Making new friends when you're DINKS in the burbs

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are DINKs (for now) in the burbs. We're in our early 30's, new to the area, came to the area for work, and don't have any friends or family here. We've been in the area for 3 years and have yet to make any friends--we have made a few casual acquaintances through social groups who we might see a few times a year, but no one who we can call to make dinner plans with, or invite to a birthday celebration, or consider a real friend.

Anyhow, I am feeling very sad about the whole lack of friends thing and I'm wondering how to make friends when you're a married couple without kids in the burbs. We both work full-time, and most of our co-workers are 30 years older than us with families, so they are not interested in getting together. We joined a church for a year, but found it to be unwelcoming and are looking for another church. Our neighborhood is not conducive to getting to know people, and since we both work full-time we don't have a lot of time to be out doing yardwork or walking in the neighborhood. We have only met 1 neighbor since moving here and have found our neighborhood to be quite unwelcoming (we are not in the demographic for our neighborhood, and I think the neighbors don't like us because we don't fit in here).

I would love to have an active social life, but am not sure realistically if this will ever happen for us here. Pretty much everyone we meet in the burbs either grew up here, went to school here or has lived here for 10 or more years, so their social networks are set, they are already busy with plenty of friends and family, and they are not looking to make new friends. We have tried meetup.com, different social groups in the area, and we have also volunteered and have taken a few adult ed classes. The social groups have been the best way to meet people, but even then people in this area are busy and don't have time for us. Neither of us wants to move back to our hometowns in New England, and we can't think of another city to move to, because I think it would be the same situation anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Many (most?) childless people in this area pick up lite friends through the shared interest of their job.

What profession are you and your husband in that every single other coworker is 62 but you are 32?

[Anonymous]

Frankly, it sounds like you chose the wrong neighborhood. (And I never understood why DINKS woudl move to the suburbs in the first place, but I know that people have different preferences.) Does it mean enough to you to move to another neighborhood? somewhere where there is more going on, and there are more people your age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many (most?) childless people in this area pick up lite friends through the shared interest of their job.

What profession are you and your husband in that every single other coworker is 62 but you are 32?

Well, not all our co-workers are in their 50s and 60s but most are. The rest live in the city so it would be very difficult to get together. Also, none of our co-workers have expressed any interest in getting together outside of work. This puzzles me, because when we lived in other cities, our co-workers were much more social and interested in getting together outside of work. Neither of our workplaces have any happy hours, get togethers, holiday parties, etc. Both of us have let our co-workers know that we are new to the area and don't have any ties here, but no one has suggested getting together. Our workplaces seem to have an unspoken "co-workers are not your friends" rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many (most?) childless people in this area pick up lite friends through the shared interest of their job.

What profession are you and your husband in that every single other coworker is 62 but you are 32?

Well, not all our co-workers are in their 50s and 60s but most are. The rest live in the city so it would be very difficult to get together. Also, none of our co-workers have expressed any interest in getting together outside of work. This puzzles me, because when we lived in other cities, our co-workers were much more social and interested in getting together outside of work. Neither of our workplaces have any happy hours, get togethers, holiday parties, etc. Both of us have let our co-workers know that we are new to the area and don't have any ties here, but no one has suggested getting together. Our workplaces seem to have an unspoken "co-workers are not your friends" rule.

Have you asked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly, it sounds like you chose the wrong neighborhood. (And I never understood why DINKS woudl move to the suburbs in the first place, but I know that people have different preferences.) Does it mean enough to you to move to another neighborhood? somewhere where there is more going on, and there are more people your age?

Well, the thing is that I don't think the neighborhood is the problem. When we moved to this area, we did live in the city (Dupont) for 1.5 years and the social situation was no different then. We rented a condo, and our neighbors were just as unfriendly and aloof as they are now that we're in a single family house in the burbs. We have actually met more potential friends out in the burbs than we did living in the city! We certainly are meeting a lot more childfree married couples in the burbs than we did in the city, much to our surprise! And we are just as socially active in the burbs than we were in the city, actually I'd say we're more socially active in the burbs.

We moved to the suburbs as DINKs because we wanted a single family house with a large yard. We were tired of renting and wanted more space, more quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many (most?) childless people in this area pick up lite friends through the shared interest of their job.

