Angry at sibling for abdicating her role

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She insisted that mom live near her. Mom could have moved near me instead. Then she dumped mom when life got hard.

Oh, honey. Come back and tell us that with a straight face when you've looked after your mother for 5 years. You don't get to complain about your sister until then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted about this a while ago. My mother chose a CCRC near Sister 1 about 5 years ago. Three miles away from her. It was the best option available at the time. Apparently she put down $175k. Two+ years later she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

Sister 2 and I each live at least 1.5 hours away. Well, S1 decided last fall to move 800 miles away for no apparent reason. They didn’t have jobs, the schools there are worse, etc. Nothing about it makes sense. It’s possible S1 was tired of taking care of mom, but she only ever asked us for help at the very last minute. We all have kids 13 & under, jobs, etc. so it was impossible to drop everything for a day trip just to run mom to a doctor appt unless we had notice well in advance.

S1 moved in the last month and all hell broke loose. Mom fell, is in the nursing unit and now we have to move her again into assisted living. I spent 4 hours in the rain and horrible beltway traffic last weekend going up there. Everything about the trip was miserable.

Oh and did I mention that when S1 told us she was moving, she essentially dropped everything having to do with mom?

I am livid with my sister for just dumping this on us for no reason. It would have been easier to accept if she had even bothered to acknowledge what a massive burden she was dumping on us that is logistically a nightmare. Or if there had even been a job relocation. We have already looked into moving mom, but she can’t afford to move. Her deposit has fully amortized. So we (S2 and I) are screwed.

Mom is confused often, and depressed. I probably had the most distant relationship with her of the three of us and I have little desire to visit more than once a quarter, though I do try to call every other week.

AITA for wanting to b14ch out my sister? I am so angry.

Sorry OP, i understand why you are angry, but YATA. My mom had the exact same story play out with my aunt. My aunt took care of grandma for years due to physically proximity. My mom contributed nothing. Yet when my aunt has enough and passed the baton, she reacted pretty much the way you did. She is also a complete narcissist who has few functional relationships in life.

The mean crowds of DCUM is rarely this unanimous about anything. Be grateful that your sister already gave you as long of a break as you had, and get into problem solving mode on how you can make this manageable going forward.

[Anonymous]

I dream of moving just a bit further away than the next nearest sibling frequently. You have been inconvenienced a few times. The impact on her family has been HUGE. Move Mom near to you and your family will begin to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She insisted that mom live near her. Mom could have moved near me instead. Then she dumped mom when life got hard.

This right here sums up why you are indeed an awful person. You sister did almost everything for your mom for FIVE years while you did almost nothing. Your mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s THREE years ago. Did you step up to help in anyway, did you go frequently, gets calls from the facility, go shopping for her on a regular basis, take her to dr. Appts? . Of course not.

So glad your sister moved so you can see how hard it is. Instead of thanking your sister for the five years she took care of your mom and was the primary point person you want to yell at het. That is pretty much the definition of an ingrate.

[Anonymous]

You said the place your mother is living was the "best option at the time" -- was there a place near you that was also good?

I've got two siblings who live the same distance from my mom as I do. One claims he'd like to help more, but his schedule just won't allow it. When he does go to see her (under duress or becausehe needs a free place to stay), it's a brief, functional, unsocial visit.

If he ever complains about me, it's felonious assault time. Eff that guy.

[Anonymous]

Hire a case manager to check on your mom, advocate, have people to go to appointment with her while you FaceTime in and visit when you can. Wait till you see how expensive it is to hire someone to do what your sister did for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My favorite part is how you say you are the most distant of the three and prefer to only see her quarterly but S1 should have been delighted being the sole caregiver. You are something else.

Hey now, OP "tries to call" a couple of times a month. Heroic!

[Anonymous]

Some elders don't have S1
or S2 or S3

The facility can arrange "stuff" that needs to get done ...

[Anonymous]

OP,

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Your sister at least cared for your mother for 5 years.

What have YOU done? NOTHING EXCEPT COMPLAIN!

Lazy whiner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some elders don't have S1
or S2 or S3

The facility can arrange "stuff" that needs to get done ...

This.

If she is in a facility, won’t they provide for her medical care? If no, then you need a new facility.

Also as harsh as it is, you don’t want to care of her now , and you are pissed you have to do something to get her above average medical care, maybe you need to just accept accept you are ok with average or slightly below health care and that may not result in longevity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My favorite part is how you say you are the most distant of the three and prefer to only see her quarterly but S1 should have been delighted being the sole caregiver. You are something else.

Hey now, OP "tries to call" a couple of times a month. Heroic!

Exactly.
OP, you say S1 moved away “for no apparent reason”—yet the reason is pretty apparent. She was doing this by herself for 5 years. You say she could have hired help. So why don’t you and your other sister hire help now?

[Anonymous]

WOW, so much to unpack here....being the sole caregiver is akin to being the "patient" that you are caring for...so much confusion, angst, sadness, etc. and typically the caregiver just gets burnt out...yes she could have asked for help but seeing your approach to all of this I can see why she didn't....especially if she's a conflict avoider so she did it ALL until she couldn't and purposefully moved away...not for "no apparent reason" but to force you guys to stand and deliver for your Mom. Obviously S1 felt this was her only option.

Telling her off won't help the situation, but I guess you can to get it off your chest and then immediately move on. For now, pretend she DID ask for help and now it's your turn...you'll have to eat the financial loss and hire help that is needed for your Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having a hard time empathizing with you. Aren't you mad at your sister for not doing what you don't feel like doing even though she's been doing it for years without you? You could move closer to your mom, or you could have helped more but you don't want to. Well, sounds like, neither does she.

100% agree. It’s your turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually can’t move closer because of my DH’s job.

She could have asked for help or we could have hired it.

So this is what you do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually can’t move closer because of my DH’s job.

She could have asked for help or we could have hired it.

So this is what you do now.

This. Seems like the obvious solution.

Also, I am going to speculate that S1 *did* ask for help, and it wasn't forthcoming. OP doesn't seem particularly eager to provide help for her mother, and would be less likely to do so when there's a sibling nearby who could do it much more conveniently. And the fact that OP didn't hire help now suggests that she wouldn't have been eager to do so previously.