DH wants to spend retirement money on private school...help

[Anonymous]

The DCs are fine in public, although unhappy socially. But we will be very unhappy when we have no money for college or retirement. DH is 61. we are talking private HS. What to say to make him understand?

[Anonymous]

No. Just, no.

My DH comes from a long line of Catholic school kids. His siblings send their kids to Catholic school and I just won't have it. I grew up pretty poor, DH's family wasn't much better off, and now that we are educated and doing well for ourselves I refuse to spend money on schools. We will be moving before our DS starts K specifically to land in a good school district - I have two in mind in our hometown and I will not budge. DS wants me to remain open to Catholic HS if our son (or any subsequent children) chooses that route one day and I am ok with that compromise - at least it's only 4 years of tuition payments instead of 13.

Every single financial advisor worth the money will tell you that the FIRST thing you take care of is your own retirement. Your not doing your kids any service by blowing your savings and making them feel obligated down the road to take care of you.

Your DH is being overly emotional about his kids' troubles, and this is not the way to help them. Lots of kids are unhappy socially. You should be saving your money and finding ways to help them cope, adapt, come out of their shell, whatever. As parents it is not our job to make sure that our children never feel any discomfort - our job is to help them learn how to cope and how to solve their own problems.

Good luck and stand firm. Your DH is totally, 100% wrong about this issue IMO.

[Anonymous]

If academically the school the fine, then absolutely not. Moving to private isnt going to magically change their social life to be more of what they want. If they aren't the cool kids or arent popular with the girls, or whatever, that isn't going to change by changing schools. And in high school, frankly, breaking into a clique is hard. They are well established by then.

Beyond that, I'd argue they are going to feel even more estranged by moving. The minute you set foot in the $25 to $30,000 a year private school business, you have to realize that there are going to be families there for whom that's just a two week paycheck. While thats not true in every case of course, on average, you are going to see a lot more money. That means that when summer comes along its going to be "Tommy and Jack are going to Italy, can I go too?" and "Brittany is going to WISP this weekend to ski, can I go?" and "Jack is doing a 10 week summer camp in Utah, I want to go as well" ... to say nothing of the fact that a lot of the kids will have sizable allowances (read: "Dad can I borrow $50, the guys want to go to XXX Friday night", or if you have a daughter maybe more about clothes), many will be driving luxury cars, will live in big houses, etc.

If they feel out of place now, be careful, moving to private may make them feel even more so. I'm not saying that learning that some people have more and others dont is bad or something to be ashamed of, but to a 15 year old, the distinction is much harder. When it gets time to go to the mall and everyone but your kid has money to go to lunch or shopping, he or she is going to feel really awful. So then you can either force them to accept this reality, or you can cave and try to keep up with the other families. Neither solution is a good one.

Stay the fuck put.

[Anonymous]

OP here we are in private now. Of course DS loves it. Don't most people love what they cant afford?

[Anonymous]

Agreed - you don't want your kids to be the poor kids at school and screw yourselves financially in the process. This would be a non-starter with me.

[Anonymous]

Question: are you talking about using the money which you currently contribute to retirement for tuition instead? Or taking money from your retirement account?

If DH is already 61, perhaps you have a substantial retirement account that can afford for you to lighten the contributions for a couple years? Maybe you or DH are willing to work an extra 4 years to pay for high school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: are you talking about using the money which you currently contribute to retirement for tuition instead? Or taking money from your retirement account?

If DH is already 61, perhaps you have a substantial retirement account that can afford for you to lighten the contributions for a couple years? Maybe you or DH are willing to work an extra 4 years to pay for high school?

Given that she says "But we will be very unhappy when we have no money for college or retirement." it doesnt sound like thats the case....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed - you don't want your kids to be the poor kids at school and screw yourselves financially in the process. This would be a non-starter with me.

+1

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband that he can only do it if he is willing to take a second job and repay the retirement loan from the earnings for the second job. And he can only take out as much as the second job brings in annually. If he can't bring in enough to cover all of the private schools then he can't do it.

Remember that if you take the money out after age 55 without retiring, you still have to pay a penalty. You only do NOT pay the penalty if you actually retire. Since obviously your husband cannot afford to retire (not if he wants to pay for private HS and college) you'd be paying penalties to take out that money. Where is the money for the penalties coming from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Beyond that, I'd argue they are going to feel even more estranged by moving. The minute you set foot in the $25 to $30,000 a year private school business, you have to realize that there are going to be families there for whom that's just a two week paycheck. While thats not true in every case of course, on average, you are going to see a lot more money.

What the hell kind of job is that?

Did I pick the wrong major in school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Beyond that, I'd argue they are going to feel even more estranged by moving. The minute you set foot in the $25 to $30,000 a year private school business, you have to realize that there are going to be families there for whom that's just a two week paycheck. While thats not true in every case of course, on average, you are going to see a lot more money.

What the hell kind of job is that?

Did I pick the wrong major in school?

Yes, and the wrong parents!

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thank you for suggestions. We are not taking money from our retirement accounts, but we still need to put more in!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Beyond that, I'd argue they are going to feel even more estranged by moving. The minute you set foot in the $25 to $30,000 a year private school business, you have to realize that there are going to be families there for whom that's just a two week paycheck. While thats not true in every case of course, on average, you are going to see a lot more money.

What the hell kind of job is that?

Did I pick the wrong major in school?

partner in big law in DC (this is the job I know, I am sure there are many others in DC judging by the price of homes)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The DCs are fine in public, although unhappy socially. But we will be very unhappy when we have no money for college or retirement. DH is 61. we are talking private HS. What to say to make him understand?

Tell us more about your finances, family and job situations. You can't just ask for help and get something meaningful - too many moving parts in a family that's even considering private school?

Where do you live?
Where do you and he work?
How much are you trying to save for retirement?
How many kids?
Blah blah blah.

I know people who make HHI of $150K and live within their means and have both retirement and school covered. I know people with 10 times that amount, and can hardly cover their bills.

Where do you guys fall?

Maybe there are other ways to afford BOTH that you haven't shared with us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Beyond that, I'd argue they are going to feel even more estranged by moving. The minute you set foot in the $25 to $30,000 a year private school business, you have to realize that there are going to be families there for whom that's just a two week paycheck. While thats not true in every case of course, on average, you are going to see a lot more money.

What the hell kind of job is that?

Did I pick the wrong major in school?

A million a year? Partner at a law firm. Hedge fund manager. Venture Capital or Private Equity. Investment Banking Managing Partner. Business Owner. Really any of these.