If someone has baggage (divorced or kids) from another relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

You need to not date anyone with children with this attitude. Dump the guy and move on.

OP is not getting that she is the AH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

You need to not date anyone with children with this attitude. Dump the guy and move on.

OP is not getting that she is the AH.

Answer me directly. The emotional baggage that comes with kids which means a former spouse is baggage for someone with no kids. But people in a thread become a ball of agreeing with one after another whereas reddit agrees kids and divorce are baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you are single and child free do you ask questions about their past? Current guy I'm dating doesn't like the questions I've been asking. For example, why the divorce and what he learned from it, etc.

OP, I'm sure you also have 'baggage', no? Can current guy ask you about your past relationships and why they failed?

Also "what have you learend"??? Are you his parent? Dear god.

Some of you have some serious problems. What's wrong with "baggage"??? We ALL have baggage from childhood, previous relationships, and yes, previous marriage, as well as other things. I personally wouldn't use the word but I don't see what is so offensive about it.

As for whether OP should ask about these things, OF COURSE she should. Should she grill him on the first few dates? No. It's not an interrogation. But this stuff would need to be broached and brought out at some point and, frankly, it's fair game for people who are feeling out whether they want a relationship or not. And I'd feel the same about any other "baggage" outside of divorce and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

You need to not date anyone with children with this attitude. Dump the guy and move on.

OP is not getting that she is the AH.

Answer me directly. The emotional baggage that comes with kids which means a former spouse is baggage for someone with no kids. But people in a thread become a ball of agreeing with one after another whereas reddit agrees kids and divorce are baggage.

Answer you directly? Is there a question? No.

Maybe the reason everyone is piling on is because you seem condescending as hell. This condescension is no doubt coming through when you try to ask questions of the guy. Of course he's not answering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

You need to not date anyone with children with this attitude. Dump the guy and move on.

OP is not getting that she is the AH.

Answer me directly. The emotional baggage that comes with kids which means a former spouse is baggage for someone with no kids. But people in a thread become a ball of agreeing with one after another whereas reddit agrees kids and divorce are baggage.

Answer you directly? Is there a question? No.

Maybe the reason everyone is piling on is because you seem condescending as hell. This condescension is no doubt coming through when you try to ask questions of the guy. Of course he's not answering.

Your immature response was to refer to me in the third person while I am the OP and present.

It's not condescending it is getting to know someone. And we all have baggage fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

You need to not date anyone with children with this attitude. Dump the guy and move on.

OP is not getting that she is the AH.

Answer me directly. The emotional baggage that comes with kids which means a former spouse is baggage for someone with no kids. But people in a thread become a ball of agreeing with one after another whereas reddit agrees kids and divorce are baggage.

Answer you directly? Is there a question? No.

Maybe the reason everyone is piling on is because you seem condescending as hell. This condescension is no doubt coming through when you try to ask questions of the guy. Of course he's not answering.

Your immature response was to refer to me in the third person while I am the OP and present.

It's not condescending it is getting to know someone. And we all have baggage fyi.

Getting to know someone is not condescending. Your manner of speaking is. Are you not understanding that this is what people in this thread are telling you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

You need to not date anyone with children with this attitude. Dump the guy and move on.

OP is not getting that she is the AH.

Answer me directly. The emotional baggage that comes with kids which means a former spouse is baggage for someone with no kids. But people in a thread become a ball of agreeing with one after another whereas reddit agrees kids and divorce are baggage.

Answer you directly? Is there a question? No.

Maybe the reason everyone is piling on is because you seem condescending as hell. This condescension is no doubt coming through when you try to ask questions of the guy. Of course he's not answering.

Your immature response was to refer to me in the third person while I am the OP and present.

It's not condescending it is getting to know someone. And we all have baggage fyi.

Getting to know someone is not condescending. Your manner of speaking is. Are you not understanding that this is what people in this thread are telling you?

NP- Op is just trying to say that the baggage is from the constant contact and coparenting needed with the EX. She is NOT saying the kids are baggage.
In fact, OP I would bet you would be fine with dating a widower with kids because you don’t seem to be saying the kids are the issue for her.

Op- I think you need to trust the new guy with the ex for co-parenting. I wouldn’t date divorced men when I was young and single because I didn’t want to be a step mom. I think that is a good think to know about yourself. If this guy is for you, he will at some point in the near future be willing to tell you about the divorce and you will get more comfortable with his parenting relationship with his ex. If not, you should stop dating him and focus on people with adult kids (no coparenting necessary) or never had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And you are single and child free do you ask questions about their past? Current guy I'm dating doesn't like the questions I've been asking. For example, why the divorce and what he learned from it, etc.

Actually I think those are pretty good questions, OP. It shows you are really interested in him.

Maybe he doesn't view you as a serious relationship prospect, so feels you are being too intrusive.

How long have you been dating him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

Being direct is fine actually. However, you need to be prepared for some degree of reciprocity. Even if not previously married/no kids, he might want to know a lot about your prior relationships, why they didn't work out, what you learned from them, etc.

These are all kind of intimate questions and it may just be a bit early on. It depends a lot on how long you have been dating and just how serious things have gotten.

The guy you are currently dating now may just view you as a convenient sex partner at this point and doesn't want to delve into serious relationship type issues yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

Obviously you should know and understand the person you are dating. You do not seem to understand that you are choosing to go about it a way that pokes someone in their soft underbelly, most vulnerable way when you have not built the relationship capital to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it might be how your asking op?

I generally agree with you that it's good to have these conversations.

But the tone of your post is off putting and judgemental if that's how rs coming across in real life I can see how he might be reluctant to answer.


There's also factors such as how long you have been dating and if you're exclusive. Nin my view you're not entitled to deeply personal information in the first month or two of dating.

You know the basics he was divorced and has kids.


What else have you learned?

The attitude you project in your post also makes it seem as you think you are perfect and a divorce is a huge character flaw?. What are you offering about yourself?. What questions are you answering?

After a certain age (35ish) everyone has baggage. You just have to find someone whose baggage you’re willing to take on and even enjoy. Some women with kids are a plus for an older man who never had his own and wants a family.

[Anonymous]

I’m single and child free and I’m dating a guy with two kids. Over time I’ve learned a lot about his past and his marriage but at a pace he’s comfortable with. At the same time he hasn’t grilled me about why I’m 35 and never married but over time he is learning about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m single and child free and I’m dating a guy with two kids. Over time I’ve learned a lot about his past and his marriage but at a pace he’s comfortable with. At the same time he hasn’t grilled me about why I’m 35 and never married but over time he is learning about me.

How long have you been together?