. If my kid eats grilled cheese, eggs, or pasta for dinner -- all of which she can do herself -- she will survive. I take advantage of the fact my tween can be alone for a few hours at night and I can go someplace close to our home. Also leverage any opportunity when she sleeps in on weekends to do whatever you need to in order to take care of yourself. Finally, take solace in the fact that this phase will likely pass. If you need additional help, seek it out. It takes a village and don't be afraid to reach out to professionals. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I agree that the OP needs to be able to get through the day and she can’t always stop to sit and give undivided attention all of the time. It’s not realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you cannot cook with your teenage daughter? I would be THRILLED if my teen daughter (16) wanted to learn to cook with me, lol! Kids need to learn there is a "not right now" boundary for sure, but think of it this way, LW: in five years, your kid is gone. Off to college. That changes everything. She still wants to be around you and seeks you out for company. In a few years, that will change.

Your DD might also be lonely if school is a social desert for her. Teen girls can be really mean, OP. Is she sitting alone at lunch at school sometimes? What is her day like? Have you asked? When kids feel like they don't fit in at school very well, they might lean on a parent or sibling harder for connection, and conversation. You know, just to be seen, and maybe heard.

Food for thought.

I read the OP’s post to mean that she needs to cook but her daughter won’t help her while chatting or even just be in the room while she cooks. She wants her mom to stop and like, play a game with her.

[Anonymous]

Personally i think this behavior is a little weird for 13. Has she always been like this? If so I’d say there’s something going on diagnosis wise. If it’s recent, I think more anxiety and maybe some school social issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you cannot cook with your teenage daughter? I would be THRILLED if my teen daughter (16) wanted to learn to cook with me, lol! Kids need to learn there is a "not right now" boundary for sure, but think of it this way, LW: in five years, your kid is gone. Off to college. That changes everything. She still wants to be around you and seeks you out for company. In a few years, that will change.

Your DD might also be lonely if school is a social desert for her. Teen girls can be really mean, OP. Is she sitting alone at lunch at school sometimes? What is her day like? Have you asked? When kids feel like they don't fit in at school very well, they might lean on a parent or sibling harder for connection, and conversation. You know, just to be seen, and maybe heard.

Food for thought.

I read the OP’s post to mean that she needs to cook but her daughter won’t help her while chatting or even just be in the room while she cooks. She wants her mom to stop and like, play a game with her.

Yes I agree. Mom wants to cook dinner while chatting and girl is demanding 100% undivided attention.

[Anonymous]

What does your dd say and how do you respond? Do you end up giving her your undivided attention even after you say you can’t? Or do you just give it to her whenever she asks?

Or is she throwing a fit if you don’t? I can’t see how this plays out by how you wrote it.

Consistency in parenting is key. If you say no, then stick to no. If she “breaks” you then you’re just going to get her to pester you more the next time.

https://www.learningbeyondthespectrum.com/beyond-the-blog/2019/6/17/why-wont-my-kid-listen-to-me-the-effects-of-intermittent-reinforcement-on-the-behavior-of-children

So many parents who have strong willed children NEED to understand the science of intermittent reinforcement, because it’s a huge cause of the biggest battles

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Wow why did you have children?

Something is bothering her it is your job to figure this out.

I am not the OP and this is very rude. A mother is allowed to want to have some time/space for herself without being criticized.

DP. I’m allowed to want 100 billion dollars, but I’m not allowed to steal it. It’s hard to be a mother, but it’s her job.

This preachy attitude is exactly why so many mothers have depression. You are horrible.

I feel bad for your kids.

I feel bad for your kids that you'll need to baby your whole life and then abandoned when you die.

Nice try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is like this. Very controlling. Also ASD.

Same. I work on setting limits and positive framing.

Oh, I love that you saved some YouTube videos that you thought that I would like let’s pick out a couple that equal to about 20 minutes and I’ll leave my phone in the kitchen and sit and watch them with you, can you pick one that you think is the funniest?

Things like that.