How do I get child's father involved?

[Anonymous]

My son is almost a year old. His father denies it's his child. He wasn't around while I was pregnant, before/during/after the birth,
and has not contacted me at all. I am currently in a good relationship and that man takes over as Dad. But I still feel
my son's father should know his child. But I get the hint, he doesn't want to be around and to be honest, I need help paying
for everything. So I'm going to file for child support but I was told I had to file for paternity first.

If I file and I prove him to be the father, and get support ordered, will I also get full custody? Or would I have to file for custody
separately? Everything I am reading online is confusing! I'm in Maryland.

I'm hoping that by proving he is the father and filing for support, he will at least want to meet his son and maybe come around some.
Is this the best way to get him involved?

[Anonymous]

You cannot make him be involved. Chances are, if he was interested, he would've already been to see his child. Just file for child support and call a lawyer to ask about custody. They are two separate things. The lawyer will tell you about establishing paternity too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is almost a year old. His father denies it's his child. He wasn't around while I was pregnant, before/during/after the birth,
and has not contacted me at all. I am currently in a good relationship and that man takes over as Dad. But I still feel
my son's father should know his child. But I get the hint, he doesn't want to be around and to be honest, I need help paying
for everything. So I'm going to file for child support but I was told I had to file for paternity first.

If I file and I prove him to be the father, and get support ordered, will I also get full custody? Or would I have to file for custody
separately? Everything I am reading online is confusing! I'm in Maryland.

I'm hoping that by proving he is the father and filing for support, he will at least want to meet his son and maybe come around some.
Is this the best way to get him involved?[/quote]

I wouldn't count on it to heavily that it will work out that way and also no, it's not he best way to get him involved.

I would say that you are clinging for ways for you, yourself, to get back into the man's life.

[Anonymous]

OP here - so basically, the court can't make him at least meet his child? I thought there were programs for parenting/being a father that were required?

I have a man, thanks, so it's not about getting back into my son's father's life. I just want my child to know his father.

[Anonymous]

Of course they encourage a father to be involved in his child's life but beyond what is legally enforceable (child support), there is nothing that can be done in terms of the courts. Sometimes men are shocked and overwhelmed at being a father and sometimes they do "come around" but I wouldn't count on this happening. As it is now, he doesn't even claim parenthood of this child so I wouldn't hold your breath hoping he will spend time with the child.

[Anonymous]

OP here - okay thanks. I just thought they'd at least make him have a meeting or something, like a the child support office or court to meet his child.

When he's found to be the father and he has to pay support, IF he were to be one of these dads who decide "oh well now I want custody" to get out of paying as much, will the court give him joint custody - or even full custody? That is what I'm afraid of, my child going to pretty much a stranger right off the bat.

[Anonymous]

If he's that disinterested, why do you want him to be involved? I might be thanking my lucky stars that he's showing his true colors.

He's very unlikely to get full custody after not seeing his son for awhile. I know that in VA, custody and support are two totally separate issues, which means that paying support does not guarantee more than just visitation.

All that aside, it is possible he might change his mind, come back and be a great father. My daughter's dad was completely disinterested in fatherhood (or me, after finding out I was pregnant), but he did some thinking and came around to the idea and he has been FANTASTIC. We have probably the smoothest co-parenting relationship of anyone I know, which I never would have expected. So don't necessarily assume that the situation now will always be the situation.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - okay thanks. I just thought they'd at least make him have a meeting or something, like a the child support office or court to meet his child.

When he's found to be the father and he has to pay support, IF he were to be one of these dads who decide "oh well now I want custody" to get out of paying as much, will the court give him joint custody - or even full custody? That is what I'm afraid of, my child going to pretty much a stranger right off the bat.

He most likely will get joint custody if he wants it. Very little risk of full custody.

[Anonymous]

OP here - okay thanks. I just thought it would be good for my son to know who his father is, or at least get a picture of them together in case he never sees him again.

I am afraid of him filing for full custody. He has another child, a year or two older than mine and he is involved. I tried contacting that child's mother numerous times to get her to help me get him involved and she threatened me with harrassment charges. His family also wants nothing to do with me. But if I go after his money I thought maybe he'd get mad and try to take him from me so he doesn't have to pay.

I would be okay with visitation if it is gradually introduced.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he truly doesn't believe he is the father that is behind his lack of involvement. Whether that is justified or not, I don't know. You said he wasn't around during the pregnancy either...how long were you with him before you got pregnant and how long did he stick around after you got pregnant? if you weren't in a committed relationship, he could have thought you were saying it was his because you didn't want to lose him, or because he has money, or for any other reason that women lie about paternity.

is he on the birth certificate? Before worrying about custody and child support I would start with establishing paternity. If he is an involved parent with his other child then maybe a definite yes, you are the father in black and white print may be enough to get him involved on some level.

Why doesn't any of the family want to be involved? What do they have against you...what has he told them? Is it all around paternity? Is this a 'crazy' family or are their feelings that you are harassing them justified and are your actions reinforcing what their son is telling them about you?

If he requests visitation he would likely get that and once he has an established record of visitation he could go for joint custody.

[Anonymous]

We were friends for a few years and it was one of those nights where one thing led to another. After I told him I was pregnant, he cut off all communication. I contacted his family, who didn't know. They were surprised and they came to meet me one day and told me to let them know when the baby came. I called when I went to the hospital. Never heard from them again. I called his mother a few months later and while she was civil on the phone, she said she had to go and would call later. She never did.

He is not on the birth certificate. My now ex-husband is. I was in the middle of a divorce when this happened. I had also just got out of a 6 month dating relationship. So he and his family think it's not possible when I know he is the father.

I don't think I'm harassing anyone, I am just trying to get someone who will talk to me and see my side of things because once it goes to court I don't have to be nice or cooperative if I don't want to be. The court will decide everything.

[Anonymous]

Hold it we have heard this story already. So I guess you are the other woman from the thread from last week
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/240921.page

Nice to hear your side of the story.

[Anonymous]

oh geez.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were friends for a few years and it was one of those nights where one thing led to another. After I told him I was pregnant, he cut off all communication. I contacted his family, who didn't know. They were surprised and they came to meet me one day and told me to let them know when the baby came. I called when I went to the hospital. Never heard from them again. I called his mother a few months later and while she was civil on the phone, she said she had to go and would call later. She never did.

He is not on the birth certificate. My now ex-husband is. I was in the middle of a divorce when this happened. I had also just got out of a 6 month dating relationship. So he and his family think it's not possible when I know he is the father.

I don't think I'm harassing anyone, I am just trying to get someone who will talk to me and see my side of things because once it goes to court I don't have to be nice or cooperative if I don't want to be. The court will decide everything.

If you were still married (enough to put your exs name on the BC) and just at the end of another relationship, it makes sense that without proof this guy who you had a one night stand with isn't convinced it is his child. He doesn't know who else who had one night stands with on top of the two men you were married/in a recent relationship with. Is he refusing to do DNA testing?

[Anonymous]

OP here - I understand that but I know it's his. I thought with us being friends he'd believe me but I guess not. He won't even speak to me about anything, so yes, he's refusing dna testing voluntarily. So I have to file for paternity to get the court to make him submit dna.