What’s the key to having a big family? How does it work? What’s needed?

[Anonymous]

As someone who has 3 kids, I think key is that you need to tolerate a lot of chaos. Some days I think I am going crazy from all the noise, fighting, roughhousing and screaming. I try to channel my inner Michelle Duggar and just be chill AF, but I'm really not a chill person. I'm type A and love well behaved children. But I don't want my kids in therapy crying nonstop about how mom always told them to be quiet or yelled at them for being kids. So my advice is not to have 3+ kids unless you're laid back or have a lot of prozac.

I don't think money is #1. I think it's having a fun, supportive, caring husband and you yourself be all about fun, holidays, memories, traditions too. Dh and I are UMC and doing just fine, no need to make millions.

I'm an only child too and my kids will never have any cousins. It makes me sad because dh and I have 20 some cousins each and my kids won't get even 1. We do keep both sets of grandparents close to us.

[Anonymous]

I am assuming when OP said "big family" they are referring to not just your husband and kids but all of your extended family as well. You can have zero kids and still have a big family.

My husband and I both have the same number of family members on each of our sides but for some reason his family seems bigger. I think it is because they always show up for eachother's events and make an effort to visit eachother. They also all live within 4 hours of eachother, so that helps. No major family drama, despite a few crazies in the midst.

My family is spread out all over the country. We do 1:1 visits but never will do full on get togethers, except weddings/funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of it is luck.

I married into a big family. On the surface, it looks happy and vibrant. But there're lots of problems underneath. Some siblings don't get along well. Users and takers. Entitlement. Poor financial management. The list goes on.

This is also true of my mom’s family, which is on the bigger side. She’s one of 4 siblings, her parents/my grandparents are one of 6/8, and most of them resided in the same area when I was growing up. Underneath the fun card games at Thanksgiving and trips to the theme parks and water parks and weddings, there was a lot of drama.

Same. My mom was one of 6. I had such a great childhood with all my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I didn't see or notice the drama. When my grandparents died (I was mid 30s), the siblings all fought nonstop and have never seen any again. I kept in touch, but it's awkward and they aren't located anywhere near me. I definitely had more than a few years where I mourned the big family holidays and was so sad that my holidays were quiet. I still miss my cousins dearly, but I look at it now as just a phase of childhood and I'm glad I had them then. I think a lot of big families are like that. Happy and jolly, but pretty close to falling apart with the adults. It solidified my decision to have at least 3 kids though. Those quiet family holidays with dh and just my parents were very sad. And then the next day it was just dh and his parents.

[Anonymous]

I am one of 20 cousins on my father's side. Most of them could walk into my house and I would have no idea of who they are.
The problem is that the 2 families who grew up near me had kids that were much older and our families had nothing in common. The others (5 of them) lived far away and there was never any effort made to get together.

My birth family now shares a beach house. It's my parents and my 2 sisters and their family plus my family. We cannot all fit at once and even if we could, I think the tolerance for us all to be under one roof would be about 24 hours.

Point is, this all varies from family to family. But it's mostly up to the parents to make it all work. My parents never tried with their birth families and have never idealized having us all together.

[Anonymous]

Money and parents who prioritize getting their kids to have fun with each other and get along.

One of my friends family is like this: UMC, owns large beach cottage, family gets together there all summer, most family members live close to one another or at most an hour away. No major dysfunction, trauma, or preferring one sibling over the other.

My friend and I spent some time one summer with them and it was like a dream, neither of us could believe it was real.

[Anonymous]

It helps if there are clear rules about $$ and schedules: Grandparents pay for all flights and lodging to a common location, but after that we rotate paying for/preparing meals. Absent clear rules, there can be strife.
In my family, you had to pay your own way to the vacation spot, but then grandparents covered lodging and evening meal together. One year a sibling didn't have $$ to travel--we'd chipped in for him before, but didn't the following year. I felt as if I was subsidizing his gambling problem.
The issue with the big get-togethers is you don't get time to really visit or even have an uninterrupted conversation. I prefer a short visit with one sibling, his/her partner and their kids, rather than a huge chaotic week with a huge number of people who don't really want vacation together but who need to come together for the family holiday photo.
And, whatever the size of your family, a tolerance for chaos/disagreement/schedules/ is a must.

[Anonymous]

We lived in Texas for a few years and epoo had big families, every generation.

They all lived near each other and the grandparents and the uncles/aunts. It was a huge support network thing and they did their Sunday church and Bible classes. Many moved back after college or jobs wherever.

So I’d say Money and Living Near Family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a big family you need to be very good at behavior management, otherwise your life will be chaos. You will need lots of money to pay for needs and extras like lessons, camp, sports, etc. Traveling will be difficult for many reasons including expense. Hotel rooms are generally made to accommodate 4 people. Be prepared not to be invited places because of the size of your family. People who throw parties aren’t prepared to invite large families over. Your children will not be able to get the attention they would get in a smaller family as your precious time will be divided among your children. Then there’s college…. Some schools are charging $100,000 a year. State schools are an option and some schools give merit scholarships, but your kids will need excellent grades in high school to qualify for those. These are just some of the things to consider.

you have it all wrong.

in a big family you neglect the younger kids and parentify the older girls. so the kids take care of themselves/each other. you ignore any fighting/bullying. the positive is that behavior problems like whining in stores or tantrums don’t happen because nobody pays attention. and of course you don’t actually go anywhere except church, so manners aren’t on public display anyway. and lol, you never travel so the size of hotel rooms is irrelevant. kids on their own for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money is the key. I grew up with 8 kids in my family. Dreadful. Not enough attention, connection to parents. Had to pay own college tuition. Bus to local state u. Still have PTSD. Unless you are super rich, please do not do.

