My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

Are you on medication? If not I'd start there and in therapy to find out why you have the need to control people and an unhealthy obsession with order / what is perceived as unclean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, where does your husband fall on the dad privilege checklist? https://www.amazon.com/BRACE-RCA-Treatment-Support-Regular/dp/B00PFUPRQ2/ref=sr_1_3?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.AliU3dnWEF_mzuwtE7h6KuLOORdSiAsb0HBTk-A-YdqxPmEvOIs9r103U68Aij7blBCmY1G8dGjOVj-94jkaXmv4Fi-2efNYbGtOERK2VHPy_gb1ytbyfABGNpZhHW1Xsjz-z9pmOzTcrcct-VqxDZorayb3gr-nXBVVuNBpScvmNggl5TPv-9MObZX6t6Bazrq2CFqmlWX2aet0kGjuFbpFIJevtOhVLTO0mUm0b38.SZzynemBAOLAMEXF2CuGpH-McTQfFOgpFla_uIechbE&dib_tag=se&keywords=M%2BBRACE%2BRCA&qid=1714997948&sr=8-3&th=1

oops! This is the url: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1202929.page

[Anonymous]

Excellent list of what needs to happen in a household with kids. Even if one adult “parent” is ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad I live with another relaxed person (or slob, YMMV). Yeah, we try to put our dishes in the sink 90% of the time. But once in a while, do we put an empty, kinda clean plate on the couch? Yes we do. Because that’s the awesome part about being an adult, no one is going to yell at you because you ate ice cream for dinner this one time, or stayed up late, or put a dish on the sofa (that you paid for).

I get it, if he’s a gross pig making messes he expects you to clean up, or a weird hoarder & you have mouse droppings everywhere, then yeah, drop the hammer on this idiot. But if he puts an empty plate on the sofa until the end of the movie…that seems within the boundaries of permissible for a responsible adult. And if I were a responsible adult & had a spouse policing my activities to this degree, I’d be annoyed. Why can’t you chill a little & enjoying the perks of being a grownup in your own damn house? There is no law against putting an empty plate on the couch for 45 minutes. Live a little!

I genuinely hope this OP is a troll. Because otherwise her kids are having SUCH a sad childhood with her as a mom. No value on shared happy times or connection, just control and lashing out. They love their dad and likely enjoy his company a lot more since he is more relaxed. OP always being at him must also stress them out.

DP, I am someone who has trouble relaxing when I see clutter/mess. But I understand that is *my* issue. So if the plate was bothering me that much, I’d clear everything away to the kitchen myself. But most likely I’d just let something like this go because the bottom of a plate is unlikely to make the sofa a mess. And the whole point of trying to keep my home nice is so that my family can enjoy it. I remind myself that a couch that is used for pizza/movie night (even with a plate touching it) is a better investment than a couch that my family feels uncomfortable on because mom might snap and start a fight.

And ya know what, if there had been sauce on the plate and it got messy, then DH could clean that up. If he didn’t then OP would have a point. But also just get a performance fabric or slipcover so you can enjoy your home.

[Anonymous]

I loved left over pasta or pizza plates that flipped over on the couch fabric when something sits near. Good stuff.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I haven't read this entire thing, but OP, I identify with your post so much. I really struggle with all the little tiny stupid shit my husband does (and doesn't do). All in, he's a terrific partner and father, even if he (and he readily admits) his challenges (which, sometimes pile up and I end up picking the worst tiny hill to die on).

I give myself tons of pep talks to avoid blowing up - remind myself that I'm not perfect, that he does lots of good things right, etc., and yet I still inevitably end up keeping score.

But I'm obviously reading all the responses too, and I'm sure I would get them too. I don't want to be that mom/wife.

I literally went to the library just now to pick up a book recommended early in the chat - "This is How Your Marriage Ends". I am resolved to fix what I can - how I respond.

[Anonymous]

Or that website by the divorced who knows The dirty dishes left out for the magic ferry or by the sink didn’t break the marriage.
The lack of respect did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are on the same page with the big things that matter... finances, parenting, how to raise our kids, work/life balance etc. but I swear sometimes I feel like our marriage is going to fall apart over the little things. For example, last night we were watching a movie while having dinner since there was no school for FCPS today so we though it would be a treat to eat while watching a movie, something we dont usually do.

When the movie was over I noticed DH had put his plate on the couch after he ate dinner. I was shocked and said "You put the dirty plate on the couch?" He answered with "I didnt want to put it on the new glass coffee table and the plate is basically clean since we ate pizza so yes I left the plate on the couch." I asked why didnt he just quickly walk it over to the sink and he said "This is one of those things between you and I where we are just going to have to agree to disagree. You think putting the dirty plate on the couch is not ok and I do."

That was enough to ruin the rest of the night. After kids went to bed, DH and I went our different ways. I was so frustrated thinking to myself...Is he kidding me... you are going to double down and say that it's ok to put a dirty plate on the couch when the sink is around the corner? What kind of message does that send to the kids?

The thing is that this one isolated thing feels stupid but lately ... I'd say over the last year DH and I have these very intense disagreements over very little things and each of these is adding up.

This morning DH woke up as if nothing happened. When I shared with him my feelings he conceded that I was right. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about him doubling down on these almost meaningless things, not budging at all, telling me he doesnt want to talk about it because he feels a certain way and I do another and there is no way to work around it. It's not after there is a big blow up that he may concede that maybe he didnt go about it the right way.

I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

I dont see a way out of this dynamic we have. It's not big enough to go to couple's therapy but it's big enough that is impacting my day to day and this is not the type of home life I want to settle for. :::SIGH:::

Are you kidding? You are so deading over a plate on a sofa? You probably will get a divorce because you will drive him crazy as well as your children.

[Anonymous]

You are 100% in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

[Anonymous]

PP here whose husband has the socks and dishes - it's called "the Bickersons." Those couples who fight and bicker about every little thing. You are right it is not a great environment, but a lot of couples are like this. You can only really change yourself here. You have told your husband how he feels and he doesn't seem to nail it every time. Do you need to bring it up or can you move on?

Again, it's not about someone being right or wrong, it's about living with other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You let the little shit go and he lets the little shit go. Its the only way it works. We are not clones and not ideal humans.

This. Sometimes I find myself nit picking my DH over little things. I end up frustrated and he ends up annoyed. And it's really little things, like you describe. I try to stop myself and just move through that moment when I think "ugh why did you do X". I think of all the little stuff I do that's annoying that he never mentions. And I just move. It's a skill I didn't really need as much the first 10 years of my marriage, but I've found as my kids have gotten bigger and our problems have actually gotten smaller, I focus on The Little Stuff too much.

Now this is me, not you. But you've got to let it go. If you can't, you need to spend time figuring out why you can't. If he's not pulling his weight with chores, that a different conversation and should be had more broadly, not during testy times.

[Anonymous]

Many his mother has some tips. Or did they have maids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

One of my family members regularly leaves their socks under the coffee table. They're 5. They're learning. I don't know what your DH's excuse is or why he can't clean up behind himself like a normal adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved left over pasta or pizza plates that flipped over on the couch fabric when something sits near. Good stuff.

You can't worry about that. Then you're not a cool mom. You're just too uptight. Just, like, let the plate flip. Laugh about it. Sing when you're trying to get sauce out of your cushions because you're super laid back.