How do you end a friendship?

[Anonymous]

How do you just let a friendship go? I've realized that one of my friends is just not someone that I want in my life. Nothing dramatic, or extreme, but she is always trying to one up everyone around her and it makes me crazy. (Oh, you went to New York for vacation? I just went to Paris!)

She also gets very loud and combative when she drinks - the last time I saw her husband pulled her aside and told her to calm down and she told him (in front of our 5 year old) to "fuck off"

I don't want to make it a thing...but just let the friendship run its course....but how do you do that without having to explain?

[Anonymous]

How good a friend are you? If you are fairly close, you owe her an explanation. Lots of people like to take the coward's way out and call it "avoiding drama," but that is bullshit. We are all adults here and facing messy conflict in relationships is part of being an adult.

If you tell her what is eating at you, 1 or 2 things will happen: she will change and you will have saved the friendship, or she will be so offended, the friendship will be over and you will have gotten what you wanted.

If you are not that close, just taper off get togethers and returning calls, and she will get the point. No explanation necessary.

But if she considers you a good friend, get over the idea of not wanting to explain and man up and deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How good a friend are you? If you are fairly close, you owe her an explanation. Lots of people like to take the coward's way out and call it "avoiding drama," but that is bullshit. We are all adults here and facing messy conflict in relationships is part of being an adult.

If you tell her what is eating at you, 1 or 2 things will happen: she will change and you will have saved the friendship, or she will be so offended, the friendship will be over and you will have gotten what you wanted.

If you are not that close, just taper off get togethers and returning calls, and she will get the point. No explanation necessary.

But if she considers you a good friend, get over the idea of not wanting to explain and man up and deal with it.

Agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you just let a friendship go? I've realized that one of my friends is just not someone that I want in my life. Nothing dramatic, or extreme, but she is always trying to one up everyone around her and it makes me crazy. (Oh, you went to New York for vacation? I just went to Paris!)

She also gets very loud and combative when she drinks - the last time I saw her husband pulled her aside and told her to calm down and she told him (in front of our 5 year old) to "fuck off"

I don't want to make it a thing...but just let the friendship run its course....but how do you do that without having to explain?

If this is a common pattern and you think she may be an alcoholic, there is always the possibility that telling her directly would help her see what this is doing to her. However, there is no guarantee that will happen - and you shouldn't count on it - but you never know.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just let it fade out? Don't call her. When/if she calls or emails, wait a while before responding and do it via email in short polite sentences that commit to nothing/no visits, and have excuses ready if she proposes something. She'll get the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just let it fade out? Don't call her. When/if she calls or emails, wait a while before responding and do it via email in short polite sentences that commit to nothing/no visits, and have excuses ready if she proposes something. She'll get the picture.

Because this is juvenile if you are dealing with a close friend. Okay with a general acquaintance, but not a real friend. The OP hasn't specified the level of friendliness, but for a real friend, this is so not cool to do.

[Anonymous]

fade away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just let it fade out? Don't call her. When/if she calls or emails, wait a while before responding and do it via email in short polite sentences that commit to nothing/no visits, and have excuses ready if she proposes something. She'll get the picture.

Because this is juvenile if you are dealing with a close friend. Okay with a general acquaintance, but not a real friend. The OP hasn't specified the level of friendliness, but for a real friend, this is so not cool to do.

PP, and the others who have suggested that facing the person is the "adult" way to do this, have you actually ever done this yourselves? Just curious.

So, when I had had it with a good friend, I tried talking to her about what wasn't working. I got attacked so badly I just backed off, let it go, and tried to focus on the things I liked about my friend. When I'd finally had it, I wrote her a letter telling her that it was just time to part ways and that our friendship had run its course. I was careful not to say anything bad about her and said I would always remember her fondly. (FYI - I sent a letter because we live to far away for in-person and a phone call would have lead to a fight.) After getting the letter she proceeded to rip me a new one by way of her blog. She trashed me every way come Sunday and in public. Nothing she said was true (she always had a talent for fiction, which is a large part of why we are no longer friends), but it was very, very painful. And that stuff is out there on the Internet forever.

I will never do that again. Next time it's fade away for me. Adults confront problems, but they also protect themselves from toxic people.