+1 of 8. Also don't do this if you are dysfunctional, are an alcoholic or have a shitty marriage. Complex ptsd here and have to pay $$$ for twice a week therapy.

+1 of 9. I’ve had YEARS of therapy and actually the one thing that is so taboo and painful is talking about how very neglected I felt as a child. It’s something hard to understand if you haven’t lived it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money is the key. I grew up with 8 kids in my family. Dreadful. Not enough attention, connection to parents. Had to pay own college tuition. Bus to local state u. Still have PTSD. Unless you are super rich, please do not do.

+1 of 8. Also don't do this if you are dysfunctional, are an alcoholic or have a shitty marriage. Complex ptsd here and have to pay $$$ for twice a week therapy.

+1 of 9. I’ve had YEARS of therapy and actually the one thing that is so taboo and painful is talking about how very neglected I felt as a child. It’s something hard to understand if you haven’t lived it.

If it makes you feel any better, even absent addiction or a bad marriage, I've yet to meet anyone from a family of 8-9+ where every child thinks that was a great upbringing where they got sufficient attention and wants to replicate it in their own family (there are probably some right wing fundamentalists who replicate that family dynamic, but I am talking about healthy people). It's just too many kids. I think maybe 5 is the absolute max? 8, 9, 10, 14, 16....madness. No way they walk away without damage.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a family of 4 kids and it was too many. My mom’s side was large (she was one of 5) and her mother was the youngest of 13.

I stopped at 2 kids because I knew it was my limit for the type of parent I wanted to be and the relationship I wanted to have with my kids. My mom lived in survival mode and didn’t really know how to have a real relationship with any of us.

My family and extended family have SO much dysfunction - mental health issues, alcoholism, criminals, estrangement (often over money), kids with disabilities, poverty, lack of education, victim mentality.

Somehow all the granddaughters (I was one of four) got educated and got out while none of 6 grandsons even graduated from college.

Large families are overrated!

[Anonymous]

It's a hit or miss really. I too wanted to have a large family. My mother raised me by herself, I have no siblings, she has no siblings. And in comes my DH with 5 siblings, many cousins, lots of distant relatives. On the surface it all looks well. We all take great family pictures. But you scratch the surface - so much jealousy, trauma, competitiveness, lying. Our DCs told us was the only time they enjoyed holiday weekends was during COVID. They did not have to deal with the relatives. It pains me, I really tried. So be careful what you wish for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as one of 6 kids and with parents who were also from large families. Sure, things like travel are easier with money, but we didn't have it growing up and neither did any of our aunts/uncles. We still spent a lot of time together. I think geographic proximity is the key. Also, my parents really viewed their siblings as friends. We got together with family way more than any family friends. We went to each other's houses for dinner, parents played cards together. We had picnics at parks. With so many cousins there was always a graduation party, wedding, baby shower to go to so we saw a lot of family. Now I live 1,000 miles away and rarely see my cousins, but they still see each other quite a bit because most of them all leave within an hour of each other. It does help to have someone take the lead on planning.

Same. My mom is best friends with her sisters in law - she calls them her sisters, and vice versa. They had a family of multiple siblings and multiple girls, but they welcomed mom in like their own. Cousins on both sides also had big families, so weekends were spent together at the beach, their pools, or whatever. People used to look at us like they could not believe how many people were in one group, but now (since covid) it is common to see bigger groups like this in gatherings. Celebrations, weddings, birthdays, milestones were always fun!

DH's family is different - not as warm, and exclusionary. It is all about one sister in particular - always has been, always will be. If we go away with them (meet them there for a few days), it is more about the sister sneaking out of the house, doing what she wants. One example: She would not let our grown son join a golf outing (an adult could have traded places, easily), so he was pretty hurt. Kids aren't stupid, and they remember those things. She just plans what she wants around monopolizing the grandparent's time, it seems. It is really strange, as if she wants her kids to be the only grandkids - just like she wants to be the only sibling, it seems.

[Anonymous]

You could substitute money for overall COL, if you live in a state with robust state scholarships/low cost of living/family support the only thing stopping you is choice/ability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a hit or miss really. I too wanted to have a large family. My mother raised me by herself, I have no siblings, she has no siblings. And in comes my DH with 5 siblings, many cousins, lots of distant relatives. On the surface it all looks well. We all take great family pictures. But you scratch the surface - so much jealousy, trauma, competitiveness, lying. Our DCs told us was the only time they enjoyed holiday weekends was during COVID. They did not have to deal with the relatives. It pains me, I really tried. So be careful what you wish for.

Describes my extended family as well.

From what I have seen a large family which gets along spends a lot of time together early in life, has a large amount of money, educated parents, with both parents prioritizing family. They mostly live near each other.

Even with all this, I have seen large families fragment after the death of the parents.