What is the hardest part of being a single mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is beyond stupid and extraordinarily selfish. Widowed and divorced women are not single moms because they still have an ex or family. Also, do not think that children of single women do not suffer socially.

So, now we are defining single mom to not include widows?

Are single moms with families included?

Yeah, the widow “exception” is ludicrous— how does that make a difference to how hard it is?

I know an affluent SMBC who adopted/rescued two elementary-aged daughters from overseas poverty, and all of their lives are infinitely better for it. She is part of a huge close-knit clannish local family so she has “a village.” But I don’t think she dates anyone. So I think having a village, having daughters, not raising infants, and not dating are big enablers. If those parameters don’t work for you, or if money is scarce, then it might not be such a great idea.

[Anonymous]

80% of being a parent is logistics/cleaning/discipline - not the stuff you dream of when having a baby.
so, doing all the logistics/cleaning/discipline on your own becomes overwhelming and you then feel like you do nothing but work and kid tasks.

I'm recently separated, with schoolage kids and feel a bit like I'm drowning without help. I need to revert to getting a full-time nanny/house manager again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:80% of being a parent is logistics/cleaning/discipline - not the stuff you dream of when having a baby.
so, doing all the logistics/cleaning/discipline on your own becomes overwhelming and you then feel like you do nothing but work and kid tasks.

I'm recently separated, with schoolage kids and feel a bit like I'm drowning without help. I need to revert to getting a full-time nanny/house manager again.

How do you not have help when you say you are separated. That means there is another parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:80% of being a parent is logistics/cleaning/discipline - not the stuff you dream of when having a baby.
so, doing all the logistics/cleaning/discipline on your own becomes overwhelming and you then feel like you do nothing but work and kid tasks.

I'm recently separated, with schoolage kids and feel a bit like I'm drowning without help. I need to revert to getting a full-time nanny/house manager again.

How do you not have help when you say you are separated. That means there is another parent.

Exactly. All those things she says are overwhelming her are just standard operating procedure for a SMBC like me. Unlike that PP, I never relied on anyone else to share those tasks. I just did them myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know how people always post about their spouse wanting to handle things differently with their child than they do and then they argue about it? Well, the good thing about being a single mom is I never have to argue. Everything gets done my way because I'm in charge.

The hardest thing is also that - I have to handle EVERYTHING. The mental and physical load all the time, no matter what.

I would add the financial load to that last paragraph. But not having to negotiate parenting styles is incredibly, wonderfully helpful. And going into parenting planning to be in charge of everything is much much easier than unexpectedly being stuck being in charge of everything when you signed up to do it with a partner, so keep that in mind, OP.

[Anonymous]

If I had the money, why not? I’m tired because I do everything 24/7/365. There is nobody to help me.

[Anonymous]

The hardest part of being a single mom is dealing with my ex, who periodically reappears and decides to "do parenting" again.

My life would be so much easier, and more manageable, if I didn't have to navigate both his random appearances and the impact on the kids of this peripatetic approach to fatherhood.

[Anonymous]

The hardest part for me as a widow solo parent is logistics as well. I can't be in two places at the same time and now that my kids are teenagers, that is sometimes a big problem. I try to do carpools, but we don't always live near someone we can carpool with. My oldest will be driving soon, so just another year or so of this conflict, but it has been stressful. However, if I were a single mom by choice of two kids, I would have chosen activities to avoid this problem as much as possible. Didn't plan on being a widow and I don't want to pull my kids out of activities that they now really enjoy.

[Anonymous]

I was a single mom for a while, now remarried (after four years as a single mom).

For me:

The financial hardship - this was pronounced for me as I was a trailing spouse overseas and a SAHM who had to find FT work right after relocating back to the US (with a toddler and a baby, so exorbitant childcare costs). I am still paying the price for this via a bankruptcy.

The perception, which went along with the newfound poverty. People are judgmental, especially women who don’t want you around their husbands, who they just know you’re trying to steal away from them. And you’re “easy.” (I was young, thin, and cute which didn’t help.)

Dating was actually fine, as fine as can be in this era.

Mostly though just the lack of any support (I was broke and had no family help which exacerbated this feeling). No margin for error and absolutely everything fell on me - their dad was a day’s travel away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a single mom for a while, now remarried (after four years as a single mom).

For me:

The financial hardship - this was pronounced for me as I was a trailing spouse overseas and a SAHM who had to find FT work right after relocating back to the US (with a toddler and a baby, so exorbitant childcare costs). I am still paying the price for this via a bankruptcy.

The perception, which went along with the newfound poverty. People are judgmental, especially women who don’t want you around their husbands, who they just know you’re trying to steal away from them. And you’re “easy.” (I was young, thin, and cute which didn’t help.)

Dating was actually fine, as fine as can be in this era.

Mostly though just the lack of any support (I was broke and had no family help which exacerbated this feeling). No margin for error and absolutely everything fell on me - their dad was a day’s travel away.

How old were you?

[Anonymous]

Agreed with PP
There is a distinction in the following

Single parent - parent without the help of the other parent (mom without the father in the picture AT ALL)

Single mom - single mom that is separated from the father, the father is probably not around 24/7 but he exsits

There’s a difference when the father is in the picture, even if he’s not around all the time. The child at least knows that they have a biological father somewhere. They can match a name to a title. Not saying that it’s a good or healthy relationship however that person exsists.

Single parents don’t have the option of the other parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was trying to tell my friend that being a single mom is NOT a good idea! I know because I am one lol.

For me is mostly financially challenging, and she has money so she doesn't feel that resonates.

I think also though if you don't have a partner to help with the balance (yin/yang energies) you feel depleted energetically trying for multiple roles, all on your own.

I think women who 'choose' to be a single mother have no idea what they're getting into, but clearly I am biased.

What do you think?

I wish I were a single mother by choice vs marrying an abuser and then divorcing from/now "co-parenting" with an abuser. It is incredibly difficult and demoralizing to be a single mother in my situation (I know I'm not the only one). If I were a single mom without a counter-parenting horrible abuser in the mix, it would be *infinitely easier and more peaceful*. That would be my dream. A life of happiness and peace with my child, just the two of us. For me, any financial challenges absolutely pale in comparison to dealing with an abusive ex/other parent.

[Anonymous]

It’s easier in many ways.

Less communication
Less negotiation
Don’t have to worry about someone being jealous of the time you spend with the kids
Nobody constantly wanting you to fulfill their needs
Less to cook/clean
Nobody to go against the way you want to parent like allowing screen time when you say no.
Nobody to make lists for and ask to do their 1/2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a single mom for a while, now remarried (after four years as a single mom).

For me:

The financial hardship - this was pronounced for me as I was a trailing spouse overseas and a SAHM who had to find FT work right after relocating back to the US (with a toddler and a baby, so exorbitant childcare costs). I am still paying the price for this via a bankruptcy.

The perception, which went along with the newfound poverty. People are judgmental, especially women who don’t want you around their husbands, who they just know you’re trying to steal away from them. And you’re “easy.” (I was young, thin, and cute which didn’t help.)

Dating was actually fine, as fine as can be in this era.

Mostly though just the lack of any support (I was broke and had no family help which exacerbated this feeling). No margin for error and absolutely everything fell on me - their dad was a day’s travel away.

How old were you?

30.

[Anonymous]

Former single mom- What I don't miss about being a single mom is the loneliness. It was so pervasive in every aspect.

It can be very lonely attending things on behalf of your kid when everyone else is paired off. I didn't mind it much in the beginning, but it was difficult to socialize on occasion.