sharing care responsibilities with a sibling
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Anonymous
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The sad reality is that as a daughter AND as the geographically closest sibling you are going to be the one who is going to get sucked I to helping the most and being the go to person when things inevitably start going downhill with your mom.
I was the least favorite but now live the closest. I get so resentful some days. You need to throw money at the problem and NOT get sucked into doing everything. Your mom needs to move to a senior community. Don’t do everything for her and sacrifice the time with your kids and spouse to prevent this from happening. If you are always there your mother won’t feel a need to move where there is more support. |
Anonymous
| ^ forgot to add. You are never going to be able to make your brother do anything that involves his time. You just won’t and society is not going to put any pressure on him to do anything. At least he will help financially. |
Anonymous
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The issue isn't taking care of an elderly parent, the issue is that the woman is 68 and already having OP do all sorts of things for her.
My point is that this is way too early to start. And I am someone who took care of father in the last years of his life, and currently taking care of my mother. To my own detriment on almost every level. |
Anonymous
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Hi, this is OP. Thanks for all the responses.
The question was not "help me determine if I am inventing care tasks", but "there are time-consuming admin tasks that can be done remotely. Given that due to my proximity to mom my family is already taking care of some errands for mom (think bring in heavy groceries, clean gutters, mow lawn, IT help), it makes sense to split some of the remote tasks (think taxes, fin assistance paperwork, fin planning, assisted living research, insurance paperwork - it's a lot and she cannot do it herself). I mainly care to establish a precedent going forward that I am not the default person to take care of all physical and admin needs. There is some helpful advice there - thanks for that. |
Anonymous
Use some of the money that your brother sends to order through instacart, hire a gutter cleaning service and lawn service (could probably find one company that would do both), etc. Your brother doesn't have time, but is apparently willing to contribute financially. |
Anonymous
If she needs that much help at 68, maybe it's time she moved to a full-service place. That may be what your brother is trying to tell you, if you're willing to hear it. Cater to her in that home for the next 30 years cannot be your plan. He may engage more if he's helping her get to a place that works for the three of you, rather than you pressuring him to help enable her to stay in a home she can't manage. |
Anonymous
Unfortunately, OP, you are not hearing what people are saying. Barring extraordinary circumstances, 68 is way too young to start this. Your brother is probably responding to that. I would definitely push back if I was your brother, and I do and have done a ton of caregiving. So this isn't just me being selfish. I believe you are allowing your mother to do this because she is lonely. If you want to take on the responsibility great. But it's too soon (given that you said she is in pretty good health) for someone to be required to do anything. You can't expect your brother to start doing what YOU want him to do when it really shouldn't be necessary. THAT is what people are telling you. There is no answer to How can I make my brother do more, when it's too early. |
Anonymous
This. Your brother probably thinks, reasonably enough, that 68 is not that old and your mother is capable of hiring a tax preparer. That is why he isn't stepping up. |
Anonymous
| People of all ages will frequently get others to do as much for them as they can by pushing/forcing/cajoling/guilting when really they are capable of doing it themselves. |
Anonymous
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OP, you totally can handle a financial Eldercare service. Do taxes, pay bills, deal with insurance, monitor accounts for odd spending, financial planning, providing you regular updates, I think it can be well worth it.
Your brother won't do more because he doesn't think more is needed. That's the bottom line here. |
Anonymous
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Thanks all. This is OP. I will try one more time, and I promise to stop asking if I am still not making sense to people.
I am not trying to look for ways to outsource (I know how and am doing that to the extent it makes sense). I am not looking for advice on whether or not mom should be doing some of the tasks herself. I want to have a productive conversation with my brother on (1) aligning on the list of things with which mom needs help (and it is ok if my brother thinks she does not need help with many (or any) tasks - that will make his opinion clear to me); and (2) if we agree that there are things mom needs and objectively cannot do herself, how to split them up. We both help financially, equally overall. I do not want my brother to think that helping financially is enough. I do not want to be the sole person bearing other care, now or in the future. And I am asking if there is advice on how to have a productive conversation. Thank you so much. |
Anonymous
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Hey OP, you have made your question clear, but I still think people are going to tell you that you are asking the wrong question. I am 68 myself (soon to be 69). I am aware of what I can and cannot do. I can do almost everything on your list. If your mom cannot, then it seems to me your first discussion should be with HER, NOT with your brother!! I would be so offended if my grown children started taking over managing my life without consulting me.
If your mother is truly incapable of doing or finding someone else to do the administrative and physical tasks on your list, then does that mean she is already declining in physical or mental competence? If so, maybe you should be talking to her about designating a financial and a medical POA while she is still able to make such decisions. |
Anonymous
| PP again (68 going on 69). Not that it matters, but I clean my own gutters and mow my own grass, do my own taxes with a spreadsheet I created and took care of my very elderly mother's taxes and trust taxes and my adult child's taxes etc etc. I found my own financial advisor, the one thing I thought I could use some outside help with. My house is a bit disorderly, but that is my own problem, and I would not want a family member interfering. Obviously your mother is a different person, who for whatever reason is less competent (at least in your perception), but her right to manage or mismanage her own life should be respected, I would hope, unless she is a danger to herself or others. |
Anonymous
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In every family I know that has gone through this, there is generally one child, (usually the oldest female) who assumes the heavier load with taking care of their parents. I believe you are afraid that this task is going to fall on you. You are probably right. You are welcome try to prevent it from happening, but there isn’t much you can do. Your brother has plenty on his plate already.
In my case, I was the only surviving child, and I did everything by myself for my mom and bought my way out of what I couldn't manage. It is what it is. |
Anonymous
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I agree with everyone else that it sounds nuts you are doing all this for a 68 year old unless there is something going on like early dementia.
But setting that aside, you briefly say you have mentioned this and your brother is avoiding the conversation. There are no magic words to make your brother do anything — including bothering to have this conversation. Without more details, my assumption is that he doesn’t want to have this discussion. We have no idea if he doesn’t want to have this discussion NOW (because he thinks it is unnecessary) or he doesn’t want to have it EVER (which could be because he is a jerk or for lots of other reasons). All you can do is set your own boundaries by not doing certain things and understanding this means those things may simply never get done. My husband is an oldest son with a more flexible job while I have a super demanding job. My husband is late 50s with a teen with profound special needs and a tween. The reality is that we only have so much time for him to help his parents. My husband typically does one off financial stuff, like taxes or a meeting with a bank. The flexibility my husband has is generally totally focused on making sure our own two kids are getting what they need. The youngest brother who lives next door does way, way more for the parents. If his brother had said “you need to do more”, we might have done a tiny bit more — but it would not have been much. We would have helped with more outsourcing, but we have kids that see multiple specialist doctors — we aren’t adding the 5 specialist appointments each parent has to our to do list. There literally isn’t enough time. I have no idea if your brother will ever do more or not. But there are all kinds of reasons people make the decisions they make. Some reasons are selfish, some reasons are reasonable. |