Managing finances when separation is on the table

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been seriously contemplating separation and I'm trying to figure out how to manage our finances during this time. Last month when things were looking worse than they are now, I moved my direct deposit into another account that he doesn't have access to. Now it seems like the separation is less imminent, but I don't really want to change my direct deposit again.

I'd like to propose that we split expenses into three categories: joint, mine and his. Then we would each pay a proportional amount of the joint expenses based on our proportion of total income. So if I make 65% of our total income, I'll pay 65% of the joint expenses. With the remaining funds we would pay for our own expenses and both contribute to paying off some debt.

In general I'm an advocate of joint finances, but don't feel like I trust him enough right now. Does this seem like a reasonable and fair arrangement?


Sorry if this should go in the relationship forum, I wasn't sure which to choose.

[Anonymous]

you solution seems very reasonable to me

[Anonymous]

Are you in marital counseling, or even therapy just for yourself? Also, do you have an attorney for yourself, if you do decide to get divorced? I think your plan sounds very reasonable as well given the circumstances, but you might want to discuss the pros and cons with a trusted advocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you in marital counseling, or even therapy just for yourself? Also, do you have an attorney for yourself, if you do decide to get divorced? I think your plan sounds very reasonable as well given the circumstances, but you might want to discuss the pros and cons with a trusted advocate.

Yes, I'm in therapy, although DH refused to come with me. I have the name of a few lawyers from a friend, but haven't been able to make the call quite yet.

[Anonymous]

Oof. Sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. Yep, your plan sounds reasonable to me.

[Anonymous]

In my case, separation isn't imminent (trying to hold out until the kids are older), so I haven't gone as far as moving my direct deposit to my separate account. But I did cancel joint credit cards and having only separate his and hers cards makes it easier to separately pay some of the expenses.

[Anonymous]

We are not planning to separate, but we still do 3 accounts. It works well. We have been doing this for years and it works great. We both do direct deposit for a set amount into the joint account and I pay all the bills. He has access to the joint account, although has never once looked at it (in 8plus years of being together). We also set aside our tax return money to a joint account for emergency fund, house repairs and vacations. If he has an expense (he does all the house repairs) he just tells me what it is and I usually write him a check (his account is at a different bank and that way seems to work best). We have our own credit cards and never fight about money. I modeled this after my sister (who did the same thing with her husband). They have been married for 25plus years and are one of the few couples I know that don't disagree about money. And, similar to what you are talking about doing, we divide it up based on who makes what. Originally, I was the primary breadwinner. The recession and motherhood has changed that so we readjusted. So far so good. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

We are happily married and we keep separate accounts; his, hers and ours. Our paychecks go into our own account and we put a portion in the joint account based on a proportion of our salary. We rarely argue about money.

[Anonymous]

OP, is the separation about financial, emotional, or sexual issues?

My wife and I were considering separation last year, until she did some introspection and I did some investigation of health issues and made a few conscious choices.

But at no point did we mistrust each other about money.

So that's why I'm saying -- if it's because you don't trust him with money, then keep accounts separate. If he was banging the secretary but not spending excessive amounts of money on her (aside from buying her coffee, a small lunch, that sort of thing, but not $300 shoes/sweaters) then consider re-uniting financially.

But your idea is reasonable.

I wouldn't go to the mat to defend it though, if your husband is trustworthy about money. I wouldn't reunite financially if you're not 100% sure about reuniting emotionally.