Need more MIL help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP no great advice but just commiserating that I am in similar position with in-laws. I talk to my own mother about once a week, but
DH has no issue going months without calling or communicating with his parents so they reach out to me to get to him.
I love and respect my in laws, even though we aren’t super close. I don’t want to “carry” the relationship, but about once month or so I will call MIL with a “newsy” update on the happenings in our family—what kids are up to, what DH and I are doing, etc. And she seems elated to hear from me but there is always a twinge of “we’d so love to hear from DH sometime…” that it makes me sad for them.
DH just finds them exhausting so he is very easily able to just ignore.

I have tried to “drop the rope”—as others have suggested—but I think I have realized that my expectation in doing that is that DH will eventually pick it up.
So I wait….and wait….
But he has shown that he won’t and does not intend to.
So eventually I end up picking up the rope again because I just can’t bear to know that they want to be in communication and are getting silence from “us” for a reason that I can’t entirely justify.

OP here. You’re a kind soul. I think it’s helpful in your situation that your ILs are also kind! My MIL is not so much and in no way enhances our lives. DH has clearly dropped the rope, but keeps looking at it and kicking it around. I don’t know why I keep picking it up and bringing it to him when I knew he will just stare at it awkwardly. Ugh. I guess it’s probably because I’m a people pleaser. We are the worst.

People pleasers are the worst because they always yield to whoever the nastiest, pushy person is and then try to cajole or guilt normal people into the loop. How about you support your husband and tell him that he doesn’t have to visit her. He can tell her they aren’t available. If she pushes, pesters and badgers then just don’t answer or respond. It is 100% fine to ghost someone when they don’t want to accept your no thank you or decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you feel you must respond, I'd only say "Please contact DH to coordinate! Hope you're well".

I’m not 100% convinced DH didn’t pass the buck to me and that’s why she’s contacting me. Should I still do this?

TALK to your spouse.

[Anonymous]

DH and DD were planning to stop by together next weekend. Give him a call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you feel you must respond, I'd only say "Please contact DH to coordinate! Hope you're well".

I’m not 100% convinced DH didn’t pass the buck to me and that’s why she’s contacting me. Should I still do this?

TALK to your spouse.

This. It's unfair for DH to change the game, but not relay anything to his mother. It's unfair for it to shift to you. Talk to DH. Tell him MIL is contacting you and ask how he thinks he'll respond. When he says he isn't, remind him that you are the one now at the frontline and he should be the one to handle his mother. If he doesn't want to talk to her, that's his decision. But that choice has put you in a very uncomfortable situation.

[Anonymous]

Is anyone else tired of OP and her stupid MIL questions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just say something like, I'll have dh call you, I'm not sure what he and DD have going on for Friday. And then tell DH to get a backbone and communicate with his mother.

No! This makes OP responsible for having her DH call his mother and opens the door for the MIL to continue to contact OP to get the DH to woman up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Send a text or email reply to both your MIL and your husband:

“Good morning,
MIL contacted me about arranging a visit. I’m connecting both of you so you can coordinate between yourselves,
Love,
Larla”

This - it makes it clear that you are not the POC for this and doesn't allow OP's DH to hide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP no great advice but just commiserating that I am in similar position with in-laws. I talk to my own mother about once a week, but
DH has no issue going months without calling or communicating with his parents so they reach out to me to get to him.
I love and respect my in laws, even though we aren’t super close. I don’t want to “carry” the relationship, but about once month or so I will call MIL with a “newsy” update on the happenings in our family—what kids are up to, what DH and I are doing, etc. And she seems elated to hear from me but there is always a twinge of “we’d so love to hear from DH sometime…” that it makes me sad for them.
DH just finds them exhausting so he is very easily able to just ignore.

I have tried to “drop the rope”—as others have suggested—but I think I have realized that my expectation in doing that is that DH will eventually pick it up.
So I wait….and wait….
But he has shown that he won’t and does not intend to.
So eventually I end up picking up the rope again because I just can’t bear to know that they want to be in communication and are getting silence from “us” for a reason that I can’t entirely justify.

The only person you can control is yourself. When you 'drop the rope', you should not have any expectation that your DH will do anything. If you 'can't bear' that your DH does not, then you have to accept it is a 'you' issue and not a DH issue. No one said that it would be easy.

[Anonymous]

Why can't the adults just be honest ? If the situation doesn't get resolved it will all fall apart and the wife is ALWAYS blamed.

It's time for a sit down with everyone. And your daughter should not be forced to do something she does not want to do. But she should be allowed a voice in this matter.

[Anonymous]

Send her whatever dick pics he has sent you.

[Anonymous]

Can you confront DH and ask him whether he wants you to ignore your MIL? Make him say it explicitly so you can stop feeling bad for ignoring her like he does, like you want to. I know that’s giving him a taste of his own lazy avoidant medicine, but it sounds like you’ve tried other stuff and this sounds like such an annoyance to keep having to spin your wheels over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you confront DH and ask him whether he wants you to ignore your MIL? Make him say it explicitly so you can stop feeling bad for ignoring her like he does, like you want to. I know that’s giving him a taste of his own lazy avoidant medicine, but it sounds like you’ve tried other stuff and this sounds like such an annoyance to keep having to spin your wheels over.

It won't work. This kind of guy will say "I dunno, do whatever" because he doesn't want to face up to the problem. He doesn't want to say to ignore MIL because what he actually wants is for OP and DD to spend time with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you confront DH and ask him whether he wants you to ignore your MIL? Make him say it explicitly so you can stop feeling bad for ignoring her like he does, like you want to. I know that’s giving him a taste of his own lazy avoidant medicine, but it sounds like you’ve tried other stuff and this sounds like such an annoyance to keep having to spin your wheels over.

It won't work. This kind of guy will say "I dunno, do whatever" because he doesn't want to face up to the problem. He doesn't want to say to ignore MIL because what he actually wants is for OP and DD to spend time with MIL.

So he doesn’t have to.

[Anonymous]

Stop throwing your DD under the bus. MIL sounds bad. Why should DD continue to see her? 14 is old enough to have a say in this matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop throwing your DD under the bus. MIL sounds bad. Why should DD continue to see her? 14 is old enough to have a say in this matter.

OP here. We definitely are not. When I had the discussion with DH I told him she didn’t want to, and she said she didn’t have to. We are done with that.

I did tell DH I wasn’t going to be his go-between, and I wouldn’t be responding to his mother anymore. Done. The ball is in his court now to do with it what he wishes. Thanks again for your help, which was much encouraging.