sharing care responsibilities with a sibling
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Anonymous
If she needs that much help at 68, maybe it's time she moved to a full-service place. That may be what your brother is trying to tell you, if you're willing to hear it. Cater to her in that home for the next 30 years cannot be your plan. He may engage more if he's helping her get to a place that works for the three of you, rather than you pressuring him to help enable her to stay in a home she can't manage. |
Anonymous
Unfortunately, OP, you are not hearing what people are saying. Barring extraordinary circumstances, 68 is way too young to start this. Your brother is probably responding to that. I would definitely push back if I was your brother, and I do and have done a ton of caregiving. So this isn't just me being selfish. I believe you are allowing your mother to do this because she is lonely. If you want to take on the responsibility great. But it's too soon (given that you said she is in pretty good health) for someone to be required to do anything. You can't expect your brother to start doing what YOU want him to do when it really shouldn't be necessary. THAT is what people are telling you. There is no answer to How can I make my brother do more, when it's too early. |
Anonymous
This. Your brother probably thinks, reasonably enough, that 68 is not that old and your mother is capable of hiring a tax preparer. That is why he isn't stepping up. |
Anonymous
| People of all ages will frequently get others to do as much for them as they can by pushing/forcing/cajoling/guilting when really they are capable of doing it themselves. |
Anonymous
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OP, you totally can handle a financial Eldercare service. Do taxes, pay bills, deal with insurance, monitor accounts for odd spending, financial planning, providing you regular updates, I think it can be well worth it.
Your brother won't do more because he doesn't think more is needed. That's the bottom line here. |
Anonymous
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Thanks all. This is OP. I will try one more time, and I promise to stop asking if I am still not making sense to people.
I am not trying to look for ways to outsource (I know how and am doing that to the extent it makes sense). I am not looking for advice on whether or not mom should be doing some of the tasks herself. I want to have a productive conversation with my brother on (1) aligning on the list of things with which mom needs help (and it is ok if my brother thinks she does not need help with many (or any) tasks - that will make his opinion clear to me); and (2) if we agree that there are things mom needs and objectively cannot do herself, how to split them up. We both help financially, equally overall. I do not want my brother to think that helping financially is enough. I do not want to be the sole person bearing other care, now or in the future. And I am asking if there is advice on how to have a productive conversation. Thank you so much. |
Anonymous
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Hey OP, you have made your question clear, but I still think people are going to tell you that you are asking the wrong question. I am 68 myself (soon to be 69). I am aware of what I can and cannot do. I can do almost everything on your list. If your mom cannot, then it seems to me your first discussion should be with HER, NOT with your brother!! I would be so offended if my grown children started taking over managing my life without consulting me.
If your mother is truly incapable of doing or finding someone else to do the administrative and physical tasks on your list, then does that mean she is already declining in physical or mental competence? If so, maybe you should be talking to her about designating a financial and a medical POA while she is still able to make such decisions. |
Anonymous
| PP again (68 going on 69). Not that it matters, but I clean my own gutters and mow my own grass, do my own taxes with a spreadsheet I created and took care of my very elderly mother's taxes and trust taxes and my adult child's taxes etc etc. I found my own financial advisor, the one thing I thought I could use some outside help with. My house is a bit disorderly, but that is my own problem, and I would not want a family member interfering. Obviously your mother is a different person, who for whatever reason is less competent (at least in your perception), but her right to manage or mismanage her own life should be respected, I would hope, unless she is a danger to herself or others. |
Anonymous
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In every family I know that has gone through this, there is generally one child, (usually the oldest female) who assumes the heavier load with taking care of their parents. I believe you are afraid that this task is going to fall on you. You are probably right. You are welcome try to prevent it from happening, but there isn’t much you can do. Your brother has plenty on his plate already.
In my case, I was the only surviving child, and I did everything by myself for my mom and bought my way out of what I couldn't manage. It is what it is. |
Anonymous
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I agree with everyone else that it sounds nuts you are doing all this for a 68 year old unless there is something going on like early dementia.
But setting that aside, you briefly say you have mentioned this and your brother is avoiding the conversation. There are no magic words to make your brother do anything — including bothering to have this conversation. Without more details, my assumption is that he doesn’t want to have this discussion. We have no idea if he doesn’t want to have this discussion NOW (because he thinks it is unnecessary) or he doesn’t want to have it EVER (which could be because he is a jerk or for lots of other reasons). All you can do is set your own boundaries by not doing certain things and understanding this means those things may simply never get done. My husband is an oldest son with a more flexible job while I have a super demanding job. My husband is late 50s with a teen with profound special needs and a tween. The reality is that we only have so much time for him to help his parents. My husband typically does one off financial stuff, like taxes or a meeting with a bank. The flexibility my husband has is generally totally focused on making sure our own two kids are getting what they need. The youngest brother who lives next door does way, way more for the parents. If his brother had said “you need to do more”, we might have done a tiny bit more — but it would not have been much. We would have helped with more outsourcing, but we have kids that see multiple specialist doctors — we aren’t adding the 5 specialist appointments each parent has to our to do list. There literally isn’t enough time. I have no idea if your brother will ever do more or not. But there are all kinds of reasons people make the decisions they make. Some reasons are selfish, some reasons are reasonable. |
Anonymous
Again, you are not hearing what people are saying. Your brother does not want to have a Big Talk. He does not want to do tasks. He does not want to deal with his mother's problems, nor does he want to deal with his sister's demands for time and attention and "fairness" about what he perceives to be an unnecessary task list. You cannot make him have a Big Talk with you, nor can you make him be "fair" or do any particular task. And you need to approach him with those realities in mind. |
Anonymous
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Your brother probably doesn't want to be a true partner in responsibility here. If he did, he would be doing it already. I get that you don't want to be the sole holder of ultimate responsibility, but it seems like that's how it's gonna be.
I would ask him to do specific things as they arise. If he pushes back that they should be outsourced, invite him to do the work to find a service provider. Basically just keep handing him work. There are no magic words you can say that will make him say "Yes, lets make a master spreadsheet of all tasks and I will agree to do many of them in perpetuity". He's not gonna do that and pushing him will only make him avoid you. People are telling you to outsource more because that's what you'll do in the end, once you've wrapped your head around the reality that brother fairness isn't gonna happen. |
Anonymous
| Your 68 year old mother should be doing all of this. My mom is in her mid 70s and would be appalled if I tried to take over her life like this. |
Anonymous
I'm not the OP, but some 68 year olds really can't. My mom had early dementia and would not have been able to do these things starting around age 65, but my Dad was able to (they were still married until she died.) OP, does your mom have early dementia or other specific health issues? |
Anonymous
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From OP's OP: "Mom is 68 and generally healthy, but there are some time-consuming admin tasks, there is her need for companionship,"
As OP has demonstrated in her continual posting that she doesn't care that people say it's too soon to start, she clearly doesn't care what her brother thinks. She just wants her way and doesn't see that. I would guess she has already gotten the train started and there is no way to turn it back around. So, she wants to rope her brother into helping her with what she started. The only way brother will/might help is if OP can sit down with him and explain why a 68 year old woman needs to be cared for in such a way. Clearly brother does help financially, so he is willing where there is a shown need. |