at a loss as to how to make DH see reason...

[Anonymous]

So I am pregnant with my first, due in 8 weeks (all things going to plan). His parents have told him that they need to be called when I go into labor so they can be here for the birth and visiting in the hospital afterwards (they live 3 hours away). They are planning on staying in the area for a week after the birth. I do not want this, nor do I want them at the hospital, I only want DH. My parents, who are local, will come visit if I want in the hospital as well, but I want to wait and see how I feel. DH will not back down, and says this parents deserve the same rights as mine, and they are coming whether I like it or not. I don't really want anyone around at the hospital, or when I get home, trying to BF, bleeding, etc.

I have tried everything-backing off, coming back at it, calmly, yelling, appealing to his better sense-he just won't listen to me about wanting privacy, all he can talk about is how it's not fair my parents will be around and his aren't. My mom will most likely spend some time overnight when we first come home, and he's now saying that his mom should be able to as well, since it's only fair. I just don't know wtf to do anymore...he's never been like this before!

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

[Anonymous]

You both are. Find a middle ground.

[Anonymous]

I would say that the families can come for short visits (1 hour or so) when you get home from the hospital but no more. That includes your mom. Compromise.

[Anonymous]

Take the long view. Make sure you have the time and space you need to heal in the first days but don't set up a dynamic that will effect your long-term relationship with your in-laws (or, your husband, for that matter).

When they're there, feel free to establish boundaries. Your job is to feed your baby and to rest. If you feel like you can't do that with other people around, then have "visiting hours" at home and make sure everyone sticks to them. Employ your husband's help in this matter. But don't set up a dynamic between grandparents at this stage that some are invited, and some are not. Believe me, the stress between deciding who's out and who's in will be worse than inviting everyone in and asking them to leave when you need the privacy.

[Anonymous]

also...let them take care of you! when you get home from the hospital, have them prepare meals for you, run to the grocery store, pick up baby/mama supplies thy you didnt realize you needed, do dishes, and help wash laundry or clean the house.

The reality is that both you and DH will be tired and want to rest at times when the baby may or may not be asleep. Let the moms hold and rock the baby while you are sleeping, showering or taking a short break....

You don't have to let them be in the delivery room whil you are in labor, but why not let them be one of the first people to welcome baby into the world?

[Anonymous]

Just keep explaining why you feel the way you do. Do it in as calm of a tone as possible.

I don't believe in compromise when it comes to these things. If you don't want people there, you don't want people there-period. Sorry, whoever pushes the baby out gets to decide who is there while they are tired, bloody, and leaking fluids.

Yes, this is one time where it is about you and what you want. There will be plenty of time to compromise later. I wish people would stop being so pushy about who is at the delivery and home immediately afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep explaining why you feel the way you do. Do it in as calm of a tone as possible.

I don't believe in compromise when it comes to these things. If you don't want people there, you don't want people there-period. Sorry, whoever pushes the baby out gets to decide who is there while they are tired, bloody, and leaking fluids.

Yes, this is one time where it is about you and what you want. There will be plenty of time to compromise later. I wish people would stop being so pushy about who is at the delivery and home immediately afterwards.

I also agree with this. I'm also not comfortable having people around, and it was just DH and I for our first baby. It will be just DH and I for the second. The in-laws were more than welcome to come visit (LATER!). They came for 2 weeks about a month after the birth. My parents came a few weeks after also.

Nobody came to the hospital. I would have been way too uncomfortable with that. I don't hate my in-laws, I just wouldn't want anyone there at that time.

Sorry, OP that you DH isn't being supportive. Hope it works out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just keep explaining why you feel the way you do. Do it in as calm of a tone as possible.

I don't believe in compromise when it comes to these things. If you don't want people there, you don't want people there-period. Sorry, whoever pushes the baby out gets to decide who is there while they are tired, bloody, and leaking fluids.

Yes, this is one time where it is about you and what you want. There will be plenty of time to compromise later. I wish people would stop being so pushy about who is at the delivery and home immediately afterwards.

I also agree with this. I'm also not comfortable having people around, and it was just DH and I for our first baby. It will be just DH and I for the second. The in-laws were more than welcome to come visit (LATER!). They came for 2 weeks about a month after the birth. My parents came a few weeks after also.

Nobody came to the hospital. I would have been way too uncomfortable with that. I don't hate my in-laws, I just wouldn't want anyone there at that time.

Sorry, OP that you DH isn't being supportive. Hope it works out for you.

Problem is that OP isn't saying no one. She's saying my mom but not yours.

[Anonymous]

OP, please share this with your DH:

I had my mother come stay with me and DH after DD was born. MY mother, whom I love and adore.

I ended up going nuts and screaming at her to get our of my house on day 4. Postpartum sleep deprivation is NOT a pretty thing. Luckily, she's my mom and she understood and no harm was done. However, if she'd been my MIL, I would have cracked earlier (day 3 maybe?) and it would not have been a reparable relationship issue.

You ABSOLUTELY get to decide who is there and who isn't. YOU are the one breastfeeding. YOU are the one recovering from pushing a human being out of your body or from surgery. YOU are the one with a baby glued to you, more exhausted than you've ever been.

Get a trusted BTDT individual to give your husband the down-low.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised by most of these responses. If OP feels like she will get more comfort from her mom while she recovers, i think thats her prerogative. I felt the exact same way. Relationships with mothers and mils are very different, imo this is about her recovery and not the baby. I am with you op, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Problem is that OP isn't saying no one. She's saying my mom but not yours.

That's her choice to say that. If she feels comfortable with HER mom seeing her in that condition, then that is her choice to say that. Would DH want his MIL there if his balls were sore and bleeding, he was tired, run over, and his nipples were leaking fluid?

But OP, I do caution that you might not even want your own mom there in the days afterwards. It's nice to just bond with your new family and no interruptions. But if you want your mom there, it's understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Problem is that OP isn't saying no one. She's saying my mom but not yours.

That's her choice to say that. If she feels comfortable with HER mom seeing her in that condition, then that is her choice to say that. Would DH want his MIL there if his balls were sore and bleeding, he was tired, run over, and his nipples were leaking fluid?

But OP, I do caution that you might not even want your own mom there in the days afterwards. It's nice to just bond with your new family and no interruptions. But if you want your mom there, it's understandable.

Yup, agree with this 100% OP gets to choose who's there, period.

[Anonymous]

You've posted on this before, I see no changes have come about. I think your dh isn't going to back down at this point.

I think last time you posted, many suggested that if it was that important to you, you should stay at your mom's for a couple of days after the birth. This will cause problems of its own, so you have to decide what is most important to you- your recovery or keeping peace.

I think you and your DH are heading for serious, serious problems because the birth of a child only make spouse relations more challenging, and certainly relationships with in-laws can suffer as well.

[Anonymous]

Why can't the in-laws at least come to meet the baby for a few hours. Will that really disrupt your healing?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is about to get knocked down a peg on the totem pole in your house once the baby comes. Some men don't handle this well. If you push out your husband's parents, it's going to make him extremely resentful and you are going to exacerbate this even more.

There is middle ground here. Sure, you can dig in your heels like the PPs have encouraged you and say it's all about you and your healing. Would you be right? Maybe. But if you stepped into a crosswalk without looking, you'd be right, too-- but if a car splatters you across the pavement you'd be right and dead. Doesn't seem worth it, does it?

Marriage is long and having a baby is stressful. If you and your DH can't come to a reasonable agreement about this, I really fear for your family's future. This is the easy stuff. The hard part hasn't even started yet.

Marriage counseling is in order.