Swearing at Kids

[Anonymous]

It's not the swearing that's the issue in my book. I'd be just as angry if my DH called our kid a moron or a jerk or another name. It's the denigrating that's my issue.

[Anonymous]

Labeling a behavior and labeling a child are very different things.

[Anonymous]

I've never sworn at my "kids" (now 15 and 19) and my parents never swore at me. I think I've heard my father swear once? My mother definitely swore around me as I got older (funny enough, she doesn't do it now), but still, she never swore AT me. I have definitely cursed in front of my teens, but my husband never has. He had a similar upbringing to mine.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. I probably should have chosen a different word than traumatized -- was speaking more in the vernacular. My wife was rightfully quite upset with me. We've both sworn before in front of the kids -- me more frequently -- but never before called a kid a name. Normally we would address only the behavior and escalate only as far as saying something like "you're being stubborn and acting like a jerk" but never name-call. This was a slip-up on my part and I don't intend to repeat.

I was just having a difficult time believing my wife's assertion that most parents don't swear at their kids occasionally. Based on the sample size here, my wife's assertion appears correct. But I'd also caveat that the psychographic profile for the DC area and this forum is fairly homogenous (educated, liberal) and does not make for accurate polling science. That's not to say you're wrong about the swearing, just that we're unlikely to get many people who do it because you all know better.

[Anonymous]

I don’t call my kids names. DH doesn’t either. My parents were abusive. They called us names and cursed at us. DH’s parents were less about cursing and name calling, but his mom would say quit being ugly regularly.

I’ve probably slipped at some point and called my kids a name out of frustration. We’re all human and make mistakes. I think your wife is acting a little too precious considering her own father called her brother a name. You’ve apologized and are working to do better. She needs to let it go, but you also need to stop acting like it’s normal.

As far as your specific question about parents calling their kids names: yes, some parents verbally abuse their children. That’s what you’re comparing yourself to when you suggest it’s not unusual to call your kids names. It’s not a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why kids are so screwed up. Apparently when a kid is an a-hole you can't let them know. Obviously you don't want to be swearing at your kids day and night but c'mon you should call out bad behavior. If my kid does something I'll say that was really stupid. If they have a bad attitude ill tell them you're being a jackass.

But is getting behind on your work and not doing what dad wants when he wants it make the kid the Ahole or the dad?

The dad should have helped the kid identify what went wrong ( too overwhelmed didn't understand the assignment whatever) and the brain storm with the kid what they can do...and then let them handle it.

Assume the kid can make a plan and catch up the work. At a certain age it is no longer the parents' responsability. He has to own it or he will expect others to bail him out.

Do you really believe a person is an ahole if they make mistakes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why kids are so screwed up. Apparently when a kid is an a-hole you can't let them know. Obviously you don't want to be swearing at your kids day and night but c'mon you should call out bad behavior. If my kid does something I'll say that was really stupid. If they have a bad attitude ill tell them you're being a jackass.

Concur.

Way too many spoiled brats in our hioty toity neighborhood.

Some you can’t even give sports tips to - how to hold a bat- they believe they’re being attacked and traumatized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why kids are so screwed up. Apparently when a kid is an a-hole you can't let them know. Obviously you don't want to be swearing at your kids day and night but c'mon you should call out bad behavior. If my kid does something I'll say that was really stupid. If they have a bad attitude ill tell them you're being a jackass.

But is getting behind on your work and not doing what dad wants when he wants it make the kid the Ahole or the dad?

The dad should have helped the kid identify what went wrong ( too overwhelmed didn't understand the assignment whatever) and the brain storm with the kid what they can do...and then let them handle it.

Assume the kid can make a plan and catch up the work. At a certain age it is no longer the parents' responsability. He has to own it or he will expect others to bail him out.

Do you really believe a person is an ahole if they make mistakes?

I believe A-holes exist.

It’s the pattern of A-hole (or whatever) behavior that makes them it.

Nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

I swear a lot, but not AT my kids.

I think tone probably matters here. “I’m trying to help you organize missing assignments and you’re fighting me and being an ass.” doesn’t seem like a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a blue collar father who swore like a sailor. He also constantly reminded me behind my mother’s back that he never wanted children and wanted me to disappear.

My grandmother worked in a male dominated field and also swore although never at me. I just overheard it.

I have to consciously make effort not to swear around my kids. I’m not perfect but I do apologize when I slip up.

I try to focus on the problem behavior- in your case, your kid falling behind with schoolwork- rather than the vacant character assignation that you are describing. It’s only going to alienate your kids from you. Is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

It’s 2024. No most parents don’t swear *at* their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.... if it wasn't clear before, I don't intend to do this again. Everyone was kind of shocked I said it, including me. I was pretty sick that day with a cold and allergies, and had an unusually low tolerance for any BS. But I still knew it was wrong and apologized after.

What I'm really curious about is my wife's assertion that parents just don't swear at their kids. Maybe times have changed and we're weeding out the verbal habits of our parents, like they weeded out the physical punishment they got from their parents.

Good parents swear at their kids sometimes. The harsh reality is that sometimes kids ARE a$$holes. We all think it and try to keep it to ourselves, but every once in awhile a parent lets the truth slip.

[Anonymous]

My mom called me the b word in 3rd grade. Hopefully your wife recovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this really reads like a troll, with words like "traumatized"

And talking about "mentoring" his kid.

I've gotten mad at my kids, and I've yelled on occasion, but I've never sworn at them. I may have gotten extra expressive in explaining why I'm bothered ("That was kind of a dick move, though"), but I don't sweat at them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t swear AT my kids, I swear NEAR my kids.