[Anonymous]

Wow, all of a sudden, your day and calendar is totally booked. And you just had too much to do at work and with the kids. So no more time for this fading friendship. Imagine that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just let it fade out? Don't call her. When/if she calls or emails, wait a while before responding and do it via email in short polite sentences that commit to nothing/no visits, and have excuses ready if she proposes something. She'll get the picture.

Because this is juvenile if you are dealing with a close friend. Okay with a general acquaintance, but not a real friend. The OP hasn't specified the level of friendliness, but for a real friend, this is so not cool to do.

How is that juvenile?

I have a friend that I am letting fade because I strongly disagree with some of her life choices. Why should I tell her that when it's really not my business what she does, I just don't want to be associated with anyone like that. I have nothing to say to her other than she disgusts me. But I really don't feel the need to say that. It's her life, I just don't want to be a part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just let it fade out? Don't call her. When/if she calls or emails, wait a while before responding and do it via email in short polite sentences that commit to nothing/no visits, and have excuses ready if she proposes something. She'll get the picture.

Because this is juvenile if you are dealing with a close friend. Okay with a general acquaintance, but not a real friend. The OP hasn't specified the level of friendliness, but for a real friend, this is so not cool to do.

How is that juvenile?

I have a friend that I am letting fade because I strongly disagree with some of her life choices. Why should I tell her that when it's really not my business what she does, I just don't want to be associated with anyone like that. I have nothing to say to her other than she disgusts me. But I really don't feel the need to say that. It's her life, I just don't want to be a part of it.

Exactly. We don't have to vocalize every thought in our head. I'd let it fade. If she asks, then maybe tell her what you are thinking. There's no reason to be confrontational without being asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just let it fade out? Don't call her. When/if she calls or emails, wait a while before responding and do it via email in short polite sentences that commit to nothing/no visits, and have excuses ready if she proposes something. She'll get the picture.

Because this is juvenile if you are dealing with a close friend. Okay with a general acquaintance, but not a real friend. The OP hasn't specified the level of friendliness, but for a real friend, this is so not cool to do.

PP, and the others who have suggested that facing the person is the "adult" way to do this, have you actually ever done this yourselves? Just curious.

So, when I had had it with a good friend, I tried talking to her about what wasn't working. I got attacked so badly I just backed off, let it go, and tried to focus on the things I liked about my friend. When I'd finally had it, I wrote her a letter telling her that it was just time to part ways and that our friendship had run its course. I was careful not to say anything bad about her and said I would always remember her fondly. (FYI - I sent a letter because we live to far away for in-person and a phone call would have lead to a fight.) After getting the letter she proceeded to rip me a new one by way of her blog. She trashed me every way come Sunday and in public. Nothing she said was true (she always had a talent for fiction, which is a large part of why we are no longer friends), but it was very, very painful. And that stuff is out there on the Internet forever.

I will never do that again. Next time it's fade away for me. Adults confront problems, but they also protect themselves from toxic people.

This, this, this! I tried bringing up an issue as a gentle request and a woman who had been a close friend up until that point just went OFF on me, threw an absolute fit. I wish I'd just gotten busy and unavailable instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How good a friend are you? If you are fairly close, you owe her an explanation. Lots of people like to take the coward's way out and call it "avoiding drama," but that is bullshit. We are all adults here and facing messy conflict in relationships is part of being an adult.

If you tell her what is eating at you, 1 or 2 things will happen: she will change and you will have saved the friendship, or she will be so offended, the friendship will be over and you will have gotten what you wanted.

If you are not that close, just taper off get togethers and returning calls, and she will get the point. No explanation necessary.

But if she considers you a good friend, get over the idea of not wanting to explain and man up and deal with it.

Confrontation for the sake of confrontation is not really an "adult thing" to do. It's the adult thing to do if the friend directly requests an explanation, then yes, you should explain. But if the friend never asks and similary fades away? Well then it was just time to move on for both of you...

[Anonymous]

I have to chime in about the fade away approach. My friendship was circling the drain and then friend and her DH visited me. Her expectations of a friend, and where we were in our lives at that time, were just too far apart. I felt taken advantage of and exhausted after that visit, and wrote her a long letter about how I thought it was insensitive of her to expect me to do certain things.

In retrospect, I should have written the letter then torn it up. Never received a phone call, email, visit, etc. from her after I sent that letter, and looking back, there was no need on my part to criticize them.

[Anonymous]

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