School Has Broken His Spirit and Crushed His Soul, what to do now?

[Anonymous]

I’m very sorry you are going through this. I have no experience with MCPS. I do have experience with Outward Bound, and he might benefit from one of their summer sessions. I would encourage you to look into that, or into some similar summer camp program that allows kids to be in a new setting and work through some of their feelings in a supportive setting.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the only thing that worked for us is moving. We took our DC (anxiety, ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia) out of DC to the midwest. The school is amazing and they are finally thriving. Literally thriving because they are in their perfect environment. I understand that no everyone is able to do a move like that, but our kid was drowning at FCPS. Major school avoidance, low self esteem, high anxiety, not making any progress, etc. Now they are thrilled to go to school, the self confidence is soaring and there's talk about moving them up a grade level for math.

Yes it is a private, but even at that not all public schools are alike. We've found the smaller, midwest public schools also provide far better accommodations. Another new family to our neighborhood have a child who has autism and often elopes. After coming to this public school they no longer even attempt to elope. They enjoy school too much and are doing incredibly well. If you can move further away from the city to a smaller public school pyramid that actually helps kids who need accommodations run there! I wish I knew of some in the DC area off hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the only thing that worked for us is moving. We took our DC (anxiety, ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia) out of DC to the midwest. The school is amazing and they are finally thriving. Literally thriving because they are in their perfect environment. I understand that no everyone is able to do a move like that, but our kid was drowning at FCPS. Major school avoidance, low self esteem, high anxiety, not making any progress, etc. Now they are thrilled to go to school, the self confidence is soaring and there's talk about moving them up a grade level for math.

Yes it is a private, but even at that not all public schools are alike. We've found the smaller, midwest public schools also provide far better accommodations. Another new family to our neighborhood have a child who has autism and often elopes. After coming to this public school they no longer even attempt to elope. They enjoy school too much and are doing incredibly well. If you can move further away from the city to a smaller public school pyramid that actually helps kids who need accommodations run there! I wish I knew of some in the DC area off hand.

Where is this amazing Midwest school?

[Anonymous]

Go private. It's the environment of public not just getting the IEP and support in school.

DS was one thing after another when we discovered ADHD dyslexia and anxiety summer of 4th grade. It got worse and worse until we found the right meds of Lexapro and Focalin. He's now thriving in 8th and A student. It feels like a Fing miracle I tell you.

We moved him into Pvt set up for learning disabilities. What you need is to not look at support in school but where your kid is going to be comfortable as a setting. Maybe that's homeschool for a yr maybe a smaller school. I'd also suggest therapy which further helped our kid but only after we found the right meds.

I am telling you meds are key. They won't be able to use the tools you give them until they can process them and use them no matter how good intentioned anyone is.

[Anonymous]

PS ^ I'm not suggesting you not ID issues to address but at a certain point just start implementing the solutions you know he needs. Stop doing rounds of assessments as this does nothing but make your kid even more alienated. Our kid was told he needed so many things to help him but we were like well unless we stopped working and solely focused on speech therapy + regular therapy + tutoring + an activity after school he wouldn't be addressing his issues . The truth is he prob does need all this but who wants to feel like they require all this work? We only did tutoring and piano. After meds we added therapy and we've never done speech therapy but you know what? One day at a time. For now he's fine. He's not 100% and that's OK. He's getting As has a few friends and although anxiety and depression are still lurking he's getting by pretty well one day at a time. I'll take him at 90% and happy enough v 100% and not as happy.

My best advice is to stop trying to fix and lecture. Do 1-2 things to help him with what you're sure he needs help with - personally I'd try meds. Then you think about school choices. It's just about May so it's not a long way to go to next yr anyway. You're not going to be able to fix him in one day doing one thing. It's going to take some time so manage your expectations about how much you need to assess!

[Anonymous]

My son is similar, and finding the right meds helped a lot. We tried the ADHD meds first, and they helped with focus. However, around puberty we had a ton of anxiety and after one terrible summer, he started sertraline. Now that he’s been on it a while we almost never have a bad episode. He still doesn’t love school, but he can get through it even though he still needs a lot of nagging to do schoolwork.

[Anonymous]

What about the Nora School or Parkmont? They’re made for kids like this.

[Anonymous]

KTS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the only thing that worked for us is moving. We took our DC (anxiety, ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia) out of DC to the midwest. The school is amazing and they are finally thriving. Literally thriving because they are in their perfect environment. I understand that no everyone is able to do a move like that, but our kid was drowning at FCPS. Major school avoidance, low self esteem, high anxiety, not making any progress, etc. Now they are thrilled to go to school, the self confidence is soaring and there's talk about moving them up a grade level for math.

Yes it is a private, but even at that not all public schools are alike. We've found the smaller, midwest public schools also provide far better accommodations. Another new family to our neighborhood have a child who has autism and often elopes. After coming to this public school they no longer even attempt to elope. They enjoy school too much and are doing incredibly well. If you can move further away from the city to a smaller public school pyramid that actually helps kids who need accommodations run there! I wish I knew of some in the DC area off hand.

Where is this amazing Midwest school?

Marburn Academy. Again it's just about finding the perfect fit for your kiddo. Smaller publics are great options too.

[Anonymous]

What are his interests?

What do you think he'd like to do with his days if school didn't exist?

