Mother/Daughter Relationships

[Anonymous]

I am in my mid 50's and need some advice from younger people.
My daughter is married, no kids. She has totally blown off her family but is close to her in-laws.
In retrospect, this behavior started when she started dating this young man and has escalated. In terms of full disclosure, we were not crazy about her husband in the beginning. In the beginning, he made no effort to get to know us....we put in all the effort. Over time, we warmed up to him, but it seemed we were just an inconvenience to him. At their wedding he gave us a beautiful thank you, told us he loved us....we were so hopeful!
My daughter has considered us as "very close". I am not sure that was ever so. I feel like I have been used by her to get what she wants and has put me in the rear view mirror. As a side, her husband is in a dead end job and makes very little money.
I understand that every family has a "dance". One of the qualities in his family is that everyone gets the same amount. For instance, his parents bought on of their kids a couch, so they wrote a check to all the other kids for the amount they spent on the couch. This is a practice we have never done in our home. If I were to do the math, our daughter has been given a great deal more than the other kids. She is now keeping track.....projecting that my sons future will get this and that.
Right now, we are not speaking. Her behavior is very hurtful to me and she claims I have a problem with everything and everyone. When I tried to approach the subject with her, she went for the jugular. We cannot talk about it. She sends me emails that are flowey and mushbased I see them as fake. I am the one who asked her to give me space.
Obviously, she is very spoiled. FWIW: She was a difficult child to raise.
Here are my concerns:
That I will never see my grandchildren. (She only comes to see us when she is doing something with someone else).
Her resentment of my other kids will polarize her from her siblings. (The thought of this sickens me!)

Do you think she will grow out of this?
Do you think she will ever miss us and reconnect in a respectful way?
If you blew off your parents, why?

I don't understand any of this. My parents were jerks and we treated them with respect. If we didn't, we were literally kicked around. I know I was too soft. I was very "understanding" when she was growing up.

Please help me with gentle advice. I know I will get some virile responses.

[Anonymous]

As a parent I cannot imagine ever asking an adult child to give me space but I'm not in your shoes. If you want a relationship with grandchildren, pushing your daughter away is not the way to go about it. If she is resentful of her siblings it's likely because she feels you give/gave them more love. So asking for space will only reinforce those feelings for her. You should stop with the emails and have a heart to heart meeting in person. Cry it out if you need to but let her talk uninterrupted. Don't make excuses or have retorts for everything. You may not have intended for things to turn out the way they did but I'm sure her feelings are very real and need to be validated even if you don't agree internally. Were you affectionate to her growing up? Did you tell her you lover her often? Letting her have her way or buying her things is not the same.

[Anonymous]

OP, you ask some good questions, and you deserve good answers. A therapist would provide those answers, once you provide more background about yourself and your family dynamics. An anonymous forum is helpful for many types of issues, but it isn't structured to provide you with the kind of insights you need and deserve regarding your issue. Regardless of what you decide to do, good luck. I hope things work out well for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

It is hard to evaluate a long term relationship like this by yourself. You are to close. You need a third part. See a therapist. It sounds like you have been favoring one kid over the other and did not approve of her choice of a husband. She rightly choose her husband.

[Anonymous]

Here are my concerns:
That I will never see my grandchildren. (She only comes to see us when she is doing something with someone else).
Her resentment of my other kids will polarize her from her siblings. (The thought of this sickens me!)

Do you think she will grow out of this?
Do you think she will ever miss us and reconnect in a respectful way?
If you blew off your parents, why?

Do you even HAVE grandchildren? Stop worrying about problems that don't exist. If you do have grandchildren, well, when do you go to her? A relationship goes both ways, you know?
Your daughter is a married adult. Her relationship with her siblings is for her to work out, not you. By you getting involved, you will think you're helping but you won't really be. Perhaps she needs to feel the reprecussions of her actions, hmmm?

