Compassion fatigue

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all the responses. I feel guilty not keeping her with us and moving her to AL. But I really am exhausted am so tired and yes resentful. I met with a therapist the week (new one) and he made a comment that both thoughts can live together - I don't want her to go to AL and that she needs to go to AL for the good of everyone.

My parent made no plans. They just didn't care to plan. Just spent $$ and figured we (all 4 kids) would all take care of them. That never happens. And the damage to sibling relationships is real.

Lesson learned - plan, don't make your kids carry you and your decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all the responses. I feel guilty not keeping her with us and moving her to AL. But I really am exhausted am so tired and yes resentful. I met with a therapist the week (new one) and he made a comment that both thoughts can live together - I don't want her to go to AL and that she needs to go to AL for the good of everyone.

My parent made no plans. They just didn't care to plan. Just spent $$ and figured we (all 4 kids) would all take care of them. That never happens. And the damage to sibling relationships is real.

Lesson learned - plan, don't make your kids carry you and your decisions.

Of course it happens. It doesn't mean it is the best options but it does happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope for your sake that you are able to get your mom into AL. She will complain and you will feel guilty. But it is what it is. Many people are living much longer now than earlier generations--well into their own children's senior years. It simply is not tenable for everyone to host/take care of their elderly parents in their own home for years.

My own MIL is 93 and is cared for in her own home by her 3 daughters--the two sons help when the daughters go on vacation. MIL refused part-time help/aides or the idea of moving into AL. One daughter commutes from 5 states away to care for her several days a week and another lives with MIL in her home. Daughters are in their 60s, still working, and have been caring for both MIL and FIL (who lived until 90) for over a decade. The third daughter puts in her "shift" on weekends but is never acknowledged by my MIL. Conveniently for my MIL, her daughter are unmarried and can be at her beck and call without the constraint of having their own families. My MIL was complaining to me the other day that the daughter who lives with her is "on the phone all day" and that she only gets to talk with someone when the other daughter who commutes 500+ miles is in town. The daughter who lives with her is "on the phone all day" because she is working. She has a lovely home of her own a few miles away that she hasn't slept in for over 3 years. She will never hear "thank you" from her mother. My MIL lives for when the other daughter is in town because she doesn't have to work when she's there and can cater to MIL's every whim.

A friend moved in with her mom (who is (90+) 3 years ago when her dad died at 90. She basically abandoned her own home and husband. Her mother refuses to have anyone come in to help out or to go to AL even though the family has resources to pay for it.

Basically, there are far too many older seniors who have made zero plans for their advanced old age, don't want change, want to be taken care of in their own home by their own kids, and don't consider the cost to anyone else. This is a growing problem and we're not dealing with it effectively enough as a society.

I was lucky that my own parent agreed to go to AL when it started becoming too unsafe for him to live alone. I continued to provide hours of daily support (companionship, taking him to medical appointments, dealing with the AL facility, etc.) but at least I could retreat to my own home at the end of the day. You don't have that option.

All of this is to tell you that you are not a bad daughter for not wanting to host your mom in your home anymore. It's too much to ask--especially when the situation can last many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope for your sake that you are able to get your mom into AL. She will complain and you will feel guilty. But it is what it is. Many people are living much longer now than earlier generations--well into their own children's senior years. It simply is not tenable for everyone to host/take care of their elderly parents in their own home for years.

My own MIL is 93 and is cared for in her own home by her 3 daughters--the two sons help when the daughters go on vacation. MIL refused part-time help/aides or the idea of moving into AL. One daughter commutes from 5 states away to care for her several days a week and another lives with MIL in her home. Daughters are in their 60s, still working, and have been caring for both MIL and FIL (who lived until 90) for over a decade. The third daughter puts in her "shift" on weekends but is never acknowledged by my MIL. Conveniently for my MIL, her daughter are unmarried and can be at her beck and call without the constraint of having their own families. My MIL was complaining to me the other day that the daughter who lives with her is "on the phone all day" and that she only gets to talk with someone when the other daughter who commutes 500+ miles is in town. The daughter who lives with her is "on the phone all day" because she is working. She has a lovely home of her own a few miles away that she hasn't slept in for over 3 years. She will never hear "thank you" from her mother. My MIL lives for when the other daughter is in town because she doesn't have to work when she's there and can cater to MIL's every whim.

A friend moved in with her mom (who is (90+) 3 years ago when her dad died at 90. She basically abandoned her own home and husband. Her mother refuses to have anyone come in to help out or to go to AL even though the family has resources to pay for it.

Basically, there are far too many older seniors who have made zero plans for their advanced old age, don't want change, want to be taken care of in their own home by their own kids, and don't consider the cost to anyone else. This is a growing problem and we're not dealing with it effectively enough as a society.

I was lucky that my own parent agreed to go to AL when it started becoming too unsafe for him to live alone. I continued to provide hours of daily support (companionship, taking him to medical appointments, dealing with the AL facility, etc.) but at least I could retreat to my own home at the end of the day. You don't have that option.

All of this is to tell you that you are not a bad daughter for not wanting to host your mom in your home anymore. It's too much to ask--especially when the situation can last many years.

Not OP but thank you for this post and everyone else's as well. The guilt I feel for not caring for my mom in the way society expects and her own personally expectations has been eating away at me. Its a lose-lose situation. And even with mini-breaks with the help of other family members I never get time off from my feelings and thoughts related to her care. Its all encompassing to be the primary caregiver in your house. Therapy has helped but the reality is I don't know if I can ever get the years I have committed to this back - I have missed so much time with my husband, my kids, my siblings. And the time with my mother has not been a pleasant experience. All of this is to say - hang in there OP. I did find support groups useful for exchanging thoughts and ideas but at the end of the day...I still have to be on call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all the responses. I feel guilty not keeping her with us and moving her to AL. But I really am exhausted am so tired and yes resentful. I met with a therapist the week (new one) and he made a comment that both thoughts can live together - I don't want her to go to AL and that she needs to go to AL for the good of everyone.

My parent made no plans. They just didn't care to plan. Just spent $$ and figured we (all 4 kids) would all take care of them. That never happens. And the damage to sibling relationships is real.

Lesson learned - plan, don't make your kids carry you and your decisions.

Of course it happens. It doesn't mean it is the best options but it does happen.

NP and about the bolded- realistically, all 4 adult children won’t help equally and equitably - this is impossible and infeasible.

And so the above theory can ruin sibling relationships- who did/visited/spent more, etc.

I urge adult siblings to extend grace to each other and keep in constant communication with each other. Divvy up the workload - take turns or assign weeks on and off if you can.

Maybe the local daughter needs a break. Maybe the furthest away sibling can handle all admin type tasks remotely (scheduling medical appointments, making follow up calls) while another sibling can visit the parent(s) for fresh perspective.

I have many more ideas - navigated all with my 3 siblings. Parents now both deceased.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if this will help, probably not, but my mom got her mom, who was lovely and and Alzheimers, to go to adult day care (which was a godsend) by presenting it as a volunteer opportunity; she would be showing the other people how to do things. It worked! My grandmother was a caregiver, so this volunteer idea played into her personality. I’m not sure if you could find a similar hook to get your mom to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of both parents for almost 15 years, but at a distance (I would go on weekends). Dad died in 2020 then Mom moved in. I’m exhausted. My tank is empty. I hate sending her to assisted living, but I think my health, Mental and physical, is impacted. She doesn’t want to go, but I need a break. Siblings are not helping at all.

I hate that my parents had no plan. Hate that she just sits in my house all day. I’m so done.

She might actually enjoy it. There are activities and other people to socialize with. Don’t feel bad about it.