Decision time: balancing concern for the kids with managing an overly controlling and critical partner

[Anonymous]

OP, if this is not a troll post, ask Jeff to move it to the SN forum. It is not unusual for 1 parent, esp with anxiety or other mental health issues to not be on the same page initially. By all means go forward with the appointment, but people there may have anecdotes that could be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was a rager and abusive and it’s so hard to explain to people how much you can convince yourself that your marriage is pretty normal when things are NOT normal and you that you are somehow in charge of your spouse’s feelings and inappropriate behavior.

That is where OP is right now.

So how did you break out? Since OP needs the same advice.

I think it was sort of a unique case. I absolutely hit my limit with him and had what I’m pretty sure was a nervous breakdown and told him I was done, absolutely done with him and want a divorce. I was sort of too much of a mess mentally to leave for awhile so he got himself into therapy and had what appears to be a personality transplant. It’s been over a year and he is like a different person. Our marriage is not completely healed and I don’t know if it will ever be but it is a much healthier and happier environment for our kids. Everyone is so much calmer now, there’s no yelling or disrespect and we never really had major disagreements to begin with. I honestly don’t know what to make of it and how to explain it. Part of me is still angry that if it were THAT easy for him to behave, why did he wait 15 years to do so?

[Anonymous]

The assessment is the least of your problems. Hire a divorce attorney immediately.

-someone who never suggests divorce

[Anonymous]

You son may very well not be speaking because his mom is on eggshells everyday living with an unstable dangerous partner. Make a plan to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make no mistake that you are complicit if you stay with him and allow your children to grow up in this environment. You aren't protecting them. You are normalizing it.

Just look in the mirror and see what it did to you. You said that your father did the same.

My husband grew up with an abusive father and has never forgiven his mother for it. Even to this day she defends him.

[Anonymous]

I left an abusive partner and o can’t overemphasize how much it affects and changes you to have been subjected to such a person. I struggle every day with not being abusive myself and sometimes find myself doing to my kids what my former abusive spouse did to me, it’s terrible. I was never like this at all before him, had no experience with violence or rages or threats until my ex.

[Anonymous]

Although you may be ok with handling your husband's behavior, it is not ok for your child to see you tolerating it.

[Anonymous]

Keep the appointment. What is the worst your husband can do? Leave you over it? Good riddance.

Longer term: think hard about the example you are setting for your kids. You noted yourself that you married a man much like your father. If this is what your kids see day in and day out, what will they think is normal? Do you want your kids to grow up and follow in your footsteps and your mother's footsteps? No, of course not. You want better for them. So, give them a better model to emulate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is not a troll post, ask Jeff to move it to the SN forum. It is not unusual for 1 parent, esp with anxiety or other mental health issues to not be on the same page initially. By all means go forward with the appointment, but people there may have anecdotes that could be helpful.

I'm a frequent poster in the Kids with SN forum and I grew up with an incredibly abusive father who also had a number of mental health problems.

What OP describes is not the run of the mill denial/resistance/anxiety in a parent that is typical of the Kids with SN forum. OP and her kids are in an abusive, unsafe environment. The advice she would get there would mirror what she's gotten here. She just happens to have a kid with potential SN. Her priority should be in extracting herself and her kids safely.

[Anonymous]

Divorce

[Anonymous]

Please go to the appointment with your son. You owe it to him and to you as a mom to find out what is happening and what can be done. The earlier the better. This is priority. Then find a therapist for yourself to help you understand the emotionally abusive marriage you are in and how to move on from here. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

I think living with an abusive father is the cause of your son’s issues. It is a trauma response. Yes, obviously you keep the appointment, and then extricate yourself from this marriage ASAP. You get that staying is doing active harm to your children? Why would you let them be witness to his abuse day in and day out?? You have to do what is right for your kids and get them away from this monster.

[Anonymous]

So what did you decide, OP? How was the assessment?

[Anonymous]

Doing the assessment right now isn’t critical (I have a SN child) so if waiting til 18 months saves grief, I’d do that. But I echo what everyone else is saying. He sounds horrible (this behavior us not normal for a man on the spectrum either!) and the situation is untenable. Why are you staying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doing the assessment right now isn’t critical (I have a SN child) so if waiting til 18 months saves grief, I’d do that. But I echo what everyone else is saying. He sounds horrible (this behavior us not normal for a man on the spectrum either!) and the situation is untenable. Why are you staying?

It also cannot be explained as him coming from a patriarchal society, either. Abuse is abuse.