Why do so many women start their statements with...

[Anonymous]

I may be wrong but...
I'm probably way off base but...
Forgive me for my ignorance but...

I heard all 3 of these statements come out of the mouths of smart, educated woman at my last preschool board meeting. It is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. WHY?!?! And what can I do to make my daughter not start her thoughts that way?!

[Anonymous]

They don't want other women to think they are bitches.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a good answer but I notice it too and try to stop it whenever I hear it.

OR they finish speaking and add "I don't know" to the end.

[Anonymous]

Please, tell me where these women live so I can move there! My problem is the women who start their statements with "It's probably none of my business but...."

Seriously, it does concern me when women start apologizing for their opinions before they have even stated them, and it also makes me sad. They probably should spend some time on DCUM and get their confidence up.

[Anonymous]

I hate that too.

Though I have been guilty of the first statement, but only when I'm quoting something I read somewhere and I can't 100% remember the source. I feel like I shouldn't be stating something as gospel unless I can legitimately footnote it. hence the disclaimer. Example: "I may be remembering this incorrectly, but I read that only 3% of Planned Parenthood spending is abortion-related."

I do know that guys are less likely to make any of these statements.

[Anonymous]

I do this before I say anything! And my parents question everything that comes out of my mouth. If my brothers say it they take it as the gospel.
It's so easy to bash someone's self-esteem without even realizing it...so sad

[Anonymous]

The first one "I may be wrong but" doesn't bother me too much. The second two seem way too self-effacing.

[Anonymous]

When I first began my career I was the only female in my department. I was lucky to have a supervisor that taught me how to respond assertively in conversations and emails. Women need to calmly and directly respond to a situation. It's not always easy to do without looking like a bitch, so to make up for it, we apologize or minimize our response. You have to become emotionally detached. Be firm, be direct, take action now.

[Anonymous]

Women are socialized to be deferential.

[Anonymous]

Girls are socialized in this culture to be this way. Door mats, pushovers, martyrs, professional victims, etc.

Another version of FWIW and "Just my 2 cents".

ALL are annoying and distracting from the topic at hand.

[Anonymous]

The last time I used #3 was here on DCUM in regards to a drug issue, where, frankly, I am completely ignorant. As for why women use the phrases and similar ones reflexively? I think it is conditioning, the qualifying of thoughts and ideas. But with this conditioning it could also be that more women than men see that there is more than one answer for many issues and that there's value in getting along socially.

[Anonymous]

Ha - in MY workplace, if you DON'T use such phrases you're thought to be just this side of an actual terrorist. Speaking directly or plainly = confrontational or too aggressive. Must couch everything in the gentlest of terms.

[Anonymous]

I'll tell you why. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you simply state your opinion or suggestion, as other pps said, you are thought of as a bitch and opinionated and aggressive. All of which are considered not good traits to have. OTOH if you preface your opinion with a statement that leaves room for debate or other opinions, you are a doormat or pushover.

In my opinion, prefacing your statement does not make you a doormat - it simply lets others know that you are open to debating the topic and lets others know that you are willing to admit if you are wrong. I also use it to let others know I'm smart enough to know that I don't know everything! If you're talking about something I'm an expert in, or have studied extensively, then I won't say "I may be wrong but..." but if we're talking about something that I don't know much about - I will absolutely preface my statements with a "maybe I'm wrong, but..." and if I'm asking a question, I may start with "forgive my ignorance, but...." especially if it's a basic question about something. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll tell you why. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you simply state your opinion or suggestion, as other pps said, you are thought of as a bitch and opinionated and aggressive. All of which are considered not good traits to have. OTOH if you preface your opinion with a statement that leaves room for debate or other opinions, you are a doormat or pushover.

In my opinion, prefacing your statement does not make you a doormat - it simply lets others know that you are open to debating the topic and lets others know that you are willing to admit if you are wrong. I also use it to let others know I'm smart enough to know that I don't know everything! If you're talking about something I'm an expert in, or have studied extensively, then I won't say "I may be wrong but..." but if we're talking about something that I don't know much about - I will absolutely preface my statements with a "maybe I'm wrong, but..." and if I'm asking a question, I may start with "forgive my ignorance, but...." especially if it's a basic question about something. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

A man would not phrase his response in the same manner. You can be direct without being a bitch. If you are wrong, someone will correct you. Hell, even when you are right, someone usually tries to correct.

[Anonymous]

Its called being passive-agressive.