Is it too late for me to ever feel taken care of?

[Anonymous]

My mother sounds like you, OP. Never cared for by her parents and expected to be self-sufficient at a young age. She married my father for his stability and competence but he would probably have been diagnosed with Aspergers if there had been such a thing when he was growing up. It all came to a head in midlife and she clung onto us, her four children, to give her the love and caretaking she never got from the other adults in her life. It was unhealthy and you should look up family or mother enmeshment for information. More therapy and making connections with other adults your age are the best options since you don’t want to divorce your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you ever had the opportunity to take care of someone else? It is rewarding and it helps a person shed the need to be the cared for person.

She is the caretaker for her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let it go. At fifty this is weird. Are you going to carry this with you into your 80s? Read the Bhagavad Gita and learn to accept and move on.

As$hole. No.

How old are your children? It is not unfitting for one or more of them to take this nurturing role toward you as they enter adulthood. It might be something to talk about with your husband and them at the appropriate age.

I've had extended family who doted on and cared for their very appreciative mothers and it is a beautiful thing to see.

NO! You do not dump your crap on your children. They deserve to live their lives and not carry your guilt around, as evidence just read some of the disasters that are adults on these boards. Most of them work very hard to shield their children from childhood memories that aren't pleasant and they CHOOSE to move forward in a positive light for their own mental health. Op is tuck in self pity mode and has clearly chosen to be this way for her entire adult life. Poor pitiful me, no one pays enough attention to me. I think it's great Op had therapy but if this is where you are at age 40 or 50, find a new therapist. Op's husband clearly walks on eggshells which is why he chooses not to be too emotional around OP but he did marry her so there's love in that marriage. Op needs to choose better with how she sees herself and stop asking others to fix her.

OP here and this is completely inaccurate, which you would know if you'd read my posts. I told PPs specifically that because I know what it's like to have my parents lean on me for all their emotional needs as a child, I am very careful not to do the same thing to my own kids and to be a source of stability and care for them and not ask them to do it for me.

Your response is rude and shows you failed to actually read my posts, plus you are clearly projecting a bunch of your own issues onto my situation as you have absolutely no idea what my husband is like or what he thinks. Your are just speculating wildly.

Have a good day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you ever had the opportunity to take care of someone else? It is rewarding and it helps a person shed the need to be the cared for person.

I am a mother of two children and take care of them every day, yes. I also spent years caring for my parents. I also volunteered with kids for many years, coaching at a camp and providing reading tutoring.

I think caring for others can be healing but no I do not think it replaces the need to feel cared for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother sounds like you, OP. Never cared for by her parents and expected to be self-sufficient at a young age. She married my father for his stability and competence but he would probably have been diagnosed with Aspergers if there had been such a thing when he was growing up. It all came to a head in midlife and she clung onto us, her four children, to give her the love and caretaking she never got from the other adults in her life. It was unhealthy and you should look up family or mother enmeshment for information. More therapy and making connections with other adults your age are the best options since you don’t want to divorce your husband.

OP here. I am very familiar with enmeshment and the problems that arise from parents becoming emotionally dependent on their kids. This is the story of my childhood.

I do not think my husband is on the spectrum. He's just the silent type. He has many good qualities and is a good father and we have a good relationship. But he does not fill this particular need, which I think not everyone has because not everyone has the same history of abuse/neglect that I do. I have no interest in divorcing him -- creating a stable, functional family is the greatest accomplishment of my life.

[Anonymous]

I feel you OP. I have always craved a mother figure who can love me unconditionally and offer guidance on life (my mother was very neglectful and emotionally stunted). I now bring comfort to myself, I realized I don't need a loving mother to turn to, I turn to myself. And to nature. I take such glory in a nice breezy day.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP, and I’m also searching. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would recommend you give yourself time away from your family to attend a wellness spa like Miraval in Arizona. You will be pampered and cared for there, plus learn more about yourself in a beautiful and restorative setting.

[Anonymous]

Yes. No one is going to treat you like a child. I'm very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am mid-40s and had a dysfunctional, abusive childhood. My parents also come from dysfunctional, abusive homes and they are what therapists call emotionally immature. I have forgiven them for my childhood. It was what it was.

The upshot is that no one really took care of me when I was young. I had to figure stuff out for myself and look after myself. I got so good at it that as an adult, I was suspicious of people who were very caring and kind. I married a good man but he iss stoic an unemotive. He is a good partner but is not tender and does not caretake with me or the kids. I am the caretaker in my family and I think I'm pretty good at it-- I just give my kids the stuff I know I missed out on and it seems to work well.

I've also been in therapy fory childhood and I have found ways to care for myself and extend kindness to myself. They call it reparenting. I do think it's important and I do that, though it is different than being cared for by someone else.

But as I approach 50, I find myself thinking about how I've never really felt taken care of, and how this still impacts me. I think it would be good for me to feel cared for in this way, even if only for a time.

Is there a way to feel truly cared for, at my age? Is think I'm going to get a lot of suggestions to go to a spa but I've done that and it's not the same. I am looking for a kind of emotional support, not physical care.

Is this a lost cause? Do I just need to let it go?

OP, I think it’s so wise and great that you are aware of this unmet need. Please listen to your inner voice, honor it, and care for yourself. You are the one you’ve been waiting for ❤️

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 70s and have been taking care of myself and everyone else since the age of 20. I figure this must have been my life's purpose, to learn how to care for myself and others.

[Anonymous]

I get what you are saying, OP.
You never thought you are ever on the receiving end of love. Kind of like self sufficient in many ways.

Were you ever a giver in your eyes? Giver tends to be givers in life. Receivers tend to be receivers and some demand for it (but that's another topic).
Do any of the giving give you pleasure? Are you ever happy even for a slight few moments when you give or do something for someone else?

That's what you might have to focus on. Thinking outward. Someone out there appreciate you but may not know how to show it.

[Anonymous]

OP. you are not alone. I have never felt it either.

I knew since I was 18 that I had "raised myself." I have never given my parents any credit as they do not deserve any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. you are not alone. I have never felt it either.

I knew since I was 18 that I had "raised myself." I have never given my parents any credit as they do not deserve any.

OP again. Yes, same. I first started seeing a therapist in my 20s because I was struggling with my career and love life. When my childhood first came up, I just laughed and said "oh I just raised myself" and moved on with the conversation. My therapist was like, "hmm, let's revisit that." I used to have these stories I'd tell as a joke, about teaching myself to cook using cookbooks at the library or figuring out how to sign myself up for an art class through the rec center by going down to the parks and rec office myself after school. These were stories about me being a quirky, independent, weird kid. The unspoken part of the story was that I was spending as little time at home as possible because I didn't want to be around the yelling and fighting, and the reason I did this stuff myself was because no one else would. It took me a long time to let go of that version of the story and acknowledge that these were actually stories of a sad childhood. But I also realized that I was never going to be able to fix the stuff in my adult life until I accepted what had actually happened in my childhood. The only reason I have a functional marriage and family life is because I finally stopped romanticizing the abusive childhood I experienced.

[Anonymous]

Well, they were stories of a sad childhood but also of an independent, resilient kid who made the absolute best of things, in a healthy way. Both things can be true - the sad story and the romanticized version too, because look what you did. You were the hero.