How do you visit multiple, rural immediate-family relatives?

[Anonymous]

So we have 2 long-distance rural relatives and 2 long distance non-rural relatives. We visit the 2 long-distance non-rural relatives 1-2xs per year but have no idea how to handle visiting rural relatives. The challenges are great 1) no direct flights 2) driving distance from nearest airports is 1-3 hours, 3) hotels are >30minute drive from their house 4) for the other there is no airport, 10 hour drive.

Of the two rural relatives one is poor and won't travel with kids. The other is retired and willing to travel. I feel guilty that we never see these two relatives, but it really is extremely hard to get to them especially dragging kids along that hate the car and car seats. Plus when you add the cost of these trips together (4 different places per year) it really adds up.

Do you have experience with this? How did you strike a balance? Did you wait until your kids were older? (Ours are 1 and 3).

[Anonymous]

The answer is that you don't have to see them every year.

How often can you reasonably travel? once a year? twice? more?

Then you make a schedule...ex: two trips a year, you travel to everyone once every other year, if they want to see you more often they have to travel to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answer is that you don't have to see them every year.

How often can you reasonably travel? once a year? twice? more?

Then you make a schedule...ex: two trips a year, you travel to everyone once every other year, if they want to see you more often they have to travel to you.

OP here, I probably should have also mentioned that neither DH nor I is from somewhere rural so our relatives moved there. The two places we visit every year are where we grew up.

Anyway, so I think its definitely reasonable to make the trip every other year. I worry about our vacation time and since it takes a whole day to travel to each of these places it would be only a short visit.

The one trip I worry is not feasible is to see my MIL. No airports, its a 10 hour drive which I just don't see happening with toddlers. She moved from an easily accessible city to somewhere completely inaccessible, but in the same town as her new husband's family and far from us. I almost feel like if you move to a rural area and far away from family the effort should be on your end. But again, I feel guilty if we don't reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

10 hours is a totally find drive with toddlers. Break it up into two days of you want. Stay in a hotel near her and make her drive to you. My kids love hotels. Get one with a pool and you are done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answer is that you don't have to see them every year.

How often can you reasonably travel? once a year? twice? more?

Then you make a schedule...ex: two trips a year, you travel to everyone once every other year, if they want to see you more often they have to travel to you.

OP here, I probably should have also mentioned that neither DH nor I is from somewhere rural so our relatives moved there. The two places we visit every year are where we grew up.

Anyway, so I think its definitely reasonable to make the trip every other year. I worry about our vacation time and since it takes a whole day to travel to each of these places it would be only a short visit.

The one trip I worry is not feasible is to see my MIL. No airports, its a 10 hour drive which I just don't see happening with toddlers. She moved from an easily accessible city to somewhere completely inaccessible, but in the same town as her new husband's family and far from us. I almost feel like if you move to a rural area and far away from family the effort should be on your end. But again, I feel guilty if we don't reciprocate.

I find of feel this way too. Do they have internet? Have a weekly "Skype with Granny" chat. Go visit her every other year and suggest that they visit you on the off years. Maybe at a special time in DC, build a family tradition around it, like Cherry Blossom festival, of mid-December to see the White House Christmas trees and go ice skating at the sculpture garden.

We would visit my great aunt in NYC every December for the Rockettes, Rockefeller center, a broadway show and other NYC touristy things. My sister and I cherished that time with her and will always remember it.

Suggest that kind of thing for your MIL, in DC, not her middle of nowhere town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answer is that you don't have to see them every year.

How often can you reasonably travel? once a year? twice? more?

Then you make a schedule...ex: two trips a year, you travel to everyone once every other year, if they want to see you more often they have to travel to you.

OP here, I probably should have also mentioned that neither DH nor I is from somewhere rural so our relatives moved there. The two places we visit every year are where we grew up.

Anyway, so I think its definitely reasonable to make the trip every other year. I worry about our vacation time and since it takes a whole day to travel to each of these places it would be only a short visit.

The one trip I worry is not feasible is to see my MIL. No airports, its a 10 hour drive which I just don't see happening with toddlers. She moved from an easily accessible city to somewhere completely inaccessible, but in the same town as her new husband's family and far from us. I almost feel like if you move to a rural area and far away from family the effort should be on your end. But again, I feel guilty if we don't reciprocate.

I agree, to a point. If you feel like your MIL is not making the effort at ALL, then obviously it's not that important to her to have your kids in her life. But if she comes to you, say, once a year, then it's reasonable for you to go to her once a year or every other year. But everyone is busy and ultimately you and your DH have to decide (together) how much of a role your extended family is going to play in your kids' lives. Life's too short to go purely out of guilt, but if you want your kids to have true relationships with these people, you're going to have to make sure they see them, one way or the other. I don't know if they are nice people or not, and I don't know how you feel about family in general. It's up to you AND DH to figure that out.

Where does your MIL live that's within a 10-hour drive of DC but has no closer airport, anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answer is that you don't have to see them every year.

How often can you reasonably travel? once a year? twice? more?

Then you make a schedule...ex: two trips a year, you travel to everyone once every other year, if they want to see you more often they have to travel to you.

OP here, I probably should have also mentioned that neither DH nor I is from somewhere rural so our relatives moved there. The two places we visit every year are where we grew up.

Anyway, so I think its definitely reasonable to make the trip every other year. I worry about our vacation time and since it takes a whole day to travel to each of these places it would be only a short visit.

