Dealing with Bipolar sister

[Anonymous]

Wait, op, why did you take the bait about your boyfriend? What she said wasn’t nice, and I can see defending him if he was there, but you knew she was off her meds, and he wasn’t there. You were several states away and yet you couldn’t say “what? I can’t hear you for some reason, the phone sucks today, let’s talk later”.
Normally I’d be on your side, but you want a relationship with your sister and your nephews and if you want a relationship with the nephews, you have to keep mom happy. I can’t understand why you didn’t ignore the comment, and while you don’t believe it, I do have some experience with this. You need to decide what’s important, if it’s your sister, fine, ignore the nonsense. If it’s the boyfriend, fine, though again you know your sister is a nut, so why argue. Do you think she may just be onto something?
You can also decide you’re just done or that you don’t need or want to talk to her everyday. Whatever is or isn’t going on, she lives several states away and nobody is forced to live anyplace they don’t want to live, not anymore. Why not spend your sister talk time focusing on your family or at least people and activities that are local to you?
I also think you have a problem with boundaries, as another person said “you don’t just stop by when someone is mad at you”. I can’t understand why you’d think that was a good idea. Your sister may be lots of things but you aren’t too nice either, taking the bait over something that you are apparently happy with (he’s still your boyfriend right?), thinking you could and would only stop by if she just lived closer and then trying to be in touch with her kids and worse yet, getting your own kids to “check in” on their cousins. For Pete’s sake, at least leave your own kids out of it, or better yet, explain their aunt, how it impacts her children and how it impacts them. Maybe not the happiest of conversations but that’s part of being a mom. As a friend of mine says “If adult stuff didn’t happen around kids, I’d never have to think about explaining adult issues to them” It’s worth remembering. An adult issue is impacting them, largely because of your actions, now you need to explain it. If only you’d let the comment about the boyfriend go, op.
Lest people think I’m letting the mentally ill person just say whatever, I kind of am. It to me wasn’t worth a fight yet op chose to engage. OP could have also spun this in her own head anyway “Hey, my sister is really saying I’m so good-looking gay men want me”. Could you not have reframed this op since having your sister in your life is what you want? The beauty of this is nobody has to know what you do with a comment someone makes to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of an adult child with bipolar disorder here: does your sister have a partner in the picture? How old are your nephews?

I would be more concerned about their safety, including your sister’s.

Those poor kids. I have no doubt your unmedicated sister is hell on wheels. She's likely constantly attacking and terrorizing them, and subjecting them to wild rages. If you haven't figured it out already, they need other family members' support. It will make all the difference in the world to them.

[Anonymous]

I’d consider it a blessing in disguise. If you, the aunt, were talking to her kids 2 times a week you’d have to be offering similar access to your sister with your child. Would you really want an in medicated bipolar sister talking to your kid on the phone that often saying who knows what? Let her back off and be thankful. Hopefully there’s a husband or dad or grandparents in the lives of her kids to fall back on too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Wait, op, why did you take the bait about your boyfriend? What she said wasn’t nice, and I can see defending him if he was there, but you knew she was off her meds, and he wasn’t there. You were several states away and yet you couldn’t say “what? I can’t hear you for some reason, the phone sucks today, let’s talk later”.
Normally I’d be on your side, but you want a relationship with your sister and your nephews and if you want a relationship with the nephews, you have to keep mom happy. I can’t understand why you didn’t ignore the comment, and while you don’t believe it, I do have some experience with this. You need to decide what’s important, if it’s your sister, fine, ignore the nonsense. If it’s the boyfriend, fine, though again you know your sister is a nut, so why argue. Do you think she may just be onto something?
You can also decide you’re just done or that you don’t need or want to talk to her everyday. Whatever is or isn’t going on, she lives several states away and nobody is forced to live anyplace they don’t want to live, not anymore. Why not spend your sister talk time focusing on your family or at least people and activities that are local to you?
I also think you have a problem with boundaries, as another person said “you don’t just stop by when someone is mad at you”. I can’t understand why you’d think that was a good idea. Your sister may be lots of things but you aren’t too nice either, taking the bait over something that you are apparently happy with (he’s still your boyfriend right?), thinking you could and would only stop by if she just lived closer and then trying to be in touch with her kids and worse yet, getting your own kids to “check in” on their cousins. For Pete’s sake, at least leave your own kids out of it, or better yet, explain their aunt, how it impacts her children and how it impacts them. Maybe not the happiest of conversations but that’s part of being a mom. As a friend of mine says “If adult stuff didn’t happen around kids, I’d never have to think about explaining adult issues to them” It’s worth remembering. An adult issue is impacting them, largely because of your actions, now you need to explain it. If only you’d let the comment about the boyfriend go, op.
Lest people think I’m letting the mentally ill person just say whatever, I kind of am. It to me wasn’t worth a fight yet op chose to engage. OP could have also spun this in her own head anyway “Hey, my sister is really saying I’m so good-looking gay men want me”. Could you not have reframed this op since having your sister in your life is what you want? The beauty of this is nobody has to know what you do with a comment someone makes to you.

OP here. Thank you for your perspective. I think you make a good point.

