Decision time: balancing concern for the kids with managing an overly controlling and critical partner

[Anonymous]

Do you have a job or income or are you entirely financially dependent on your abuser?
Are there assets such as bank accounts, retirement accounts? Do you have access to them?
Keep the appointment.
Make an appointment to find out how to protect yourself financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said " had a tendency to be relentlessly critical and fly into a rage"

Your husband is not a "nice guy"

He is a pos and you are failing your children by letting him treat them badly.

1000%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was a rager and abusive and it’s so hard to explain to people how much you can convince yourself that your marriage is pretty normal when things are NOT normal and you that you are somehow in charge of your spouse’s feelings and inappropriate behavior.

That is where OP is right now.

So how did you break out? Since OP needs the same advice.

[Anonymous]

Make no mistake that you are complicit if you stay with him and allow your children to grow up in this environment. You aren't protecting them. You are normalizing it.

Just look in the mirror and see what it did to you. You said that your father did the same.

[Anonymous]

Give that a-hole your blessing for him to go off and live out his dimwitted plan of running a surf resort.

And as the designated adult, get your child the care he needs.

[Anonymous]

OP, if this is not a troll post, ask Jeff to move it to the SN forum. It is not unusual for 1 parent, esp with anxiety or other mental health issues to not be on the same page initially. By all means go forward with the appointment, but people there may have anecdotes that could be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was a rager and abusive and it’s so hard to explain to people how much you can convince yourself that your marriage is pretty normal when things are NOT normal and you that you are somehow in charge of your spouse’s feelings and inappropriate behavior.

That is where OP is right now.

So how did you break out? Since OP needs the same advice.

I think it was sort of a unique case. I absolutely hit my limit with him and had what I’m pretty sure was a nervous breakdown and told him I was done, absolutely done with him and want a divorce. I was sort of too much of a mess mentally to leave for awhile so he got himself into therapy and had what appears to be a personality transplant. It’s been over a year and he is like a different person. Our marriage is not completely healed and I don’t know if it will ever be but it is a much healthier and happier environment for our kids. Everyone is so much calmer now, there’s no yelling or disrespect and we never really had major disagreements to begin with. I honestly don’t know what to make of it and how to explain it. Part of me is still angry that if it were THAT easy for him to behave, why did he wait 15 years to do so?

[Anonymous]

The assessment is the least of your problems. Hire a divorce attorney immediately.

-someone who never suggests divorce

[Anonymous]

You son may very well not be speaking because his mom is on eggshells everyday living with an unstable dangerous partner. Make a plan to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make no mistake that you are complicit if you stay with him and allow your children to grow up in this environment. You aren't protecting them. You are normalizing it.

Just look in the mirror and see what it did to you. You said that your father did the same.

My husband grew up with an abusive father and has never forgiven his mother for it. Even to this day she defends him.

[Anonymous]

I left an abusive partner and o can’t overemphasize how much it affects and changes you to have been subjected to such a person. I struggle every day with not being abusive myself and sometimes find myself doing to my kids what my former abusive spouse did to me, it’s terrible. I was never like this at all before him, had no experience with violence or rages or threats until my ex.

[Anonymous]

Although you may be ok with handling your husband's behavior, it is not ok for your child to see you tolerating it.

[Anonymous]

Keep the appointment. What is the worst your husband can do? Leave you over it? Good riddance.

Longer term: think hard about the example you are setting for your kids. You noted yourself that you married a man much like your father. If this is what your kids see day in and day out, what will they think is normal? Do you want your kids to grow up and follow in your footsteps and your mother's footsteps? No, of course not. You want better for them. So, give them a better model to emulate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is not a troll post, ask Jeff to move it to the SN forum. It is not unusual for 1 parent, esp with anxiety or other mental health issues to not be on the same page initially. By all means go forward with the appointment, but people there may have anecdotes that could be helpful.

I'm a frequent poster in the Kids with SN forum and I grew up with an incredibly abusive father who also had a number of mental health problems.

What OP describes is not the run of the mill denial/resistance/anxiety in a parent that is typical of the Kids with SN forum. OP and her kids are in an abusive, unsafe environment. The advice she would get there would mirror what she's gotten here. She just happens to have a kid with potential SN. Her priority should be in extracting herself and her kids safely.

[Anonymous]

Divorce