What profession are you and your husband in that every single other coworker is 62 but you are 32?

Well, not all our co-workers are in their 50s and 60s but most are. The rest live in the city so it would be very difficult to get together. Also, none of our co-workers have expressed any interest in getting together outside of work. This puzzles me, because when we lived in other cities, our co-workers were much more social and interested in getting together outside of work. Neither of our workplaces have any happy hours, get togethers, holiday parties, etc. Both of us have let our co-workers know that we are new to the area and don't have any ties here, but no one has suggested getting together. Our workplaces seem to have an unspoken "co-workers are not your friends" rule.

Have you asked?

No, I haven't asked. One co-worker, who I work closely with and who is around my age said very soon after I started the job there that she was not looking to make any new friends. I think she said that because she thought I might ask her to get together sometime. The message was clear. Other co-workers are always talking about how crazy busy their weekends are, packed with friends and family. They clearly have plenty of social connections and aren't looking for more. I also don't want my co-workers to know how lonely I am. There also seems to be an unspoken rule in my office about not being friends outside the office--although we all get along great at work, I have never heard of anyone hanging out after work. I just get that feeling and don't want to initiative a get together when others don't seem receptive. That will put them in an awkward position saying no, and then things will be awkward at the office, which I don't want.

As for DH's office, his office is mostly older married men in their 50s and 60s, so he hasn't really made much of an effort.

[Anonymous]

I'm the jobs pp.

Thinking of myself and every other then-childless person I knew in DC at the time ... We all made lite friends through work. Most were situational but a handful will be enduring thru moves, kids, even divorce.

You're doing all the right things so far but it seems clear that your office(s?) are the problem. And the complete lack of social feel whatsoever leads me to think it could be your profession, possibly? Are you at Lockheed or in an accounting firm? If'so, you may be stuck.

Otherwise it's time to invite 4 people over for a drunken BBQ. I'm serious. Identify the best prospects for fun, stock up on wine and just do it.

This can work -- I actually managed to shake up a staid legal publishing office once by injecting social opportunities into the routine.

[Anonymous]

Shared activities.

We have always lived in the suburbs and for the first many years, I was a single homeowner in the burbs. Then for 10 years I was a DINK until we finally had kids late. We have always been busy and had friends around. Who were our friends? People we met through various groups that we joined. We were involved with the folk dancing scene and my wife spent time with other dancers, people who she would meet for dinner before a dance and then go to the dance with and I'd sometimes go, too. We got very involved with community theater and we were frequently active and socializing with the people who were involved in our current production but between productions we socialized a lot with those people.

First and foremost, find an activity that you enjoy. Participate. Be open about looking for people to go to dinner with before an evening activity. Or perhaps after a weekend afternoon activity. Work on making those plans before the day of. Like if you see some people you enjoyed spending time with, say "I'm coming back again in two weeks...we'd like to head out to dinner afterwards and wind down...anyone interested? Here's my number. If you find that you're free, give me a call and we'll coordinate." But you have to be active and look to coordinate the first few times. While it used to be common that people welcome newcomers into groups and tried to invite them to shared events, that's not very common anymore and now you have to be active looking for people of like mind and inviting people. Don't be discouraged when a few people turn you down...not everyone has the same flexibility that you have. But if you try, you'll find people of like mind that will have similar interests and similar inclination to socialize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the jobs pp.

Thinking of myself and every other then-childless person I knew in DC at the time ... We all made lite friends through work. Most were situational but a handful will be enduring thru moves, kids, even divorce.

You're doing all the right things so far but it seems clear that your office(s?) are the problem. And the complete lack of social feel whatsoever leads me to think it could be your profession, possibly? Are you at Lockheed or in an accounting firm? If'so, you may be stuck.

Otherwise it's time to invite 4 people over for a drunken BBQ. I'm serious. Identify the best prospects for fun, stock up on wine and just do it.

This can work -- I actually managed to shake up a staid legal publishing office once by injecting social opportunities into the routine.

