Different relationship timelines

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How to navigate this. I wouldn’t end our relationship over something so menial, but how do I come to terms with having to wait?

Honestly I was this in reverse bc DH was the one who kept being in grad school and wanted to wait to have kids.

I was very resentful.
We were married 12 years before we had kids and at times I am still angry when I think about how his six year plan turned into a nine-year plan because we then had difficulty conceiving and we eventually did become “old parents” (late 30s) to a previous baby boy.
But how I got through the waiting phase was this:
1–I acknowledged that I really did love him. And I rationalized that if he was *unable* to have kids, I’d still want to be with him, do this isn’t all that different.
2–I reasoned that i could break up with him but would that fix my problem with the delay… or delay my having kids even longer? Obviously the latter
3–I decided I couldn’t bear it if we broke up over it and then he got remarried and started having kids before me *with someone else!!*
I knew that if that happened I’d irrationally feel like some other woman was having MY life…and raising the child/children that I was meant to be having with him!

All this is to say I feel your frustration bc been there and done that.

And the person who isn’t ready to have kids yet “wins” in this scenario. So just try to enjoy the few years of just the two of you.

What a sad reason to stay. You put a theoretical woman "winning" above your actual wants? Yikes, not very healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love her?

I think not.

OP here. Very much. Why don’t you think I love her.

I’m sure you would be upset too if you date someone and had the same timeline, only for them to throw a curveball and delay having kids for years. Most women would go mental if the did husbands did that. As a man, I just have to keep quiet and suck it up.

Extremely untrue and extremely unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can feel the resentment from both of you on this already and I don’t think it bodes well for a happy marriage.

You want kids ASAP and she doesn’t. if you can’t compromise without resentment, you need to break up. If she really wants to go back to school and does not want kids right away and you pressure a kid on her, you will end up divorced.

Kid timing can cause real problems. The same thing happened to my uncle when his wife pressured him for a kid and they also ended up divorced.

You really need to talk about what your ultimate life goals are because you really might want different things— if it really is only two or three years then it’s not a big deal to wait two or three years because honestly people should be married for a while before they start popping out kids anyway because it changes the relationship.

OP here. I do hold some resentment. We were friends before we got together. She knew all of this. It was a big issue in my previous relationship because I was with a younger woman. We got together and I made it clear throughout our relationship my desire to have kids earlier. She was on board until she now decided she isn’t.

I think you need to be honest and tell her you’re feeling some resentment over this. Keep talking to her about it and see if you can come to a compromise on the timing.

[Anonymous]

Can you both get fertility testing done now?

[Anonymous]

I think it is important to clarify timeline with her. She wants to delay kids for a couple of years to get a degree, a masters? After that, she likely will be job hunting, then starting at a new desirable position hopefully. Knowing my own struggles in the early stages of my career as a woman of reproductive age, there will be lots more reasons not to get pregnant during that phase from a career perspective. If you’re hoping for 3-4 kids, it likely will not happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love her?

I think not.

OP here. Very much. Why don’t you think I love her.

I’m sure you would be upset too if you date someone and had the same timeline, only for them to throw a curveball and delay having kids for years. Most women would go mental if the did husbands did that. As a man, I just have to keep quiet and suck it up.

Extremely untrue and extremely unfair.

OP here. It’s true. Women hold more of the decision when it comes to having kids. Most men have to just suck it up until she decides.

Pregnancy will be hard on her because it is for most women. She will not be breastfeeding ( she has stated that she will never do it) but it’s still hard for women more than men.

[Anonymous]

Will she be working while she goes to school? How is she paying for this degree? Waiting 3 more years seems like a stalling tactic. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will she be working while she goes to school? How is she paying for this degree? Waiting 3 more years seems like a stalling tactic. Sorry, OP.

OP here. She will be working PT. She has savings that will pay for the degree.

[Anonymous]

What if you started trying to have kids and couldn't right away and wound up having to wait anyway? Then would you give up on it to avoid being an "old dad"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do hold some resentment. We were friends before we got together. She knew all of this. It was a big issue in my previous relationship because I was with a younger woman. We got together and I made it clear throughout our relationship my desire to have kids earlier. She was on board until she now decided she isn’t.

NP here. I think the incompatible timelines can be a deal breaker. If you don’t want to break up, I think at a minimum you should both go to pre-marital counseling together. Are there other things that you don’t see the same that are important in marriage? How do the two of you communicate and resolve issues?

I don’t see the problem necessarily being that they were on board until they weren’t. We can have things happen in our lives that change how we think about things and we start to value or prioritize different things. My concern is the process of communicating these things when it impacts your partner/someone you are planning your life with. While there are some things that you can’t compromise on (like having kids or not having kids), there are so many decisions where what I might decide as an individual is different than where we end up as a married couple but it hasn’t been all my way or all my spouse’s way. The big things were not unilateral decisions and we sometimes took time, many discussions, and compromises and that both of us felt like the other truly heard the concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How to navigate this. I wouldn’t end our relationship over something so menial, but how do I come to terms with having to wait?

This isn’t something menial to you. Sounds like she dismissed your concerns. As PP suggested, pre-marital counseling is good idea to work through this issue together.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't have the time to wait but doesn't know it. Even if you started today you mostly likely won't have 2 without intervention.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw I broke up with a guy for wanting to date for 4 years at 30 before he'd even consider getting married. He told me this after we'd be dating for 1.5 years.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like someone that really doesn't want a marriage or kids - or at least not as a priority. She isn't going to want to get an advanced degree and then not grow her career. Kids (pregnancy, mat leaves, infants, toddlers, preschoolers) usually stall careers for women - it isn't a time to grow a career. So you can plan on her wanting to work a few years before having kids after she finishes her career.

And I am concerned she is looking to you to support her going back to school. You have only been together for 15 months but now she is going to live off you while she goes to school. Way too soon for a boyfriend / girlfriend to be covering all costs

Seems more she sees you as a stepping stone - and not as the father of her (possible) children.

You say you don't want to break up and that is your choice but plan to be the one paying all living expenses and not having kids for at least 5-8 year. If that is what you want - then stick around. She has told you what her plans are - using you for financial stability to go to school to advance her education and grow her career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't have the time to wait but doesn't know it. Even if you started today you mostly likely won't have 2 without intervention.

Right! As she gets older, getting pregnant can get tricky.