DD is giving me the silent treatment

[Anonymous]

Did the OP ever come back? Maybe she made s mad dash to Sephora?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the OP ever come back? Maybe she made s mad dash to Sephora?

Haha, I’m back. Thanks for all the answers. DD still isn’t speaking but I’m going to have a chat with her once she’s ready to talk. She already has some symptoms of an eating disorder which worries me, but I don’t want to address it directly for fear of that triggering extreme dieting.

[Anonymous]

I think parents need to stop allowing kids to refuse to go to school. Take the day off work, stand next to her saying “go to school” until she goes. Walk her in by the ear. Do something. You can’t just be like oh well and go off to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the OP ever come back? Maybe she made s mad dash to Sephora?

Haha, I’m back. Thanks for all the answers. DD still isn’t speaking but I’m going to have a chat with her once she’s ready to talk. She already has some symptoms of an eating disorder which worries me, but I don’t want to address it directly for fear of that triggering extreme dieting.

I think *you* should consult a professional. Do what you can to help her avoid an eating disorder. I have not heard that avoiding the issue directly is a good tactic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents need to stop allowing kids to refuse to go to school. Take the day off work, stand next to her saying “go to school” until she goes. Walk her in by the ear. Do something. You can’t just be like oh well and go off to work.

Come on. That’s Guinness record level of stubbornness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents need to stop allowing kids to refuse to go to school. Take the day off work, stand next to her saying “go to school” until she goes. Walk her in by the ear. Do something. You can’t just be like oh well and go off to work.

Meh, I don't think one mental health day is the end of the world, as long as it doesn't become a habit. It's Friday. She'll be over it by Monday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the note pp. I will add that once this blows over and things are calm you should talk to her about silent treatments and how they are manipulative and can be seen as abusive. Tell her that as she grows she need to practice being able to talk through things instead of going silent. She can ask for space to process, but using silence as a tool is not kind and if she uses it in her future friendships/relationships, things can go really badly. Again…not now. But when she’s in a better place.

I'm 12:54 and approve the bolded message.

Silent treatments are better than screaming matches!

I disagree. Neither is good but silent treatments are really bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry off-topic... but I have never heard silent treatment referred to as abuse.... thank you so much to the posters saying it. This is a lightbulb moment for me. My mother would (and still does!) give me silent treatment and it makes me feel shaky and terrified....and she acts like she's doing nothing wrong. It absolutely is horrible and abusive. I just appreciate you guys for saying this. I feel stronger and more empowered and less gaslit now. Thank you!!! Sorry didn't mean to derail.

My DH went through the same thing, realizing his mom giving him the silent treatment was and is abusive and it’s really helped him to unravel some of his issues. I’m glad you are recognizing it for what it is; manipulative and abusive. Such a cruel thing to do to a child, especially

Yes! My mom has done this to me my entire life. Days, weeks, months of not talking and then she would talk to me or call me out of the blue and pretend everything was normal. I took this abuse for 29 years and then I stopped. What did it for me was my then boyfriend now husband being appalled that my mom stopped talking to me for four months because I didn’t tell her before I RSVP’d “no” to my cousins wedding (we are not close and it was on a small island in Canada with complicated logistics and I had just started a new job). I didn’t think I needed to clear my RSVP with my mom but she was apoplectic. Why? My sister also didn’t want to go and my mom thought that I would go and be her emotional punching bag for the weekend because she hates her siblings. So of course it made sense that she stopped talking to me for four months.

We have a very strained relationship now. She is barely in my life of my kids lives. It is sad but it is not something she wants to self reflect on and I can’t play her games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry off-topic... but I have never heard silent treatment referred to as abuse.... thank you so much to the posters saying it. This is a lightbulb moment for me. My mother would (and still does!) give me silent treatment and it makes me feel shaky and terrified....and she acts like she's doing nothing wrong. It absolutely is horrible and abusive. I just appreciate you guys for saying this. I feel stronger and more empowered and less gaslit now. Thank you!!! Sorry didn't mean to derail.

My DH went through the same thing, realizing his mom giving him the silent treatment was and is abusive and it’s really helped him to unravel some of his issues. I’m glad you are recognizing it for what it is; manipulative and abusive. Such a cruel thing to do to a child, especially

Yes! My mom has done this to me my entire life. Days, weeks, months of not talking and then she would talk to me or call me out of the blue and pretend everything was normal. I took this abuse for 29 years and then I stopped. What did it for me was my then boyfriend now husband being appalled that my mom stopped talking to me for four months because I didn’t tell her before I RSVP’d “no” to my cousins wedding (we are not close and it was on a small island in Canada with complicated logistics and I had just started a new job). I didn’t think I needed to clear my RSVP with my mom but she was apoplectic. Why? My sister also didn’t want to go and my mom thought that I would go and be her emotional punching bag for the weekend because she hates her siblings. So of course it made sense that she stopped talking to me for four months.