I love my job and don't want to change jobs. It's great except that I have no friends outside the office (but am very friendly at the office and am always called a team player by my boss). I have thought about becoming the "social director" of my office, and scheduling a few happy hours or something, but I honestly don't think it would be welcomed, and I don't want to face more rejection. Since moving here I have put myself out there so many times, taken the initiative, but people don't seem interested or they talk about how crazy busy they are with friends and family, and I have been rejected over and over. You always hear about this area being so transient but I have not foundt hat to be the case at all--everyone we meet is either from here, or their spouse if from here, or they have lived here for 10 year or more and have tons of social connections. We are the only ones who have no family here and no friends. That is pretty unusual from what I've observed.

Anyhow, it is very, very hard to build a social network when you are new to the area. I don't really think the burbs has much to do with it, but I think maybe being childless makes it harder. We are getting ready to TTC, but I also feel sad because I would have no one to invite to see the baby, no one to give me a baby shower, no friends or family to help out during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. We have moved a few times since we moved to this area, and we had no one to help us move, no one to invite to a housewarming. It makes me feel really isolated, and I often wonder if moving here was a mistake. Though honestly I don't think it would be much better anywhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shared activities.

We have always lived in the suburbs and for the first many years, I was a single homeowner in the burbs. Then for 10 years I was a DINK until we finally had kids late. We have always been busy and had friends around. Who were our friends? People we met through various groups that we joined. We were involved with the folk dancing scene and my wife spent time with other dancers, people who she would meet for dinner before a dance and then go to the dance with and I'd sometimes go, too. We got very involved with community theater and we were frequently active and socializing with the people who were involved in our current production but between productions we socialized a lot with those people.

First and foremost, find an activity that you enjoy. Participate. Be open about looking for people to go to dinner with before an evening activity. Or perhaps after a weekend afternoon activity. Work on making those plans before the day of. Like if you see some people you enjoyed spending time with, say "I'm coming back again in two weeks...we'd like to head out to dinner afterwards and wind down...anyone interested? Here's my number. If you find that you're free, give me a call and we'll coordinate." But you have to be active and look to coordinate the first few times. While it used to be common that people welcome newcomers into groups and tried to invite them to shared events, that's not very common anymore and now you have to be active looking for people of like mind and inviting people. Don't be discouraged when a few people turn you down...not everyone has the same flexibility that you have. But if you try, you'll find people of like mind that will have similar interests and similar inclination to socialize.

OP here. I appreciated reading your story. I do think shared activities are key and we do need to find more of those. However, when we have tried this in the past (volunteering, meetup, etc.) I found that I rarely saw the same people at the next event. I'd go to a meetup and have a nice time, but not really click with anyone, and then the next time it would be all new people, and the next time would be all new people again. Hard to meet people unless you're seeing them regularly. I did join a book club for 2 years, and enjoyed it, and socialized with the other women casually, and made a few acquaintances, but no real friendships from that. I'll have to think harder about how I can find more regular activities to meet people. DH and I recently joined a new social group, and I have taken the role of organizing events through that, so we'll see how that goes.

[Anonymous]

It might actually just be you. I know that sounds mean but the fact that you couldn't make any friends in DC surprises me. DC is actually full of transient people who make friends quite quickly.

[Anonymous]

We are dinks in burbs. We have friends from work, neighborhood and from joining a gym. Easy to start talking to people in an activity. Instead of meetup, while a great place to meet people, try something less transient or less random. Look around neighborhood for an activity or find a club, group that you are interested in and join it. We joined an mma gym. Health and fitness, like minded people.... ready made group to find friends in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many (most?) childless people in this area pick up lite friends through the shared interest of their job.

What profession are you and your husband in that every single other coworker is 62 but you are 32?

Well, not all our co-workers are in their 50s and 60s but most are. The rest live in the city so it would be very difficult to get together. Also, none of our co-workers have expressed any interest in getting together outside of work. This puzzles me, because when we lived in other cities, our co-workers were much more social and interested in getting together outside of work. Neither of our workplaces have any happy hours, get togethers, holiday parties, etc. Both of us have let our co-workers know that we are new to the area and don't have any ties here, but no one has suggested getting together. Our workplaces seem to have an unspoken "co-workers are not your friends" rule.

Where do you live? Because I find this to be a lame excuse.

[Anonymous]

OP - what are you calling suburbs? For some reason it seems like you live in exurbs instead. There are a lot of young couples in the close in suburbs. Almost no one is local in DC or close in suburbs.

Do you participate in any sport? Join a ruining or biking group. There are many opportunities.