The Dad Privilege Checklist

[Anonymous]

My husband works full time and I work part time. I am responsible for most of the things on the list although I have full confidence that my husband could handle these things if necessary. Interesting that the list doesn't mention women's privilege of not being judged for choosing to work less than full time.

Also the last bullet point, "No matter how much my partner suffers, I will never conclude that it would be fair for me to do more than her. If she has a miscarriage, I'll still be able to count on her to run the household. If she has surgery or gives birth, she will continue to care for our kids. If her parents die, she will continue to do more to care for me than I do to care for her. If our child dies, she will be the one to plan their funeral. And very likely, I will offer her no emotional support through any of these challenges, and society will not judge me for my failure to do so," is absolutely unhinged.

No emotional support at all, really? The man callously refuses to help the woman after childbirth or surgery? I'm sure there are men out there who act like this, but acting like that is a norm is a stretch. The author of this piece clearly hates men. I am grateful that I don't subscribe to this type of feminism because it seems like a miserable way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This again guys? Look, we know there are some men out there who do 50% or more. But they are rare. Actual, objective research time and time again shows women do more domestic labor even if they also work outside the home. The whole “default parent” thing is true for many of us.

What resonated most for me on the list is the freedom men have to just assume the mom will handle things. Even if the dad does some of the things on that list 9/10 the mom has set it up or monitors it in some way. I happen to have an extreme version of default parenting that has led to divorce. At the end of the day, it was his complete freedom vs my complete lack of freedom that really soured me, more than the actual work I had to do. Time and time again, being treated like the maid, chef and nanny as he just … walked out the door to do whatever tf he wanted to do … really got demoralizing

Is there a word for task blindness? My husband can see that lawn needs to get mowed or a diaper needs to be changed but things like buying a gift to a child's birthday (that he rsvped to attend) or making dentist appointmentd does not exist for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here. I find the list incredibly insulting.

Granted, my wife works longer hours than I do, and as a result I probably do more than most fathers, but still:

“If I experience any stress at all while my partner is recovering from giving birth, people will tell her to do more for me. No one will ever tell me to do more for her, no matter how much she does or how little I do.” This is just arrant nonsense…

I agree that this is far fetched and ridiculous but I also believe it's happened to some women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an idiotic list.

+1

3rd response in nailed it. If women married idiots who don't value equity, then they raise children with idiots who don't value equity. If they hold themselves to a higher standard, then they will marry a higher standard and raise children to a higher standard. Stop b!+ching and moaning and take responsibility for your lives before you marry. Raise your kids to value equity.

My husband can substitute for me almost seamlessly and I for him. I handle more of the emotional baggage, but he does more logistical- like waiting by the computer to register them for camps that fill up in 10 min or ensuring all the school/camp medical forms are completed and mailed directly, even to the complicated out of state camps. I'm simply better at empathy and understanding and he's better at logistics. We divide most HH chores and child rearing, not equally but in equity. We use our strengths.

Oh and I bring in 50% of our HHI, so he doesn't have all the stress if there's a layoff at work or something goes wrong.

Marriages work back and forth. It's a partnership, equal.

[Anonymous]

This list is very real for me. My husband, who is generally regarded as a nice guy and good dad, basically only performs tasks with direction and operates under the assumption that I’m the default for our kids at all times. I make more money than him by a smidge and work a fairly stressful job so the resentment can be strong at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This list is very real for me. My husband, who is generally regarded as a nice guy and good dad, basically only performs tasks with direction and operates under the assumption that I’m the default for our kids at all times. I make more money than him by a smidge and work a fairly stressful job so the resentment can be strong at times.

same girl, same. that feeling when he just… walks out of the house to go to the gym; or announces “I have to do a lot of work on my report this weekend.”

[Anonymous]

It's a pretty obnoxious article. The message would be very thought provoking and would be taken very seriously if they hadn't pushed the most extreme examples

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad here. I find the list incredibly insulting.

Granted, my wife works longer hours than I do, and as a result I probably do more than most fathers, but still:

“If I experience any stress at all while my partner is recovering from giving birth, people will tell her to do more for me. No one will ever tell me to do more for her, no matter how much she does or how little I do.” This is just arrant nonsense…

I agree that this is far fetched and ridiculous but I also believe it's happened to some women.

