Anyone else confused and slightly angry at their own parents?

[Anonymous]

I had a similar background, my parents are from india. I went through the same exact thing when I was pregnant with my first. Thinking about how they treated me, feeling anger and disgust, knowing that I would never be the same with my kids. And I haven't been. They are 9 and 13 now and I am the parent that I deserved as a child. My DD and DS are both like me in different ways, and raising them in a firm but very loving way has been very healing for me.

Everything will be okay. I'm sorry your dad was abusive and that your mother allowed it. My situation wasn't exactly the same, but I do truly understand.

Do consider therapy. It may be helpful. Best of luck to you and congratulations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a white American from a conservative (southern) background who married and then eventually divorced a Korean immigrant. He is a devoted and loving father to our girls and would never physically hurt them - which in and of itself is a big change/improvement over how he was raised - but in many other ways, he’s still stuck living and parenting under these restrictive Korean cultural paradigms that he isn’t even consciously aware of, and frankly it causes both him and the girls needless suffering. I could go into so much more detail but TLDR I absolutely recommend therapy to unpack all of this. Best of luck and I’m so sorry for what you experienced.

OP here. Would you be okay with going into detail? The reason why I ask is because my husband is from a white American family that's very progressive and basically did "gentle parenting" when it wasn't popular twenty years ago (his parents are hippie-ish professors). I know that our parenting styles will conflict down the line when our child is born, and I've been really worried for a while now about any future conflicts.

DH knows that I don't plan on laying a hand on our kids. But I am very concerned about future divisions about parenting down the line, and I'm sure my upbringing has impacted me in ways I'm not even aware of (not even counting the physical abuse). TIA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you need therapy, it sounds like you’ve worked out your thoughts. What are you hoping to get from seeing a psychiatrist?

OP here, that's what I'm wondering. What would therapy really do for me besides encourage me to navel gaze? On the other hand, maybe someone with a childhood like mine really does need therapy... I'm not sure.

[Anonymous]

OP here, one of the reasons why I'm considering therapy is because my husband is much more calm and composed than I am. I tend to be overly emotionally reactive and anxious to things, and DH is verrrryyy laid-back. Sometimes I wonder if therapy would help me be like him, but then I wonder if this is something innate that can't be changed.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try to do a parenting class together? I really liked the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids and my husband and I did an online course by the author. You were abused OP but I think everyone brings some sort of childhood baggage to parenting and many blindly repeat it. I think you’ve already done the hardest part by recognizing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents were doing the best they could in the circumstances they were in. They were probably scared, lonely and didn’t have the support they would back home. They also probably wanted a better life for you than the one they had back home which was probably unimaginably difficult (otherwise why immigrate). They mistakenly thought that being harsh with you would protect you. I agree with seeing a therapist, preferably an Asian or an immigrant with some cultural awareness. You do not have to repeat the same pattern again with your own kids. You can break the cycle. You’ve already gone through the first step.

your first setence annoys me. They were doing the best they could by beating their children? So it was best because they didn't kill them? This is how the older generation justifies cruddy behavior. No one was doing their best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, one of the reasons why I'm considering therapy is because my husband is much more calm and composed than I am. I tend to be overly emotionally reactive and anxious to things, and DH is verrrryyy laid-back. Sometimes I wonder if therapy would help me be like him, but then I wonder if this is something innate that can't be changed.

You can change and become less reactive. Therapy can help you be more objective about your childhood. When you see clearly under what conditions you were formed which created these instincts in you, you have a better chance at change. You are an adult and going to be a mother soon. It's time to leave behind the reactivity and anxiousness which were beaten into you as a child. They aren't needed any more to keep you safe.

[Anonymous]

Get to therapy asap. This sounds very similar to my Indian American upbringing and I worked through a lot of this before years before having a kid. You need to make this a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, one of the reasons why I'm considering therapy is because my husband is much more calm and composed than I am. I tend to be overly emotionally reactive and anxious to things, and DH is verrrryyy laid-back. Sometimes I wonder if therapy would help me be like him, but then I wonder if this is something innate that can't be changed.

You likely need to be treated for anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, one of the reasons why I'm considering therapy is because my husband is much more calm and composed than I am. I tend to be overly emotionally reactive and anxious to things, and DH is verrrryyy laid-back. Sometimes I wonder if therapy would help me be like him, but then I wonder if this is something innate that can't be changed.

You won't be exactly like him. But you can be less anxious with help. One time a friend was over with her toddler - hers and mine were 18and 20 months old. They both spilled cheerios on the floor at the same time. She yelled "Oh my god, OLIVIA! It never ends with you!" and I said "Whoopsie daisies!" We both stared at each other in shock. She asked how I wasn't upset. I asked how she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you need therapy, it sounds like you’ve worked out your thoughts. What are you hoping to get from seeing a psychiatrist?

OP here, that's what I'm wondering. What would therapy really do for me besides encourage me to navel gaze? On the other hand, maybe someone with a childhood like mine really does need therapy... I'm not sure.

Therapy can help you learn how to manage your anger. You will get angry at your kids: you need to be in control of that so you don't hit them or otherwise screw up.

I think therapy can do a lot more and you're being dismissive of it ("navel gazing") without seeming to recognize that healthy self confidence is why your DH can be laid back --
but I'd start with anger management strategies.

[Anonymous]

You are pregnant now and your perspective may change when you have a child. What you endured sounds awful and I hope time and therapy can help you heal.
When I had my children I had more empathy for my parents’ flaws and shortcomings because I realized how they were doing their best with the emotional skills and information they had at the time.
When I had my children I realized I could never love my parents as much as they love me - as much as I love my children.
There are things I do differently because when we know better, we can do better.