Best way to handle family member coming out?

[Anonymous]

Let him tell people himself on his own time. We had one loudmouth gay nephew who told everyone in the family before DS had a chance to tell them the way he wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. Extremely helpful.

Does this same advice hold for his cousins who are around his age. They may look to me for best thing to say/do. Would texts of support from all help, or less the better and they just carry on hanging out? I am not sure if my nephew will announce it to them or assume they already know. I hear people say just follow his lead.

His cousins around his age are not going to care. Please don’t try to coach them. If they joke with him, please let it go. Teens these days see changing preferences all the time and are much better equipped than you are to roll with it and make him comfortable.

This. If he finds out this is going on, it’s also going to seem like you’re gossiping about him, which would be true. That might also be part of the problem if you’re saying “we already knew.” If enough people say “I already knew,” or if anyone says “we already knew” it will feel like you guys are sitting around deciding his sexuality for him. It doesn’t mean you’re aware or knowledgeable, it means you’re nosy.

I think you should stick to the basics with your response, don’t overdo it by saying you know him better than he knows himself or that you and other family members are discussing his private life, and let the younger generation handle it the way they handle it. It’s not about manners, where older generations may have the upper hand. It’s about love and acceptance and changing norms. They could’ve probably given you some pointers about why not to say you already knew, but you don’t want to be gossiping. if you’re close, maybe ask them how they’d handle certain relevant conversations after this situation passes, not as a coach to them but to get some fresh perspective.

[Anonymous]

Awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for telling me. I love and accept you!

This. There is no need to say you knew / suspected. If you really want to say that nothing changes, I guess you can, but consider he may not feel that the status quo was ideal. "I'm happy for you" would be better.

+2

[Anonymous]

I would not expect a big formal announcement..just eventually he might mention a boyfriend and you can react to that as you typically would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we have loved you all these years and knew you were gay,

Maybe change “knew” to thought you might be.

ugh no. don't say that. what is the point? it's rude.

"I love you, let me know if there's anything to do to support you"

[Anonymous]

We have a situation where half of the grandchildren in the family have come out, which tracks with those stats about how half of students in SLACs etc. now label themselves queer. However I have to wonder if ten years from now, half of the next generation of my family will be gay. I wonder about making a big deal about being supportive if it turns out to be a phase for at least some of them. If they change their mind later, what would it feel like to have your relatives all tell you that they always knew you were gay. I also think you might reach out to the parents having a hard time and not villainize them. They may experience grief about the vision that they had for their family and that too is valid and should be recognized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my 13 year old told me he was gay I said thanks for letting me know, and I will love him whoever he is, even if he turns out to be a republican. He laughed and said that’s true love.

I was thinking I might say "Oh thank goodness! I was afraid you were going to tell me you are a Republican."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my 13 year old told me he was gay I said thanks for letting me know, and I will love him whoever he is, even if he turns out to be a republican. He laughed and said that’s true love.

I was thinking I might say "Oh thank goodness! I was afraid you were going to tell me you are a Republican."

Oh my god, that's an amazing line.

[Anonymous]

"Thanka for letting me know. Let me know if you want me to introduce anyone to you. I'm here if you ever have questions touvneed to talk about."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my 13 year old told me he was gay I said thanks for letting me know, and I will love him whoever he is, even if he turns out to be a republican. He laughed and said that’s true love.

I was thinking I might say "Oh thank goodness! I was afraid you were going to tell me you are a Republican."

Oh my god, that's an amazing line.

Oh my god, what a stupid and ignorant line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the replies.

I meant is that it is “freeing” in that he can talk about his boyfriends etc just like we talk about ours. There has always been a sadness about him that I hope will change

Understand about not making a big deal and treating him same.

Still wondering if saying “we have loved you all these years and knew you were gay, and nothing changes and we will just continue as is” is off limits?

Any different advice for an elderly grandmother whom he is close to? What would be most supportive? (She has also assumed he was gay for years and could care less).

So it's not a good look to tell someone, especially a teen, that you're imagined them having sex and you think you know what sort of people are a better fit.