Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are really deluding themselves on this board. If your DH left you tomorrow and you had a toddler, you can't really expect us all to believe that you're truly going to spend the next 16 years of your life alone because that's "best" for the kid. Come on.

Actually, I would stay alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Seriously? You can't understand why your ex is no longer coming to hang out with you and the kids at your house on Friday nights now that he's in a relationship? If you wanted that you should have stayed married. Divorce means things change and people move on. This doesn't mean he can't still be a great Dad, but it means things will change. Help your kids understand that versus piling on about Dad putting others first.

No, I want to be very clear here. As I said, I encouraged my ex to take the kids to his girlfriend's house where he moved in with her. If that wasn't good for whatever reason, I encouraged him to take them out to dinner with or without her. Instead he has chosen simply not to see them on weekend nights. The only thing I have objected to is when he takes them to her house and then leaves them alone there while he goes out with his girlfriend for the evening.

Of course divorce means change. Our kids have adjusted to plenty of change. I don't expect my ex to come over to my house as often as he did previously. In fact, although I am very welcoming to him, I would be happy to see less of him. I don't actually want him here that often, but I have long recognized that if I didn't facilitate visitation in this way it wouldn't happen or it would happen in an unsafe environment. ExDH clearly agrees since our arrangement is entirely by mutual consent and he has never filed for more time with the kids.

Remarriage doesn't mean that kids should see their parents less often than they did previously. That is what is going on here.

While divorce may mean change and "people move on," you can't simply "move on" from your responsibilities to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex has remarried and our only child, the child of the first marriage, definitely does not come first. They put themselves first all the time. It's pathetic. I've heard my child arguing with his father on the phone, standing up for himself. I'm more familiar with children of the first marriage getting screwed in the long run -- especially in wills when there are children in the second marriage.

+1. My daughter berates her father for not signing up for his fair share of carpool slots her activities; then she has to nag him to show up on the right day, time and place. It's pathetic. In some ways I'm glad to see her standing up for herself. I have long since given up that fight, preferring to just do things on my own or arrange other family members who are reliable. I don't see it as my job anymore to remind him what he is supposed to be doing and how he is supposed to be behaving. But, in other ways I worry that the message she is learning is that all men are like this and this is all she can expect from guys in the future.

[Anonymous]

In many cases it looks that way from the viewpoint of an insecure "spouse" in the new relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment

+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.

Blended families are high drama, high stress environments for everyone involved. That is not fair to the children, who didn't ask for the divorce and who can't say "no" to a new step-parent and who can't move out before they are 18.

You shouldn't remarry if you are divorced and have kids. It's never good for the kids. The person most likely to abuse or molest your child is your new boyfriend or husband. That's an extreme example, but the spectrum of shitty parenting by step-parents is both broad and deep.

This is such complete nonsense. Your absolutism is ridiculous, as is your fear mongering that step-parents are abusers.

You might not like it but the statistics are clear that step-parents are far more likely to be abusive to their step-children than biological parents are to the same children. That doesn't mean that all step-parents are abusers, but if you intend to protect your children, you shouldn't have a step-parent in the house. Step-parents are statistically much more dangerous to children than strangers. No one would question keeping a stranger out of the house or away from kids. Same thing with step-parents.

Date whoever you like, but don't marry them and don't let them live in your house with your kids.

I also have the same belief. If DH and I were to divorce I would be very cautious in dating again. I don't believe all step parents are bad, but I've just seen to much. Sometimes abusers purposefully target women with children. And unfortunately once something bad happens to your child it can take a lifetime to undo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are really deluding themselves on this board. If your DH left you tomorrow and you had a toddler, you can't really expect us all to believe that you're truly going to spend the next 16 years of your life alone because that's "best" for the kid. Come on.

Actually, I would stay alone.

You can date. You just shouldn't remarry or move some guy in with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In many cases it looks that way from the viewpoint of an insecure "spouse" in the new relationship.