We have no way of knowing if she'll grow out of "this." We don't even know what this is.
No, she won't miss you until/unless she needs you. Sorry, that probably made you cry. But it's true. You want respect. What do you consider respect? For her to come visit you without also having someone else with her? Sorry, but that's standing on ceremony. Perhaps she uses the other person as a buffer so she won't have to be alone with you. Maybe she's sitting in her house asking her friend if they think you will ever respect HER as a married adult woman. Maybe she views you as being jealous of her love for her in-laws.

Yes, I blew off my parents. Because they treat our family like a cult, and I didn't want to be a cult member anymore. "Nobody will ever love you as much as we do. Nobody will ever help you like we will." My mother finds fault with all my friends and wants me to not be friends with them, so I'll be so desperate for friendship that I'll be her friend. I talk to them once or twice a month and things stay very superficial.

[Anonymous]

You are the mom. Be the bigger person. This is your daughter and while she doesn't sound perfect, your post seems really immature and tit-for-tit.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may be the problem, at least partly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you may be the problem, at least partly.

This. As a daughter who has a bad mom, I can imagine her writing *some* of the things in your post. My mom is narcissistic and is unable to look objectively at our relationship, and she thinks that she has been a great parent to me while I have neglected her. In reality, she's been emotionally and verbally abusive, and I can't talk to her because I need to keep myself safe.

I am not saying that you mistreated your daughter, or that my experience is similar to yours, just that the part about not being objective may apply to your relationship with your daughter as well. In my experience, the harder my mom pushed, the harder I pushed away.

[Anonymous]

Can you give specific examples? You say some terrible things about her but you give no evidence. She is spoiled, she was difficult etc etc.

Apart from vague insinuations, what has she actually done?

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thanks for all responses. I never in a million years thought I would be in this place. My husband says to just forget about her. I have been in such a deep depression about this.
Even if I was a hooker, my kids should respect me.

[Anonymous]

I think I can help, at least a bit,

I am in my mid 30's, married and with children. I keep my mom at a distance and over the past few years have instilled more and more boundaries.

My parents always rushed in to help me-financially..or with school as a kid, or with projects, etc. In some ways this was great, however I never really grew up. They never really let me figure things out on my own and it made them very anxious to see me fail in any way. My mother is emotionally distant, somewhat narcissistic, and able to show empathy. When she is angry with me, which is frequently, she pulls my sister into the arguments to fuel her side. my sister does this agreeably.

I've stepped out because I don't want to be a part of it anymore. My husband is for the most part friendly and respectful to my parents but does not see the need to be close to them, especially given my feelings.

I feel closer to my mom when she is able to recognize her part in the problem, this is rare if non-existent.

Your story sounded somewhat familiar to mine so I thought I would share a bit. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

13:33 here, meant to say my mother is NOT able to show empathy.

[Anonymous]

Daughter here whose relationship with mother is not ideal. Start looking at what YOU are doing to contribute to the problem. Right now, it seems to be all your daughter's fault. With this attitude, it's no wonder she is pushing you away. Develop some insight and empathy and you may be able to have the relationship you desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks for all responses. I never in a million years thought I would be in this place. My husband says to just forget about her. I have been in such a deep depression about this.
Even if I was a hooker, my kids should respect me.

And what kind of man tells a mother to forget about her daughter? Your husband sounds like a Neanderthal! Perhaps you should direct your anger towards him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you may be the problem, at least partly.

This. As a daughter who has a bad mom, I can imagine her writing *some* of the things in your post. My mom is narcissistic and is unable to look objectively at our relationship, and she thinks that she has been a great parent to me while I have neglected her. In reality, she's been emotionally and verbally abusive, and I can't talk to her because I need to keep myself safe.

I am not saying that you mistreated your daughter, or that my experience is similar to yours, just that the part about not being objective may apply to your relationship with your daughter as well. In my experience, the harder my mom pushed, the harder I pushed away.

Hey, I'm the PP you quoted and I also have a narcissistic mom. I can also see my mom writing something like the OP did.

Not saying you're a narcissist or that you're definitely the problem, OP, but it's possible that your daughter's attitude towards you stems from a legitimate problem.