From my end dealing with my sisters illness is at times exhausting. it has had a major impact on my life including aiding in the destruction of my first marriage. As a result of this I think I was particularly sensitive about partner criticism, because it was something I tolerated in the past that led to some really bad outcomes. I have a lot of regrets about allowing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d consider it a blessing in disguise. If you, the aunt, were talking to her kids 2 times a week you’d have to be offering similar access to your sister with your child. Would you really want an in medicated bipolar sister talking to your kid on the phone that often saying who knows what? Let her back off and be thankful. Hopefully there’s a husband or dad or grandparents in the lives of her kids to fall back on too.

OP here. She has a partner who she is very verbally abusive towards when not medicated. Other than that she has cut off the rest of my family for about a decade. I was the only family member her kids had access to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I absolutely did not do anything inappropriate to my sister to cause her to stop talking to me. She didn’t stop talking to me because I said something she didn’t like. She stopped talking to me because I took space after she said mean things about my boyfriend.

When she is unmedicated she is extremely crass and has no filter. She thinks it’s ok to say anything and the other person should just take it. I know better after years of this than to try and argue with her. But the situation is still hurtful when she says negative things so I needed a breather. When she is in these places any indication that another is bothered by her behavior sends her off the deep end. I’m just not sure how to manage this. Taki my a brief step back was the most peaceful thing I could think of.

I will continue to try and reach out to my nephews and hope they will take my calls.

If the nephews don't return your calls or won't speak when they answer, you need to consider that a boundary and respect it. You seem to be showing your own black and white rigid thinking. Your sister is bad and you are the good one and the savior and your nephews need you. People with mental illness can be good parents. Even if you don't have a good relationship, it doesn't mean she doesn't have healthy relationships with others. You are not some superhero. I would back away. If the nephews reach out to you and want help then definitely help, otherwise maybe consider getting help learning to detach with love and stop inserting yourself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and "Bipolar" is not an adjective that one applies to people. I can see why your sister might not want to talk to someone like you.

You obviously are bipolar!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
People cut off siblings for good reason all the time where the cut-off sibling, due to lack of insight, thinks it was for "no reason." When this scenario takes place with a sibling who has a mental illness, it gives the sibling who is actually at fault all the ammunition in the world to wail away about it like OP. "My sibling cut me off because they have bipolar disorder!!!" Nope, they cut you off because you are a jack@$$.

OP's nieces and nephews have phones and they aren't taking her calls either. She did something. And it probably wasn't "little."

NP. You need to give this up. XDH was diagnosed with bipolar maybe two years ago and isn't taking his meds. He's treating our kids (mid-20s now) horribly, isn't really on speaking terms with one of them, and is absolutely not on speaking terms with the other. I was getting along with him until last month when he suddenly had a temper tantrum over me having much more savings (for the record, in the divorce he got a chunk of my savings but he spent it on ridiculous things, also he's still po'd the judge wouldn't give him any of my inheritance).

For the pp who said bipolar meds are truly awful, could you elaborate? I'm trying to understand why XDH won't take his meds. He's now my kids' problem not mine, but I try to help them out in their interactions with him and this could be useful info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Person with bipolar disorder here.

No one who hasn't taken these meds will understand how awful they are. I do not go off of my meds, but I very much understand the choice of anyone who chooses to do so.

At any rate, your sister's decision not to have anything to do with you likely has nothing to do with bipolar disorder. People don't just stop taking calls from their sister because they have bipolar disorder. You did something. Own up to it.

Actually, as someone who also has a sister with bipolar and likely borderline personality disorder, i can attest that people with bipolar disorder do indeed stop talking to their sister for little or no reason. My sister has done it at least once a year for years on end. She has very little perspective and sometimes the "issues" she is upset about are wholecloth fiction. You may not do this, and if you don't randomly cut off family members you're usually close to, great. But other people with bipolar disorder can and do. Because of their disease, and with little warning.

It's cruel and they are clearly showing they really don't care that much about their sibling. But we're supposed to suck it up because they are bipolar.

Lol. They don't stop speaking for "no reason" -- and your definition of "little" is undoubtedly something your sister would debate.

People cut off siblings for good reason all the time where the cut-off sibling, due to lack of insight, thinks it was for "no reason." When this scenario takes place with a sibling who has a mental illness, it gives the sibling who is actually at fault all the ammunition in the world to wail away about it like OP. "My sibling cut me off because they have bipolar disorder!!!" Nope, they cut you off because you are a jack@$$.

OP's nieces and nephews have phones and they aren't taking her calls either. She did something. And it probably wasn't "little."

NP. You need to give this up. XDH was diagnosed with bipolar maybe two years ago and isn't taking his meds. He's treating our kids (mid-20s now) horribly, isn't really on speaking terms with one of them, and is absolutely not on speaking terms with the other. I was getting along with him until last month when he suddenly had a temper tantrum over me having much more savings (for the record, in the divorce he got a chunk of my savings but he spent it on ridiculous things, also he's still po'd the judge wouldn't give him any of my inheritance).

For the pp who said bipolar meds are truly awful, could you elaborate? I'm trying to understand why XDH won't take his meds. He's now my kids' problem not mine, but I try to help them out in their interactions with him and this could be useful info.