Help me love my ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Is he in pain or just tired and run down? When he complains, do you ask him what he wants you to do? For example, make an appointment with the doctor. Does he still go to work? Does he complain there too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Okay here is another perspective - many women don’t get the husband who asks about their day or how they slept even if husband is perfectly healthy. Men are (in general, not all men) less about talking about stuff like that and less considerate of their partners etc.

Having a chronic debilitating condition that cannot be cured and limits one’s life in substantial ways is incredibly depressing and most people who deal with that kind of thing tend to become a little obsessive about their condition. As a professional caregiver I’ve seen that in men and women equally over my years of taking care of people in such circumstances. Some rise above and maintain very positive mental health but that is not the norm.

After years of working with disabled people I’ve come to a point in my life where I realize that truly all the stuff in the world means nothing in the absence of health and I fully understand why so many people struggling with illness also struggle with mental health.

I am not the OP. Thank you to the poster who wrote this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to come home and he ask how my day was or I wake up and he asks how I slept.

Tell him this. People with chronic illness aren’t the only people on the struggle bus.

[Anonymous]

Caregiver support group for you. Look at whatever organization that deals with his condition offers, ie. MS groups.
He needs a LCSW/counselor to talk to that will help him deal with chronic illness and uncertainties.

[Anonymous]

You have to grieve what you have lost, ideally to some extent together.

This errand-running thing is avoidance.

Your life has changed, maybe permanently. So has his. It’s a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

While that is a very difficult place to dwell, it’s quite different. Apples to snow peas.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband has MS and I completely understand. Get yourself into therapy and as part of that, make sure that you take care of yourself very well every day.

Encourage your husband to get into therapy as well, and to consider an antidepressant if he is diagnosed with depression (highly likely). I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

How about plan a short little day excursion to have a lunch picnic in the sun, at the park by a lake, show him how to live again how it feels for the sun to shine on him maybe that would spark something.

Be grateful that you are not the sick one OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

TOTALLY NOT THE SAME AS CHRONIC ILLNESS but thanks for playing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is ill. He isn’t going to die… but he is going through health stuff. He has for a while and will continue for a while. He has changed. I am aware that it is due to his illness. He is depressed. He lacks drive. He lacks motivation. He sits all the time. He talks about his health 24/7. We don’t go out and date anymore. We don’t have sex except maybe once a month. It has been two months this far. I feel bad for saying this but I am not finding him attractive like I used to. Physically and mentally. I don’t know what to do or say. I know he can not change this but I also can’t change my feelings either. Being around him is mentally draining. I am finding excuses to run errands so I don’t feel like I am getting sucked down with him. Please someone help me even if it is to say suck it up, you are being a B. I don’t seek companion or sex with others in case that gets asked. I just want my husband back. I want communication. I want affection. I want fun times.

We don't always get what we want.

In sickness and in health and all that. If you don't like it, think how he feels...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is ill. He isn’t going to die… but he is going through health stuff. He has for a while and will continue for a while. He has changed. I am aware that it is due to his illness. He is depressed. He lacks drive. He lacks motivation. He sits all the time. He talks about his health 24/7. We don’t go out and date anymore. We don’t have sex except maybe once a month. It has been two months this far. I feel bad for saying this but I am not finding him attractive like I used to. Physically and mentally. I don’t know what to do or say. I know he can not change this but I also can’t change my feelings either. Being around him is mentally draining. I am finding excuses to run errands so I don’t feel like I am getting sucked down with him. Please someone help me even if it is to say suck it up, you are being a B. I don’t seek companion or sex with others in case that gets asked. I just want my husband back. I want communication. I want affection. I want fun times.

We don't always get what we want.

In sickness and in health and all that. If you don't like it, think how he feels...

Wait ten or so years and the OP may well acquire problems of her own. I've sat at dinners with friends in our 50s where I'm the only one not being treated for cancer. Yet.

[Anonymous]

People are being unfair to OP. Caregiving can be incredibly difficult. I’d start with individual therapy and a support group, OP (they will get it, unlike the posters here).

[Anonymous]

I am in your shoes, OP.
I travel solo, go out solo for dinner, movies, opera, theater.
I have stopped feeling guilty. His disease has ruined his life. I refuse to let it ruin mine.
I help him whenever he asks me to. He used to be incredibly depressed, understandably. He is now taking antidepressants and things have improved. Still not ideal. Still no sex but some cuddles. Some days are better than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there anything you can do to help him? I'm not talking about helping him with practical things like driving him to appointments and monitoring meds. I wonder if you can nurture him in a way which might evoke tender feelings? Can you shift your expectations of him for this time of illness? Presumably he will make a full recovery and won't feel like being a downer anymore.

OP here. He won’t make a full recovery. He won’t be 100 percent but not a death sentence either. I try to nurture him. I try to cuddle when he is laying down. My expectations are already limited. I want to come home and he ask how my day was or I wake up and he asks how I slept.

Okay here is another perspective - many women don’t get the husband who asks about their day or how they slept even if husband is perfectly healthy. Men are (in general, not all men) less about talking about stuff like that and less considerate of their partners etc.

Having a chronic debilitating condition that cannot be cured and limits one’s life in substantial ways is incredibly depressing and most people who deal with that kind of thing tend to become a little obsessive about their condition. As a professional caregiver I’ve seen that in men and women equally over my years of taking care of people in such circumstances. Some rise above and maintain very positive mental health but that is not the norm.

After years of working with disabled people I’ve come to a point in my life where I realize that truly all the stuff in the world means nothing in the absence of health and I fully understand why so many people struggling with illness also struggle with mental health.

Glad you posted that. I have a son who has had complex medical conditions the last couple of years and some of this is going to be life long. We're always hearing about these people who cope with chronic illness and disability amazingly, or maybe movies where they're wallowing in their anger and depression until some fellow sufferer confronts them in the hospital ward and they have a come to jesus moment. (There's support groups for his illness, but they are all mostly ladies of retirement age).

[Anonymous]

Therapy for him, therapy for you, and couples therapy