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Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
Discipline pet peeve: "give him a hug!"
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Anonymous
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OK, this is pretty minor in the scheme of things, but is anyone else irked and kind of flummoxed when around parents who discipline their toddlers for hitting/kicking/biting another child by saying, "That's not nice! Give him (or her) a hug!" My toddler is often OK with the hit/kick/bite, but being enveloped in a bear hug immediately afterward by the person who was just acting aggressively towards her usually makes her struggle to get away, and meanwhile the other parent is congratulating their child: "Awww, that's so nice! Thank you for hugging her. See, she didn't mean it!"
Gah, forced apology hug. It's my pet peeve, and I don't really think it's that nice, but in the moment, I never know how to stop it... |
Anonymous
| Completely agree. It teaches the biter, etc. that the lousy behavior is ignored as long as it's followed by an insincere "apology hug" and the "victim" knows the hug isn't "real". I hated that as a kid. It doesn't stop the behavior, either. |
Anonymous
| It also doesn't teach about personal space/boundaries with affection. I don't want my child hugging everyone, just those that love him. |
Anonymous
Maybe they have a future in politics or maybe just cheating in school or petty theft at the local store. |
Anonymous
| My baby's nowhere near this age yet, but it's nice to know what is coming! What have you done in these situations? I'd be inclined to say that Biter could just apologize, Bitee doesn't need a hug. |
Anonymous
| I think it depends on the kid. My kid hates being hugged by other kids or having kids in her space. Other kids we know love it. When a kid does something wrong, a good "consequence" is to make the other kid feel better. Bringing him a tissue or an ice pack, for example. If the injured party likes hugs and it makes them feel better, then it is a good move; otherwise, it isn't. |
Anonymous
| Reminds me of instances at school where some teachers make 2 kids "shake hands and make up" without regard for which child initiated the fight or the possibility that the second child has a bruise that hurts, etc. |
Anonymous
| So what do you suggest for those situations? I'm a curious ftm and don't knoW much about kid politics. |
Anonymous
| My 18 month old isn't talking yet, so a hug is really all he can do to demonstrate remorse. Sorry if that doesn't meet your standards. |
Anonymous
I thought we were talking about older children. |
Anonymous
If the child can talk, "I'm sorry" is what I would think appropriate. |
Anonymous
Then you tell your child it isn't ok and you say "I'm sorry, we are working on it or xxx) but not everyone wants another kid hugging theirs especially if their kid is not a big hugger or affectionate with strangers. You can model what should be done so when they can talk they can say "I'm sorry" or better yet, spend the time working with your child not to hit. |
Anonymous
OP, I find this even more annoying... parents (mothers) who THANK their little sweeties for every. blessed. thing. they. do. |
Anonymous
In your scenario, I'm teaching my child that when they hit, mommy needs to apologize for them. In my scenario, they need to go and make ammends with the person they offended DIRECTLY. If the child on the other end of this doesn't want to be hugged, they should get a backbone and learn how to say "no thank you." |
Anonymous
| Kids don't know remorse at 18 months. Give them a consequence so that they relate their bad behavior to a bad feeling |