95 percent of this list applies to my husband. and he's a nice guy. But there are many more expectations of women than men. And he's autistic/adhd so a lot of this falls to me |
I’m incredibly organized and detail oriented with a job that gives me great flexibility. Handling the parenting detail is pretty easy for me. My husband has a very big job with long hours but he is great father and husband. When he’s home he is all in and is alway busy doing tons of things not on that list. He handles many things I don’t even think about because he just does them. I do many things he doesn’t have to think about. It works! If I shared that list with him he’d ask if I was trying to start a fight which we never have! |
Feminism was never about equality; it was always about supremacy. |
I make things hard too sometimes. Your husband never patiently explains anything to you? I’ve rarely met a couple without complementary areas of knowledge. But some women seem to think it is a great imposition. Also, if he were a bachelor, he wouldn’t have cleaned for his OWN mother. In the back of his mind, he’s thinking this is important to YOU, and you’re not concerned at all that it’s not important to HIM. Why not do things his way? THAT is female privilege: the ability to whine that any differing opinion is an example of MALE privilege and somehow is oppressive to you. You don’t want a partner with his own opinion, or with negotiating power, you want him just to say “yes dear.” Which is why, usually, husband complains and then picks up the kids. |
Would say at least 75% applies to my husband and he’s not Autistic. But I and he both get told constantly what a “great dad” he is and how “lucky” I am. And he is and I am. And still, it sucks to be the one doing all the list things. |
I guess we read the post differently. I do see an observation that men tend to, in general, give less of a shit what other people think. I don't see anything about their "superior ability not to feel judgment", that's a value lens you've applied that isn't inherently there. I do agree that clearly more of the judgment is applied towards moms and people feel more free to comment towards moms. I think this could also be in part because people fear men more... if I get in a confrontation with a man, there's a chance he becomes physical... if I get in a confrontation with a woman, worst case it's a yelling match. So people are less willing to comment towards dads. Explains why while I do hear plenty of judgment directed towards dads, it's rarely if ever said to their faces. I don't think any of this negates PP's observation that in general men also tend to be less bothered by whatever judgment they might receive. I also don't think that trait is necessarily the "superior" one, as you put it. |
The list was definitely illuminating. There's a lot of things that don't apply to my family (I would say my husband is honestly better at solo parenting and solo bedtimes than I am)
I do remember one time I asked my husband to do the birthday party invites and boy did he whine and moan about having to copy and paste some some emails from the preschool directory. |
The dishes, and so much more, wouldn’t get done if it weren’t for me. Sure mom does some stuff, but when she goes out of town I handle it all just fine and the house is sparkling upon her return. When I go out of town, dishes, laundry, and of course all yard work, are waiting for me. I know many dads who experience the same. We just grind it out and don’t get a martyr complex. This list is complete BS. |
So true. There was a professor at my college who explained that equality wouldn’t be possible until women had decades of being by themselves in positions of power and men were subordinate. Once they occupied these positions for long enough to eliminate the systemic inequities, then equality would be possible. She was part of a whole school of thought and I’ve encountered it numerous times in my life. Real extremist stuff, but it’s pretty common. |
Yes. My husband — who really sold himself as a feminist when we married — does not know where anything in this house other than his own belongings go. We have lived here 12 years. He says “it’s not my stuff.” So I guess the kitchen cooking stuff, the food in the pantry, the kids toys are alll….my stuff? About 80% of the stuff on this list applies to him, and the stuff that doesn’t is because I’m just not going to do things like his laundry, his dry-cleaning, presents for his family, holiday cards (although those I did do for the about 10 years). My brothers, who are older, are actually not this way. I think because we grew up in a house where everyone worked and did chores so that’s their baseline. Here’s another not added to the list “I do not need to know the names of my kids’ teachers, or anything about those teachers personalities or expectations.” |
My husband works full time and I work part time. I am responsible for most of the things on the list although I have full confidence that my husband could handle these things if necessary. Interesting that the list doesn't mention women's privilege of not being judged for choosing to work less than full time.
Also the last bullet point, "No matter how much my partner suffers, I will never conclude that it would be fair for me to do more than her. If she has a miscarriage, I'll still be able to count on her to run the household. If she has surgery or gives birth, she will continue to care for our kids. If her parents die, she will continue to do more to care for me than I do to care for her. If our child dies, she will be the one to plan their funeral. And very likely, I will offer her no emotional support through any of these challenges, and society will not judge me for my failure to do so," is absolutely unhinged. No emotional support at all, really? The man callously refuses to help the woman after childbirth or surgery? I'm sure there are men out there who act like this, but acting like that is a norm is a stretch. The author of this piece clearly hates men. I am grateful that I don't subscribe to this type of feminism because it seems like a miserable way to live. |
Is there a word for task blindness? My husband can see that lawn needs to get mowed or a diaper needs to be changed but things like buying a gift to a child's birthday (that he rsvped to attend) or making dentist appointmentd does not exist for him. |
I agree that this is far fetched and ridiculous but I also believe it's happened to some women. |
+1 3rd response in nailed it. If women married idiots who don't value equity, then they raise children with idiots who don't value equity. If they hold themselves to a higher standard, then they will marry a higher standard and raise children to a higher standard. Stop b!+ching and moaning and take responsibility for your lives before you marry. Raise your kids to value equity. My husband can substitute for me almost seamlessly and I for him. I handle more of the emotional baggage, but he does more logistical- like waiting by the computer to register them for camps that fill up in 10 min or ensuring all the school/camp medical forms are completed and mailed directly, even to the complicated out of state camps. I'm simply better at empathy and understanding and he's better at logistics. We divide most HH chores and child rearing, not equally but in equity. We use our strengths. Oh and I bring in 50% of our HHI, so he doesn't have all the stress if there's a layoff at work or something goes wrong. Marriages work back and forth. It's a partnership, equal. |
This list is very real for me. My husband, who is generally regarded as a nice guy and good dad, basically only performs tasks with direction and operates under the assumption that I’m the default for our kids at all times. I make more money than him by a smidge and work a fairly stressful job so the resentment can be strong at times. |