Maybe but isn't it a parent's duty to:

1) ask why relationship ended, each party's role and how to change;
2) seriously consider the future spouse's maturity level and ability to handle step-parenting or at least not be jealous of a child;
3) go to pre-marriage/pre-Cana counseling to discuss these issues;
4) review the divorce settlement and get a prenup with new spouse before walking down the aisle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, child of first marriage here.

Spousal relationship of second marriage came first, and was very apparent once parent and step-parent had their own child. One by one, my siblings and I were made to feel like outsiders.

None of us "children from Jim's former marriage" have been in the picture for decades.

As a parent, I always wonder how my dad could let this happen to each of us (we are all in different US geographic locations, have different personalities, different timing and reasons of phasing out communications). To this day, still stuns me.

My Dad and step mom uninvited me to their wedding when I was in first grade. Took down all the photos of me, didn't include me on Christmas cards (but did include their subsequent children) etc. I hear you. I will never forgive my dad for this, and he will never see how this was wrong. We've talked about it and he says, "well (Step mom) is on one side and you are on the other." I need more xanax.

This is awful. PP, you deserve better from your father.

[Anonymous]

To all of the people who try to justify their divorces by saying that it's bad for kids to see parents not modeling perfect love:

Step-parents are NOT ideal for kids. They just don't love the kids the same way, and that fact will permeate everything in the future, right on down to how to handle grand-kids.

My own story:

My stepdad and mom got married a few years after my dad died, and my stepdad started running the family business alongside my mom, right in my father's place. He was dead broke at the time, he is now a multi-millionaire. Yet he refused to let me brother enter the family business, as a real father surely would have prioritized. Makes my blood boil thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all of the people who try to justify their divorces by saying that it's bad for kids to see parents not modeling perfect love:

Step-parents are NOT ideal for kids. They just don't love the kids the same way, and that fact will permeate everything in the future, right on down to how to handle grand-kids.

My own story:

My stepdad and mom got married a few years after my dad died, and my stepdad started running the family business alongside my mom, right in my father's place. He was dead broke at the time, he is now a multi-millionaire. Yet he refused to let me brother enter the family business, as a real father surely would have prioritized. Makes my blood boil thinking about it.

That's unfair. While it is true in many cases, it is far from true in all cases. There are many, many loving step-parents who work with the biological parents to create good environments for their children.

My brother and his first wife divorced when my nieces were 4 and 6. My xSIL remarried about 3 years later. Her new husband and his two boys fully embraced their new blended family. They and my brother shared holidays and child duties through my nieces' childhoods. When my nieces were teens, my brother met his now wife, who had 4 kids form her first marriage. They decided to hold off on getting married until her youngest graduated from high school to avoid any issues with child support, etc. When they got married, their 6 kids (then ranging from 18-28) were the bridal party. My nieces are very, very appreciative of their extended family which includes 2 brothers on one side and 3 sisters and another brother on the other side. My xSIL and her husband have stayed on good terms with my family and recently came and stayed a weekend at our house. She's still aunt to my younger children and we've had a wonderful blended family. Both of my niece's step-parents care for them very, very much and consider themselves to be the girls' loving step-parent. I've known quite a number of blended families where the step-parents work hand-in-hand with the biological parents to create a loving and nurturing relationship. I've found that as long as the divorced spouses can put the children's needs first, that you get the most loving households for the kids. Those who prioritize the new marriage over the children are the ones that have the often strained relationships over time.

So, prioritize the children and do what's best for them. If you and your new significant other can prioritize any children that either of you have before your marriage, then you can marry while they are minors, but otherwise, just date and keep them a priority. Just remember that you made the commitment to parent these children before you made a commitment to your new spouse. Honor your commitments.

[Anonymous]

These responses blow me away. I feel that no one sees the larger picture.
First of all, what does it look like to put a spouse first? Or a child first?