My suggestion: Lean into those answers, whatever they are. Find what lights up your kid and do more of it. Don't be afraid to remove him from the system. Lots of well-meaning individuals work very hard -- in ways that don't serve our children, unfortunately.

It sounds like you know, deep down, that school is causing him harm. I'm so very sorry this is true -- it was true for us, too. It is ok, therefore, to withdraw him -- even if you don't know what's next.

Let him breathe.

He's not learning anyway.

Let him heal.

You can "homeschool" for quite a while without doing much of anything before the county gives you a hard time. (ask me how I know lol.)

Trust your instincts: He *will* learn, and he will THRIVE -- and part of that will be because his parent wasn't too afraid to protect him when he needed protecting.

It gets better. It WILL get better.

He is wonderful just as he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are his interests?

What do you think he'd like to do with his days if school didn't exist?

My suggestion: Lean into those answers, whatever they are. Find what lights up your kid and do more of it. Don't be afraid to remove him from the system. Lots of well-meaning individuals work very hard -- in ways that don't serve our children, unfortunately.

It sounds like you know, deep down, that school is causing him harm. I'm so very sorry this is true -- it was true for us, too. It is ok, therefore, to withdraw him -- even if you don't know what's next.

Let him breathe.

He's not learning anyway.

Let him heal.


You can "homeschool" for quite a while without doing much of anything before the county gives you a hard time. (ask me how I know lol.)

Trust your instincts: He *will* learn, and he will THRIVE -- and part of that will be because his parent wasn't too afraid to protect him when he needed protecting.

It gets better. It WILL get better.

He is wonderful just as he is.

I second this poster. Also want to add that all this probably feels overwhelming to you as a parent - and it will take more of your time and energy. But I would argue that it is better to put in the time now and help him get back to healthy and happy than it is to keep doing the same thing that's not working and end up with a severely depressed and/or suicidal kid (speaking from experience here), which will be even harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are his interests?

What do you think he'd like to do with his days if school didn't exist?

My suggestion: Lean into those answers, whatever they are. Find what lights up your kid and do more of it. Don't be afraid to remove him from the system. Lots of well-meaning individuals work very hard -- in ways that don't serve our children, unfortunately.

It sounds like you know, deep down, that school is causing him harm. I'm so very sorry this is true -- it was true for us, too. It is ok, therefore, to withdraw him -- even if you don't know what's next.

Let him breathe.

He's not learning anyway.

Let him heal.

You can "homeschool" for quite a while without doing much of anything before the county gives you a hard time. (ask me how I know lol.)

Trust your instincts: He *will* learn, and he will THRIVE -- and part of that will be because his parent wasn't too afraid to protect him when he needed protecting.

It gets better. It WILL get better.

He is wonderful just as he is.

OP here, thank you for this. It may come to this and I truly hope I am that brave parent you are describing!

[Anonymous]

We homeschooled for a year due to covid and being in the midst of diagnosis. When you're working with your kid one on one you need far less time to "teach". You can also take advantage of activities like Root Beer Float science (learning molecules). There's some great homeschooling groups in the area as well as homeschool activities you can signup for. Your kid will still get socialization and you can work on the confidence. Taekwondo is another great way to build confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are his interests?

What do you think he'd like to do with his days if school didn't exist?

My suggestion: Lean into those answers, whatever they are. Find what lights up your kid and do more of it. Don't be afraid to remove him from the system. Lots of well-meaning individuals work very hard -- in ways that don't serve our children, unfortunately.

It sounds like you know, deep down, that school is causing him harm. I'm so very sorry this is true -- it was true for us, too. It is ok, therefore, to withdraw him -- even if you don't know what's next.

Let him breathe.

He's not learning anyway.

Let him heal.

You can "homeschool" for quite a while without doing much of anything before the county gives you a hard time. (ask me how I know lol.)

Trust your instincts: He *will* learn, and he will THRIVE -- and part of that will be because his parent wasn't too afraid to protect him when he needed protecting.

It gets better. It WILL get better.

He is wonderful just as he is.

OP here, thank you for this. It may come to this and I truly hope I am that brave parent you are describing!

You are. That's why you posted here

Your answer is in your question: There are so many ways you could have written your post, but you led with "School Has Broken His Spirit and Crushed His Soul."

And we can't have that, can we?

I think that the other crucial bit is for this to be a conversation with your child.

Most crucially, he needs seen and heard and acknowledged. Be real with him. If he seems to be in pain, tell him that you see that. Tell him you are here to protect and guide him, and that you don't know exactly what that's gonna look like at the moment, but you will find a path together. A lot of good is in store for him -- and you're here to help.

Beyond that, invite him into the process of "what next." It could be at the level of fantasy, if he's freer to hope and dream outside of the "real world": What does he wish for himself? If he could wave a magic wand, what would his days be like? What would he see, where would he go, what would he learn to do?

In the meantime, something that has helped me and my kids: When the going gets tough, focus on "the next necessary thing." Sometimes it might mean taking a breath, sometimes it's taking your chromebook and charging it, sometimes it's answering the next question. Sometimes that means getting a drink of water, or if you've been crying, grabbing some tissues.

Often it's tissues

Hang in there. And remember:

You, too, are wonderful just as you are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have resigned ourselves to never retiring, but we're paying for special needs private. It saved our kid's life.

in the same boat. I see you. Sending good vibes.

thanks so much. It helps knowing there are others. I have a lot of grief about a lot of things, but I know it's all for the best.