Curious that he would be insulted by the women saying yes, this is my reality - instead of being mad at his fellow dads who are engaging in the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Look. I get that we have a problem with women bearing the unfair brunt of domestic and familiar burdens.

But at the same time this list is sexist. It hits on a lot of pain points but it also implies men are dumb and lazy.

I don't like it.

- a woman who has a pretty even deal with my husband and realizes we ALL benefit from having one child that we can both manage while tending to ourselves and our careers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look. I get that we have a problem with women bearing the unfair brunt of domestic and familiar burdens.

But at the same time this list is sexist. It hits on a lot of pain points but it also implies men are dumb and lazy.

I don't like it.

- a woman who has a pretty even deal with my husband and realizes we ALL benefit from having one child that we can both manage while tending to ourselves and our careers

Hey the actual research shows that as a group men ARE lazy. what’s wrong with pointing that out? Don’t like it, stop being lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look. I get that we have a problem with women bearing the unfair brunt of domestic and familiar burdens.

But at the same time this list is sexist. It hits on a lot of pain points but it also implies men are dumb and lazy.

I don't like it.

- a woman who has a pretty even deal with my husband and realizes we ALL benefit from having one child that we can both manage while tending to ourselves and our careers

Hey the actual research shows that as a group men ARE lazy. what’s wrong with pointing that out? Don’t like it, stop being lazy.

I don't think generalizations like this are helpful or productive. There are better ways to point out the inequities. I think this reads as somewhat reductive to women because it implies that women ARE better at this and more suited. It's not a great look, for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look. I get that we have a problem with women bearing the unfair brunt of domestic and familiar burdens.

But at the same time this list is sexist. It hits on a lot of pain points but it also implies men are dumb and lazy.

I don't like it.

- a woman who has a pretty even deal with my husband and realizes we ALL benefit from having one child that we can both manage while tending to ourselves and our careers

Hey the actual research shows that as a group men ARE lazy. what’s wrong with pointing that out? Don’t like it, stop being lazy.

I don't think generalizations like this are helpful or productive. There are better ways to point out the inequities. I think this reads as somewhat reductive to women because it implies that women ARE better at this and more suited. It's not a great look, for me.

the generalizations literally come from academic research into time-use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I clean a portion of the house, I will leave a pile of items that I either do not want to put away, or that I do not know where to put. My partner will put them away.

This is the bullet that broke me. My husband has never done more than 80% of a chore and this bullet sums up how he acts when encountering any object.

Yes. My husband — who really sold himself as a feminist when we married — does not know where anything in this house other than his own belongings go. We have lived here 12 years. He says “it’s not my stuff.” So I guess the kitchen cooking stuff, the food in the pantry, the kids toys are alll….my stuff? About 80% of the stuff on this list applies to him, and the stuff that doesn’t is because I’m just not going to do things like his laundry, his dry-cleaning, presents for his family, holiday cards (although those I did do for the about 10 years).

My brothers, who are older, are actually not this way. I think because we grew up in a house where everyone worked and did chores so that’s their baseline.

Here’s another not added to the list “I do not need to know the names of my kids’ teachers, or anything about those teachers personalities or expectations.”

We've lived in the same house for 12 years and done minimal rearranging since move-in day. And still, all these years later, my husband will unload the dishwasher and leave things on the counter because he "doesn't know where they go." Or if he folds laundry, he'll leave my stuff in a pile for the same reason.

The problem isn't that he doesn't know where they go. It's that he's never tried to learn where they go. The "not my stuff" argument kills me. The reusable glass container, school paperwork, baking dish, new dog toys, and vacuum bags are also not my own personal stuff, so that's not a valid reason to leave them on the counter for a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This list is very real for me. My husband, who is generally regarded as a nice guy and good dad, basically only performs tasks with direction and operates under the assumption that I’m the default for our kids at all times. I make more money than him by a smidge and work a fairly stressful job so the resentment can be strong at times.

same girl, same. that feeling when he just… walks out of the house to go to the gym; or announces “I have to do a lot of work on my report this weekend.”

Do you ever do the same? Just walk out to go for a walk, to the bookstore, whatever?

[Anonymous]

This list and thread makes me appreciate my husband. Some of yall apparently got some real duds. Sorry about that for you.