How to soften a kid's hard edge? Or... how to help make a child kinder?

[Anonymous]

Ok. I would love to get some thoughts and opinions about something that has been on my mind.

I think that people are generally “hard-wired,” but our job as parents it to help them flourish given their particular attributes and characteristics. We also, ultimately, want to help them become contributing members of society and, ideally, someone that we as an adult would like to spend time with.

I have a 5 yo daughter who is the apple of my eye. She is sweet and compassionate at times, and then at other times she has a definite edge to her. She is always very intense and enthusiastic. This is very different from me at that age. I was more mellow, easy-going, and consistently kind. I was also less alert and energetic, and frankly, I think a less intelligent. My husband has a very high IQ, and I suspect our daughter got those freakishly smart genes from him.

I don’t want to change my daughter into me as a 5 yo (nor do I think I could), but I would like to help her soften the edge a bit, perhaps reel in the bossiness, sarcasm, and causticity (none of which displays too much around me, but I do see it from a distance with other kids). I think that ultimately, it will help her to have more friends and be a more content person.

Other than praising the kindness and discouraging the bossiness etc., what can be done? Has anyone ever been able to help soften their kids up a bit? Any thoughts on this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. I would love to get some thoughts and opinions about something that has been on my mind.

I think that people are generally “hard-wired,” but our job as parents it to help them flourish given their particular attributes and characteristics. We also, ultimately, want to help them become contributing members of society and, ideally, someone that we as an adult would like to spend time with.

I have a 5 yo daughter who is the apple of my eye. She is sweet and compassionate at times, and then at other times she has a definite edge to her. She is always very intense and enthusiastic. This is very different from me at that age. I was more mellow, easy-going, and consistently kind. I was also less alert and energetic, and frankly, I think a less intelligent. My husband has a very high IQ, and I suspect our daughter got those freakishly smart genes from him.

I don’t want to change my daughter into me as a 5 yo (nor do I think I could), but I would like to help her soften the edge a bit, perhaps reel in the bossiness, sarcasm, and causticity (none of which displays too much around me, but I do see it from a distance with other kids). I think that ultimately, it will help her to have more friends and be a more content person.

Other than praising the kindness and discouraging the bossiness etc., what can be done? Has anyone ever been able to help soften their kids up a bit? Any thoughts on this?

I don't have any advice but I have a problem along similar lines with my 5 year old son. He can be very bossy and controlling, with me and other kids. He also brags a lot. He is genuinely clueless as to their unattractive qualities. I want to stop this kind of behavior without squashing his self esteem but I'm not sure how, either. I just checked "Your 5 year old" out of the library to see if this was par for the age, but so far haven't had a chance to read (any of it). I'd like to hear what other moms of 5's have to say.

[Anonymous]

Small thing, but I am a big fan of this book:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Friend-Friends-Families/dp/0316111538/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222795313&sr=1-1

[Anonymous]

We talk a lot about feeling and not hurting others. If my son says something nasty, I don't just say, that's not nice. I pull him aside, make him LOOK at my face, and tell him that what he just said was hurtful and not nice. I walk a thin line because sometimes I feel like I might make him always feel guilty. I don't want that to be an unintended concequence to my parenting style.

I tend to feel guilty about EVERYTHING and I'm very sensitive to it. My dad used to always say, that he could be dead tomorrow and that I would not want that haging over my head. I still feel terribly guilty all the time, even if I get in a fight with someone and I'm clearly correct, I'm always afraid to go to bed mad and am always forgiving ppl who don't deserve it! I certainly will NEVER use my dad's technique with my children!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small thing, but I am a big fan of this book:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Friend-Friends-Families/dp/0316111538/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222795313&sr=1-1

OP here - Too funny. I actually bought this book a couple of months ago and we definitely read it a fair amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We talk a lot about feeling and not hurting others. If my son says something nasty, I don't just say, that's not nice. I pull him aside, make him LOOK at my face, and tell him that what he just said was hurtful and not nice. I walk a thin line because sometimes I feel like I might make him always feel guilty. I don't want that to be an unintended concequence to my parenting style.

I tend to feel guilty about EVERYTHING and I'm very sensitive to it. My dad used to always say, that he could be dead tomorrow and that I would not want that haging over my head. I still feel terribly guilty all the time, even if I get in a fight with someone and I'm clearly correct, I'm always afraid to go to bed mad and am always forgiving ppl who don't deserve it! I certainly will NEVER use my dad's technique with my children!!!

The thing with my DS is that he doesn't understand WHY it's not nice to tell someone exactly how to play or to say "I'm really good at this." And I am not sure how to explain why, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We talk a lot about feeling and not hurting others. If my son says something nasty, I don't just say, that's not nice. I pull him aside, make him LOOK at my face, and tell him that what he just said was hurtful and not nice. I walk a thin line because sometimes I feel like I might make him always feel guilty. I don't want that to be an unintended concequence to my parenting style.

I tend to feel guilty about EVERYTHING and I'm very sensitive to it. My dad used to always say, that he could be dead tomorrow and that I would not want that haging over my head. I still feel terribly guilty all the time, even if I get in a fight with someone and I'm clearly correct, I'm always afraid to go to bed mad and am always forgiving ppl who don't deserve it! I certainly will NEVER use my dad's technique with my children!!!

The thing with my DS is that he doesn't understand WHY it's not nice to tell someone exactly how to play or to say "I'm really good at this." And I am not sure how to explain why, either.

