Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepfather got drunk on my 12th birthday and slammed my head into a toilet like he was going to drown me, and then pulled me out and picked me up and threw me across the room and against the wall. He and my mom weren’t married yet. But she ended up marrying him anyway. Things did not get better. She would say to me “It’s my time now.” After she and my dad got divorced she was just furious that she had kids. She considered us to be in the way of her having fun and finding a new husband. FWIW, I’m pretty sure my entire life had been “her time.”

Sometimes those of us divorced dads who are blamed by "default" for ruining a woman's marriage, when we see stories like this it reminds everyone that men are not always the bad apples. Of course this example does not mean that men are free of being the faulty ones, but women have their issues as well.

[Anonymous]

Because, in my experience, a parent’s love for their child reigns supreme. It runs deeper and should be unselfish, unconditional and unwavering.

We all know that is often not the case for romantic relationships. Anyone in a second marriage is living proof of that.

[Anonymous]

I think it is more common that older men marry younger second wives, when they have more money. Often they dote over the younger set of kids and neglect the first set, to please the young woman they bought, uh sorry I meant married. 😉

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I hope none of you ever get divorced. Good luck on your second marriage being married to someone who "puts his first family first" above all else.

Sorry, but that's not reality. The second family goes on to have kids and they matter as well. The second family includes the first child and all children are considered in decision making. Not just the first.

I said children come before spouses. Not first children come before second.

He is parent to both so has an obligation to father/support both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce. I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine.

So self-centered that you see it as putting another woman’s feelings over yours.

How about giving a mother more say in how her children are raised than whoever their father is shacking up with for this phase of their childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once you have kids, you cannot be selfish anymore. And it's selfish to pursue a new romance and put a new spouse ahead of your kids. We pursue romance to make our selves happy. Our personal happiness is no longer the top priority once kids come along.

It is not selfish to focus on your marriage to the parent of your children. The hope is that a stable marriage is the bedrock of a stable family for the kids.

I think it's unwise to remarry if you are divorced with young kids. It does indeed create conflicts that everyone is better off without.

Oh please. Kids want their parents to be happy. And it's not good for any kids to be treated as the "mini spouse" of their single parent. It's definitely better for my stepchildren that their Father is no longer a single man feeding them cereal 3 x a day in an apartment. They have a family on our side with siblings, family vacations, activies, etc. Meanwhile their Mother drops them on her parents to go party. At least they have some semblance of a normal life since their Dad remarried.

So why would you marry a guy who thinks it is okay to feed kids cereal 3x a day, and had multiple kids with a second bad parent?

You see yourself as the family savior but it sounds like those kids are surrounded by irresponsible losers.

[Anonymous]

Because no one can divorce their own children. Parental rights can be relinquished at via a legal process separate from divorce.

Don’t date parents if you can’t accept that being a parent is a primary responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prioritizing the marriage over the kids is often seen as something done for the benefit of the entire family. Keeping the original nuclear family together is the goal so mom and dad investing the time and energy they need into maintaining their own relationship directly benefits the children involved.

There isn't such of a direct benefit to the children for the parents and step-parents to stay together. The benefits of mom and dad not splitting up and having the family not break up have already been lost so now the kids need to come first.

The above prior poster hits it spot-on. This is the answer.

-Divorced person divorced with kids, whose new significant other has their own kids, and we have considered blending, but are not doing so.

[Anonymous]

There are situations where the mom in the first marriage sucked at parenting, as a few PPs have noted. In these situations, the dad finding a stable and kind woman who enjoys making a safe and loving home for her husband and their combined kids can be something very valuable for her step kids. And that allows the ex wife party girl to do her thing till 2am without anybody worrying about the well-being of the kids from the first marriage. And yes, some of these dads were not great cooks or homemakers and sometimes served cereal or ordered pizza for dinner in a pinch.