The one trip I worry is not feasible is to see my MIL. No airports, its a 10 hour drive which I just don't see happening with toddlers. She moved from an easily accessible city to somewhere completely inaccessible, but in the same town as her new husband's family and far from us. I almost feel like if you move to a rural area and far away from family the effort should be on your end. But again, I feel guilty if we don't reciprocate.

I agree, to a point. If you feel like your MIL is not making the effort at ALL, then obviously it's not that important to her to have your kids in her life. But if she comes to you, say, once a year, then it's reasonable for you to go to her once a year or every other year. But everyone is busy and ultimately you and your DH have to decide (together) how much of a role your extended family is going to play in your kids' lives. Life's too short to go purely out of guilt, but if you want your kids to have true relationships with these people, you're going to have to make sure they see them, one way or the other. I don't know if they are nice people or not, and I don't know how you feel about family in general. It's up to you AND DH to figure that out.

Where does your MIL live that's within a 10-hour drive of DC but has no closer airport, anyway?

Rural TN. Nearest airport is a 5 hour drive.

She does make an effort, which is why I feel guilty that we haven't yet visited her.

We have a good relationship with her, but visits aren't very enjoyable. In the sense that DH and I like to do things and we have two energetic kids, so really we HAVE to do something that involves moving and they prefer to watch t.v. all day. The last time they visited they sat on our couch the entire time and didn't want to do anything (playgrounds, museums, etc). So I'm fearful of spending 20 hours driving to watch t.v. in someone else's house.

[Anonymous]

A suggestion for the MIL, pick a destination somewhere between, say 4-6 hour drive for each of you. Rent a 3-br condo (one for you & spouse, one for kids, one for MIL & spouse) for anywhere from 3-6 days and spend the time together. If you're paying for the condo and bringing her grandchildren, she should be up for just driving half the distance to you. From the sounds of it, you'd have to pay for lodging near her anyways, and if you pick a less expensive destination, then you might be able to break even on a larger place/condo that would cost close to what you'd have to pay for a hotel 30 minutes from her. My wife has an out-of-town specialist surgeon where we've traveled many times. For some of the surgeries, my MIL has wanted to come along. I've found that sometimes the two bedroom Residence Inn suites are cheaper than getting two separate hotel rooms, plus we get a living room and kitchen and so when my wife is recovering from surgery, I can cook in and she doesn't have to leave the room. It's not luxurious, but it is comfortable.

As an example, if she lives in Florida or Georgia, then meet in the Carolinas somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answer is that you don't have to see them every year.

How often can you reasonably travel? once a year? twice? more?

Then you make a schedule...ex: two trips a year, you travel to everyone once every other year, if they want to see you more often they have to travel to you.

OP here, I probably should have also mentioned that neither DH nor I is from somewhere rural so our relatives moved there. The two places we visit every year are where we grew up.

Anyway, so I think its definitely reasonable to make the trip every other year. I worry about our vacation time and since it takes a whole day to travel to each of these places it would be only a short visit.

The one trip I worry is not feasible is to see my MIL. No airports, its a 10 hour drive which I just don't see happening with toddlers. She moved from an easily accessible city to somewhere completely inaccessible, but in the same town as her new husband's family and far from us. I almost feel like if you move to a rural area and far away from family the effort should be on your end. But again, I feel guilty if we don't reciprocate.

I find of feel this way too. Do they have internet? Have a weekly "Skype with Granny" chat. Go visit her every other year and suggest that they visit you on the off years. Maybe at a special time in DC, build a family tradition around it, like Cherry Blossom festival, of mid-December to see the White House Christmas trees and go ice skating at the sculpture garden.

We would visit my great aunt in NYC every December for the Rockettes, Rockefeller center, a broadway show and other NYC touristy things. My sister and I cherished that time with her and will always remember it.

Suggest that kind of thing for your MIL, in DC, not her middle of nowhere town.

This is a great idea and we've done it for our other parents. However my MIL is not computer-capable.

Maybe we could convince people to do a joint visit somewhere, but its tough since my in-laws are divorced and they don't enjoy doing things on the town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A suggestion for the MIL, pick a destination somewhere between, say 4-6 hour drive for each of you. Rent a 3-br condo (one for you & spouse, one for kids, one for MIL & spouse) for anywhere from 3-6 days and spend the time together. If you're paying for the condo and bringing her grandchildren, she should be up for just driving half the distance to you. From the sounds of it, you'd have to pay for lodging near her anyways, and if you pick a less expensive destination, then you might be able to break even on a larger place/condo that would cost close to what you'd have to pay for a hotel 30 minutes from her. My wife has an out-of-town specialist surgeon where we've traveled many times. For some of the surgeries, my MIL has wanted to come along. I've found that sometimes the two bedroom Residence Inn suites are cheaper than getting two separate hotel rooms, plus we get a living room and kitchen and so when my wife is recovering from surgery, I can cook in and she doesn't have to leave the room. It's not luxurious, but it is comfortable.

As an example, if she lives in Florida or Georgia, then meet in the Carolinas somewhere.

Since you said rural Tennessee (saw it after I posted the above), try Roanoke or Winstem-Salem as a nice mid-way point to meet.

[Anonymous]

Or Asheville, NC.

OP, I feel you - we're visiting extended family in northeastern Nebraska this summer and have never been before with kids because it's such a PITA to get there, plus my husband's grandmother died right before our first was born so there are only aunts/uncles/cousins there now. We are renting a house there for almost a week, which makes the flight to Minneapolis/tiny plane into one of two tiny airports/two-hour drive a bit more worth it.