We have a very strained relationship now. She is barely in my life of my kids lives. It is sad but it is not something she wants to self reflect on and I can’t play her games.

4 months is truly insane. She is and probably never was mentally stable. It’s good you keep your boundaries and don’t expose your kids to her issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the OP ever come back? Maybe she made s mad dash to Sephora?

Haha, I’m back. Thanks for all the answers. DD still isn’t speaking but I’m going to have a chat with her once she’s ready to talk. She already has some symptoms of an eating disorder which worries me, but I don’t want to address it directly for fear of that triggering extreme dieting.

If she has symptoms, this is exactly the right time to address it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I must be a way worse mom than you, OP, because I’ve read your post twice and can’t see what you said that is so terribly wrong.

Certainly it is NOT your job to fix what SHE keeps insisting is wrong with her. In fact—you stated that you are the one who tells her she is NOT ugly and doesn’t need to change.
That she feels she is entitled to have you supply her with expensive products to fix an issue she has with herself does not mean you are obligated to provide it.
She then lashed out and blamed you for “being ugly”—but YOU never said she was!
You just said it’s not your role to “fix” her perceived imperfections. And that if she sees an imperfection she wants to change—then it’s on her to figure out how to change it.
You didn’t call her fat.
You called out that SHE calls HERSELF fat.
You didn’t call her ugly. You pointed out that SHE calls HERSELF ugly.
You are not required to participate in her self-shaming or to fund her quest to change her self-perceived flaws.

I don’t get why what you said is somehow objectionable??

+1
What OP said was not at all objectionable. It was supportive and loving and honest. I am not blaming OP but perhaps the fact that OP actually thinks what she said to her daughter, and is now groveling to her daughter for forgiveness, is evidence of how wrongly skewed their relationship is right now. OP, your daughter has control of your relationship with her and is seizing on what you said and using it as a weapon against you. And you are letting her. YOU SAID NOTHING WRONG to her. She is manipulating you and you must disengage from her ability to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I must be a way worse mom than you, OP, because I’ve read your post twice and can’t see what you said that is so terribly wrong.

Certainly it is NOT your job to fix what SHE keeps insisting is wrong with her. In fact—you stated that you are the one who tells her she is NOT ugly and doesn’t need to change.
That she feels she is entitled to have you supply her with expensive products to fix an issue she has with herself does not mean you are obligated to provide it.
She then lashed out and blamed you for “being ugly”—but YOU never said she was!
You just said it’s not your role to “fix” her perceived imperfections. And that if she sees an imperfection she wants to change—then it’s on her to figure out how to change it.
You didn’t call her fat.
You called out that SHE calls HERSELF fat.
You didn’t call her ugly. You pointed out that SHE calls HERSELF ugly.
You are not required to participate in her self-shaming or to fund her quest to change her self-perceived flaws.

I don’t get why what you said is somehow objectionable??

+1
What OP said was not at all objectionable. It was supportive and loving and honest. I am not blaming OP but perhaps the fact that OP actually thinks what she said to her daughter, and is now groveling to her daughter for forgiveness, is evidence of how wrongly skewed their relationship is right now. OP, your daughter has control of your relationship with her and is seizing on what you said and using it as a weapon against you. And you are letting her. YOU SAID NOTHING WRONG to her. She is manipulating you and you must disengage from her ability to do so.

She's a teenage girl and for some women (not only teens) there is nothing more triggering than discussion of looks and weights. I absolutely would not assume she's manipulating. This isn't about having a logical debate. In a logical debate, OP would win. This is a mental health crisis for the kid. Eating disorder is the most deadly form of mental illness.

[Anonymous]

I have found it helpful to text my teens when they are really emotional and they are upset with me but in reality they are just upset and feeling down. I am a safe place for them to express anger/frustration/doubt etc.

I text stuff like:
I love you so much and i am so proud of you because you are ——-. Maybe you can’t always see it or you doubt it but you are ——. I am so sorry what I said upset you, I never want to see you hurting. I shouldn’t have said —— but I was feeling so ——- when you get down on yourself.

Texting sometimes works better there is a little distance and you don’t get cut off mid sentence.

[Anonymous]

Get her off social media. She will rage now but thank you in ten years. We should ban it for teens like smoking.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think what you said to her is terrible, so don't beat yourself up. You've apologized, leave it at that. I would let her know that silent treatment is not okay (it is abusive).