siblings think that my mom, a good driver, should stop driving
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Anonymous
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I spent nearly a decade as a professional caregiver and I once cared for an elderly couple in their 90s who were housebound and both experienced serious health and mobility issues.
They very much enjoyed the regular visits from a longtime friend, herself 97 years old, who drove over once a week with their favorite pastries from the bakery they once visited together. That woman was sharp as a tack, physically fit and a better driver than the majority of teens and twenty somethings who cause the majority of accidents on the road. On the other hand my cousin’s MIL lost her license and insurability after having two minor accidents that nevertheless wrecked her vehicles in her early 80s. She’s always had ADD and it worsened with age so that she couldn’t concentrate well on the act of driving and the many things going on around her on the road. I’ve known fit, in their prime adults who I wouldn’t ride in a vehicle with if they were driving at any age. This is very much an individual thing. I believe in retesting as people get very elderly, but frankly I think every driver should retest every so many years because many are just incompetent behind the wheel. But this won’t happen until we devise an affordable way to test driving via technology - nobody wants to put the money into the person power necessary to test so many people on a regular basis. |
Anonymous
| This happened 2 years ago and comes to mind. https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2022/03/12/parthenon-sidewalk-dc-crash-victims/ Not sure why the family of the driver continued to let him drive. |
Anonymous
+1 They should be reporting your mother. It can be done anonymously. No one (NO ONE) in their nineties should be driving. At all. |
Anonymous
| Sorry but after 80 you should have to pass a driving test yearly. Even if they aren’t getting into accidents, they often cause other accidents. |
Anonymous
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Agree with looking at how she parks. If she routinely parks well, that's a good sign she's still fine to drive. If she doesn't park cleanly, then it's time to confiscate the keys.
(by "parking well" I do not mean tire bordering the line. I mean car is centered on all 4 sides. And yes, there are lots of people younger than 90 who park horribly and should not be allowed to drive. Having good spatial awareness is perhaps THE most important skill on the road). |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| Every time I’ve known a family to have this debate, it was actually about two years PAST time for the parent to give up their license. It sucks, OP, but I can almost guarantee your siblings are right here. |
Anonymous
| Your siblings are right. There’s no way a 90 year old is a good driver—I’d say that about 80 year olds too. I won’t get in the car with anyone over 70 unless I know them well. The fact you have more than one sibling disagreeing with you tells me you’re wrong. I’m so glad my mom willingly gave up her license in her late 70s. |
Anonymous
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Op, do you live nearby? Will you have the burden of driving mom around?
I doubt your mom is a good driver. She probably drives dangerously slow. Also, how is she with traffic circles? You need to take a ride with her not just locally but on the highway. |
Anonymous
x10000000 Whatever you do, exert a tiny amount of common sense to this situation, OP. How would you feel if you had a neighbor like this? If you knew their reflexes were slow, which is inevitable, after age 80 (as PP stated)? I know someone whose parent literally had only partial vision in one (!!) eye, and still thought it was "cute" that the DMV gave them their license, in spite of failing the vision test with flying colors. No, it is not at all cute to give a one and a half ton killing machine to a mostly blind person who claims that they "know where to turn" to get to recreational (!!!) places. Geesus, people, get a clue. |
Anonymous
| lol at this troll! |
Anonymous
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Maybe suggest mom limits her driving to daylight, and ice-free roads? Just like when your teens first start driving
That might be a good compromise |
Anonymous
IMO, once you hit 65+, you should have to have an IN person vision test (or from licensed Doctor) every 5 years AND an in person driving test every 5 years. Once you hit 80, I think that test should be every 2 years. Driving is a privilege, not a right. Fact is many 85+ should not be driving and most kids have trouble taking away the keys. |
Anonymous
I would recommend taking the mom to get the test. If she passes, great. If not, then for her safety and everyone elses please take the keys away (actually the state will take the license if not passing) |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you for your responses. I've driven with her recently and saw no problem. Yes, she's tested regularly by the DMV.
Siblings think she can just use Uber or Lyft, but she struggles with the apps; her phone isn't always charged; and she resents the $$. But she's trying. I don't like when my siblings say, "It's so easy, Mom!" It's not easy, for her. I will temper my temper and focus on the infantilizing of our mother on many fronts: whether she should continue to live on her own; whether she should be cooking, etc. I respect her choices. But on the driving, I'll watch carefully. Thank you. |