would you punish for this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is some next level stuff from your 9yo.

Seriously apologies are in order, but also, that feels like sociopath behavior from your kid

You don’t know much about developmentally appropriate behavior, do you?

[Anonymous]

lmao

I would not punish. This is mild. Having siblings that mess with each other is a blessing.

This is why the younger generation is so soft.

To be clear, I wouldn't be happy about it-- but I wouldn't think it's a big deal, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lmao

I would not punish. This is mild. Having siblings that mess with each other is a blessing.

This is why the younger generation is so soft.

To be clear, I wouldn't be happy about it-- but I wouldn't think it's a big deal, either.

If you don't punish for mild misbehavior how do kids learn not to engage in major misbehavior?

Kids will hear enough bad things about themselves without letting it run rampant in the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and it's so interesting to see how many different points of view there are about this. I really appreciate folks weighing in.

I tend to go right to the "omg he's a sociopath" perspective, and it's helpful to the opposite perspective which is that sometimes kids do this type of thing to each other. Not that it makes it acceptable behavior, but it doesn't mean he's a horrible person.

Anyway, we had a chat and I ended up having him write an apology letter to his brother.

Oh lord. He is not a sociopath. He is a kid who is acting like a jerk. Focus on kindness in the house. Call him out for jerk behavior. But don’t make this more than it is.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and it's so interesting to see how many different points of view there are about this. I really appreciate folks weighing in.

I tend to go right to the "omg he's a sociopath" perspective, and it's helpful to the opposite perspective which is that sometimes kids do this type of thing to each other. Not that it makes it acceptable behavior, but it doesn't mean he's a horrible person.

Anyway, we had a chat and I ended up having him write an apology letter to his brother.

Sounds good. Did the brother relationship seem a little restored, as well as his relationship to you? I'm the one who said I made my daughter do that, and it helped her and her sister skip off to play until about, you know, 10 minutes later when they were fighting again. But temporarily it helped and hopefully doing the little moments of repair helps patch up all the little fights and in the end they grow up with a good relationship, you know?

The other weirdness about this whole thing was that both kids played together without fighting for hours before having some quiet time, where this incident went down!

I'm going to reread Siblings without Rivalry which I haven't picked up in a couple years and remind myself of some other techniques for improving relations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and it's so interesting to see how many different points of view there are about this. I really appreciate folks weighing in.

I tend to go right to the "omg he's a sociopath" perspective, and it's helpful to the opposite perspective which is that sometimes kids do this type of thing to each other. Not that it makes it acceptable behavior, but it doesn't mean he's a horrible person.

Anyway, we had a chat and I ended up having him write an apology letter to his brother.

Oh lord. He is not a sociopath. He is a kid who is acting like a jerk. Focus on kindness in the house. Call him out for jerk behavior. But don’t make this more than it is.

I agree! I think I'm part of the problem here by overreacting. Reframing this behavior will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What else has he done and what have been the consequences?

It's difficult to answer without knowing this.

For now, you can say, "In this family, we treat each other with kindness. This was not kind. It was mean and hurtful. I'm upset by your behavior and need to think through calmly about what your consequence will be."

In his younger years, we did a lot of natural consequences and he was a real rule follower.

I'm finding natural consequences are tougher now. What's the natural consequence for someone who talks back to you? (In that case, I just sent him to his room by saying it seemed like he needed some time on his own.)

A lot of his issues are around his little brother. At school, teachers love him and he does great. With me alone, generally, he's been amazing. It's only been the last couple months where some attitude has seeped in.

You need to read and listen to Dr. Becky. She has a podcast, a book, and she has workshops you can pay to attend. She had a thing on punishments and deeply feelings kids which might be your older child.

Do you favor your younger child? Be honest with yourself. If the younger child and older child both fell and cried which would you go to first?

My MiL told my SIL with her second that when the second was a baby and young they wouldn’t remember if they were left to wait 10 extra minutes so mom could say hi to the other child.

I would also recommend taking your older one out just you and him. Have him pick what he wants to do or give him a couple choices, something just you and him. Also, if two kids are together let older one pick what they do sometimes as well. Also praise the older one when they do something good. Hey older child, it is your choice where we go to breakfast the Diner or Tates?

