Could you be married to someone who had a rock solid personality but not expressive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just stunned at the heteronormative responses here.

Not unrelated. My middle school son would say things such as this to his male friends "Are you ok?" when they seemed down. He got told this made him seem gay.

Training them early folks!! We should all be proud.

Well, don't leave us hanging. Is he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just stunned at the heteronormative responses here.

Not unrelated. My middle school son would say things such as this to his male friends "Are you ok?" when they seemed down. He got told this made him seem gay.

Training them early folks!! We should all be proud.

Well, don't leave us hanging. Is he?

lol. No. He is just...nice and generally very empathetic and always has been. My daughter on the other hand...

[Anonymous]

Totally. This is my DH to a T. He’s the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are literally never happy. Wow

There’s LITERALLY several replies saying of course they would be happy with this and indeed, this is ideal.

But you turn around and extrapolate that every single woman is never happy. There’s a reason why you’re single and that reason is you.

Most women find issues with everything.

-Woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man, I'm not sure what you mean by a "deep verbal emotional connection." What are you looking for him to do or say?

I'm a woman and this is my reaction too. What are people saying to each other??

Woman here and my sister is always looking for a “deep spiritual connection.” I think she likes to talk about her and her partner’s feelings a lot. She’s rarely satisfied in a relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to have conversations about our relationship, our wants and needs, and our future with my DH. I'm talking once every few months have a check-in and maybe once a year talk about our mental or emotional states. He doesn't seem capable or interested and it's a huge problem for me. Huge.

I bet though that that’s a symptom of a larger issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man, I'm not sure what you mean by a "deep verbal emotional connection." What are you looking for him to do or say?

I'm a woman and this is my reaction too. What are people saying to each other??

Woman here and my sister is always looking for a “deep spiritual connection.” I think she likes to talk about her and her partner’s feelings a lot. She’s rarely satisfied in a relationship

Again, what does this mean? If he mainly does acts of service, like OP says, he does have a deep spiritual connection, because you can't do acts of service without that. If OP just wants empty words, that's a dime a dozen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 100% responsible, reliable, loyal, honest, hard-working, and loving. He is not expressive or that articulate emotionally. He says he loves me daily, and shows it through acts of service, and is always attracted to me. However he just doesn’t have that big, wide or deep of an emotional vocabulary. Considers himself a simple man (is a college educated professional). Prefers to solve problems and sort through any difficult/negative emotions in his own or with a therapist (once weekly or less, no major mental health issues). Could you live without a deep verbal emotional connection even though you know through action that the love is there?

Wow, lucky you!!

[Anonymous]

I've done it for 14 years, so: yes.

It can be hard, especially as someone who is very emotionally available and likes to talk through feelings. It helps to have other outlets for that (friends or, ideally, a therapist when you need one).

But also over the course of our relationship, he has become more capable of expressing emotion. He has also learned that discussing feelings can be beneficial because even people with "rock solid personalities" will encounter challenges in life that require more than just problem solving and bucking up. My DH has lost a parent unexpectedly and also gone through a very challenging period of work, both of which led him to learn to talk a bit more about his feelings and realize that sometimes the only real solution is to talk something through and get your feelings out -- there is no action hat will fix the grief he feels over losing his parent, but he does feel better if he talks about it some, even if that is uncomfortable.

But also be cautious and go in with open eyes. I this is not at all what you envision for yourself in a relationship, maybe look elsewhere. I think I was well suited to this even though I am a very emotionally expressive and available person because I grew up in an emotionally volatile home with highly reactive people, and it was good for me to be with someone who is NOT reactive to create a very steady, enduring connection. Both before and since meeting my husband, I've worked to stay emotionally expressive while no longer being emotionally reactive, and his steadiness is helpful in that regard (and also sometimes frustrating! but mostly helpful). But not everyone will have those same circumstances so I'm not going to say "yes, go for it, it's great!" It has worked out well for me but there are challenges and I think some women would not be able to deal with those challenges because they have different needs or experiences than I do.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I could. It seems like several people in the thread have said the same. But that doesen't matter. Can YOU be married to someone like that? It seems like the answer is no. And that's ok. My advice is don't do it if you know you won't be happy. You'll be miserable and make your husband miserable, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just stunned at the heteronormative responses here.

I disagree. I am a woman and I am struggling to understand what OP wants or needs. She seems to need a very specific type of communication that I imagine would not come naturally to many men or women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just stunned at the heteronormative responses here.

I disagree. I am a woman and I am struggling to understand what OP wants or needs. She seems to need a very specific type of communication that I imagine would not come naturally to many men or women.

Not what I meant. I think by now it's obvious that OP is a gay man.

[Anonymous]

I think OP wants what she hears about in Taylor Swift songs

[Anonymous]

Trying to. Unfortunately he’s also not a tactile person, or affectionate - and I am. That makes it difficult for me to feel loved. I know he does. I don’t always feel it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my DH is this way -- very stoic and calm, low-drama, mentally stable, action/problem solving oriented and expresses his love in many ways, just not always verbosely or verbally. It did take some getting used to when we first started dating in our early 20s because I am a fairly verbal person, but wow did I get lucky.