If a child is used to sleeping in daddy’s bed on his weekends should his new spouse take the couch with a smile? Or should he choose to sleep next to his wife and explain to the child that daddy still loves (child) very much, and although the bedtime routine will have to change , daddy will always make it special bc he has enough love for (all kids) and (new wife) plus more to spare. Daddy could further explain how his new wife is not a replacement for their mommy , shes is daddys 2nd chance romantic love and should be respected just as daddy respects her.

I dont care if its a nuclear family or a blended family, a child needs to stay in the child role, so they learn how to treat others and maintain positive fulfilling relationships. When a childs WANTS are put over a spouses NEEDS, a child ends up being put in the adult role which skew every expectation in relationships toward toxicity. It also sets the parents child relationship up for codependency.

Putting the childs NEEDS before the spouses NEEDS is a scenerio that is extremely RARE! Its a choice no one would ever want to make. Its final, so both existing after the decision isnt a thing.

I hope none of you remarry. I feel sorry for your future spouse and children,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment

+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.

Blended families are high drama, high stress environments for everyone involved. That is not fair to the children, who didn't ask for the divorce and who can't say "no" to a new step-parent and who can't move out before they are 18.

You shouldn't remarry if you are divorced and have kids. It's never good for the kids. The person most likely to abuse or molest your child is your new boyfriend or husband. That's an extreme example, but the spectrum of shitty parenting by step-parents is both broad and deep.

This is such complete nonsense. Your absolutism is ridiculous, as is your fear mongering that step-parents are abusers.

You might not like it but the statistics are clear that step-parents are far more likely to be abusive to their step-children than biological parents are to the same children. That doesn't mean that all step-parents are abusers, but if you intend to protect your children, you shouldn't have a step-parent in the house. Step-parents are statistically much more dangerous to children than strangers. No one would question keeping a stranger out of the house or away from kids. Same thing with step-parents.

Date whoever you like, but don't marry them and don't let them live in your house with your kids.

Children are also molested by teachers, religious leaders, sports coaches, and extended family members. They are also abused by biological parents and siblings. If you "intend to protect your children" you should make sure to avoid all those things too. Also cars. Cars are very dangerous for children. Avoid them, if you intend to protect your children.

Are you seriously suggesting that anyone who remarries doesn't want to protect their kids? Just keep making yourself sound crazy.

You sound both naïve and self-centered.

Out of all those groups, step-parents are the worst offenders. The rate of abuse by step-parents is about 50 times the rate by parents, and much higher than any of those other groups.

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/21838575/ns/health-childrens_health/t/children-higher-risk-nontraditional-homes/

Avoiding remarriage until your kids are out of the house is the safest course. I absolutely do judge people who move husbands or boyfriends into a household with their children because of the potential for abuse.

Its not just boyfriends or husbands. Ex-h’s live-in girlfriend has abused our child both verbally and attempted to physically as well. This woman will forever alter the relationship bw child and father. Here, the kids don’t come first, and it is an absolute disaster.

[Anonymous]

My stepfather got drunk on my 12th birthday and slammed my head into a toilet like he was going to drown me, and then pulled me out and picked me up and threw me across the room and against the wall. He and my mom weren’t married yet. But she ended up marrying him anyway. Things did not get better. She would say to me “It’s my time now.” After she and my dad got divorced she was just furious that she had kids. She considered us to be in the way of her having fun and finding a new husband. FWIW, I’m pretty sure my entire life had been “her time.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepfather got drunk on my 12th birthday and slammed my head into a toilet like he was going to drown me, and then pulled me out and picked me up and threw me across the room and against the wall. He and my mom weren’t married yet. But she ended up marrying him anyway. Things did not get better. She would say to me “It’s my time now.” After she and my dad got divorced she was just furious that she had kids. She considered us to be in the way of her having fun and finding a new husband. FWIW, I’m pretty sure my entire life had been “her time.”

I’m so sorry you went through this

[Anonymous]

This thread is from 2015