I find talking to them and listening really helps. Do this when it’s just you and him. Who does bedtime for your kids? Maybe you focus on your oldest bedtime for a bit or if you do the youngest first spend a few minutes when lights are out to ask your oldest if they have anything they want to talk about. My child tells me so much of what is going on when I stay in the room for 5 minutes after we turn the lights off.


So talk to your kids. If you need help look into therapists for your older kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What else has he done and what have been the consequences?

It's difficult to answer without knowing this.

For now, you can say, "In this family, we treat each other with kindness. This was not kind. It was mean and hurtful. I'm upset by your behavior and need to think through calmly about what your consequence will be."

In his younger years, we did a lot of natural consequences and he was a real rule follower.

I'm finding natural consequences are tougher now. What's the natural consequence for someone who talks back to you? (In that case, I just sent him to his room by saying it seemed like he needed some time on his own.)

A lot of his issues are around his little brother. At school, teachers love him and he does great. With me alone, generally, he's been amazing. It's only been the last couple months where some attitude has seeped in.

You need to read and listen to Dr. Becky. She has a podcast, a book, and she has workshops you can pay to attend. She had a thing on punishments and deeply feelings kids which might be your older child.

Do you favor your younger child? Be honest with yourself. If the younger child and older child both fell and cried which would you go to first?

My MiL told my SIL with her second that when the second was a baby and young they wouldn’t remember if they were left to wait 10 extra minutes so mom could say hi to the other child.

I would also recommend taking your older one out just you and him. Have him pick what he wants to do or give him a couple choices, something just you and him. Also, if two kids are together let older one pick what they do sometimes as well. Also praise the older one when they do something good. Hey older child, it is your choice where we go to breakfast the Diner or Tates?

I find talking to them and listening really helps. Do this when it’s just you and him. Who does bedtime for your kids? Maybe you focus on your oldest bedtime for a bit or if you do the youngest first spend a few minutes when lights are out to ask your oldest if they have anything they want to talk about. My child tells me so much of what is going on when I stay in the room for 5 minutes after we turn the lights off.


So talk to your kids. If you need help look into therapists for your older kid.

OP's 9 year old did something unkind and underhanded once. Doesn't mean she's neglecting him or needs to re-evaluate her whole parenting style (not sure why DCUM is so Dr. Becky obsessed all of a sudden, OP mentioned she's rereading Siblings Without Rivalry already). Also what is true for your SIL with her newborn and toddler is not necessarily the same for a parent of of a 9 and 6 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What else has he done and what have been the consequences?

It's difficult to answer without knowing this.

For now, you can say, "In this family, we treat each other with kindness. This was not kind. It was mean and hurtful. I'm upset by your behavior and need to think through calmly about what your consequence will be."

In his younger years, we did a lot of natural consequences and he was a real rule follower.

I'm finding natural consequences are tougher now. What's the natural consequence for someone who talks back to you? (In that case, I just sent him to his room by saying it seemed like he needed some time on his own.)

A lot of his issues are around his little brother. At school, teachers love him and he does great. With me alone, generally, he's been amazing. It's only been the last couple months where some attitude has seeped in.

You need to read and listen to Dr. Becky. She has a podcast, a book, and she has workshops you can pay to attend. She had a thing on punishments and deeply feelings kids which might be your older child.

Do you favor your younger child? Be honest with yourself. If the younger child and older child both fell and cried which would you go to first?

My MiL told my SIL with her second that when the second was a baby and young they wouldn’t remember if they were left to wait 10 extra minutes so mom could say hi to the other child.

I would also recommend taking your older one out just you and him. Have him pick what he wants to do or give him a couple choices, something just you and him. Also, if two kids are together let older one pick what they do sometimes as well. Also praise the older one when they do something good. Hey older child, it is your choice where we go to breakfast the Diner or Tates?

I find talking to them and listening really helps. Do this when it’s just you and him. Who does bedtime for your kids? Maybe you focus on your oldest bedtime for a bit or if you do the youngest first spend a few minutes when lights are out to ask your oldest if they have anything they want to talk about. My child tells me so much of what is going on when I stay in the room for 5 minutes after we turn the lights off.


So talk to your kids. If you need help look into therapists for your older kid.

+1