Sorry, I forgot for a second that I wasn't the OP....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We talk a lot about feeling and not hurting others. If my son says something nasty, I don't just say, that's not nice. I pull him aside, make him LOOK at my face, and tell him that what he just said was hurtful and not nice. I walk a thin line because sometimes I feel like I might make him always feel guilty. I don't want that to be an unintended concequence to my parenting style.

I tend to feel guilty about EVERYTHING and I'm very sensitive to it. My dad used to always say, that he could be dead tomorrow and that I would not want that haging over my head. I still feel terribly guilty all the time, even if I get in a fight with someone and I'm clearly correct, I'm always afraid to go to bed mad and am always forgiving ppl who don't deserve it! I certainly will NEVER use my dad's technique with my children!!!

The thing with my DS is that he doesn't understand WHY it's not nice to tell someone exactly how to play or to say "I'm really good at this." And I am not sure how to explain why, either.

I just keep it simple. The answer is always "because it hurts their feelings." and explain that you don't want to make people hurt inside their heart.

It does hurt kids feeling when one is bossy or boastful. It hurts their confidence and self worth. It makes ppl feel crummy and ultimatly telling them that it hurts their feelings is a way so uncomplicate a complicated emotion.

[Anonymous]

Model the behavior you want to see in your daughter. Simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Disagree. If two individuals have vastly different personalities, as OP said she and her daughter do, then it's not that simple.

Op needs to be more active than that. Modeling is a good start, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Model the behavior you want to see in your daughter. Simple as that.

OP here. I wish it was as simple as modeling. Believe me, my husband treat each other and others with a lot of consideration and respect. As I explained, my daughter and I have very different personalities and have since birth. This edge that I refer to is one that I really don't think I have (or ever had). And when I talk to my mother (who also adores my daughter and is a psychologist / social worker), she agrees.

Thanks to the PPs for all the suggestions. I think that perhaps I will step up my interventions with her when I see her behaving in a non-kind way... walking the fine line between correcting / guiding and micromanaging. Any other suggestions are very welcome!

[Anonymous]

One other thought, OP - A step beyond simply modeling behavior -- I've found that sort of "role playing" with my preschooler helps a lot. Nothing formal...but we find that when my husband and I and him are all talking, it's helpful sometimes for the third parent to actually tell him what to say to the parent who asked him a question and what he might want to say next. I'm not suggesting telling him what to say every minute of the day, but I do believe it's made him a more polite kid who understands how to communicate with others in a constructive way.

This goes for both day to day conversation at times, and also during "play" time which helps in particular with other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One other thought, OP - A step beyond simply modeling behavior -- I've found that sort of "role playing" with my preschooler helps a lot. Nothing formal...but we find that when my husband and I and him are all talking, it's helpful sometimes for the third parent to actually tell him what to say to the parent who asked him a question and what he might want to say next. I'm not suggesting telling him what to say every minute of the day, but I do believe it's made him a more polite kid who understands how to communicate with others in a constructive way.

This goes for both day to day conversation at times, and also during "play" time which helps in particular with other kids.

OP here. Role playing is a great suggestion! And that leads me to another idea. My daughter loves playing with dolls, so I could even act out situations with her and her dolls. Some where the dolls get their "feelings" hurt and some where the dolls behave really nicely to each other. Thanks for such a constructive suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One other thought, OP - A step beyond simply modeling behavior -- I've found that sort of "role playing" with my preschooler helps a lot. Nothing formal...but we find that when my husband and I and him are all talking, it's helpful sometimes for the third parent to actually tell him what to say to the parent who asked him a question and what he might want to say next. I'm not suggesting telling him what to say every minute of the day, but I do believe it's made him a more polite kid who understands how to communicate with others in a constructive way.

This goes for both day to day conversation at times, and also during "play" time which helps in particular with other kids.

OP here. Role playing is a great suggestion! And that leads me to another idea. My daughter loves playing with dolls, so I could even act out situations with her and her dolls. Some where the dolls get their "feelings" hurt and some where the dolls behave really nicely to each other. Thanks for such a constructive suggestion.

OP again. Just wanted to say that we have been doing "role playing" with dolls and it has been a huge success! Thanks again for the suggestion.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your child first born? I have a first born, intense, smart, amazing little girl (almost 5), but it is hard.

I went to parenting classes and learned some stuff...the first thing was to STOP ALL LECTURES. Modeling, role playing, playing non-competitive games, stopped ALL praise (only encouragement, very hard for me to do) and the number one thing I changed was giving her legitimate power in the form of jobs and tasks in the house. She plans a dinner every week and helps make it. She is in charge of setting the table, clearing her plate, helping with dishes, etc. She does her laundry, she cleans her room and toys. In return, she feels accomplished and 'big'. It isn't smooth every day, but she owns a good bit of her life and she gets a say in the family. She doesn't rule the roost and there are many a day where she needs to spend some time in another room until she ready to rejoin the family in a positive way, but she OWNS her decisions and the outcomes. My goal was to NOT become the punisher and the rewarder. I want her to learn the value of work and true joy and true hurt. It is working, bit by bit! I did not want to squash her creativity and tough spirit, but she was TAKING the house hostage with demands, tantrums, and stubbornness.

I will say this...when things are at the worst in our house is when she needs the MOST attention from either DH or myself. Quiet coloring, going for a walk, reading, cuddling. It is the hardest to do b/c I want to ring her neck, but her misbehavior is a cry out for more love and attention. Ahhhh, parenting....