Honestly, how do you manage dual income marriage with kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i can't believe that anyone in this situation expects the other person to be the 'funny sexy' person except for very rare circs. If he wants 'funny/ sexy' as a general rule then he needs to make substantially more income. At his income level he gets 'I will sit on the couch with you after the kids crash in a threadbare t shirt and sometimes have wine'.

OP’s definition of her husband wanting her to be sexy all the time is him pitifully asking for sex once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i can't believe that anyone in this situation expects the other person to be the 'funny sexy' person except for very rare circs. If he wants 'funny/ sexy' as a general rule then he needs to make substantially more income. At his income level he gets 'I will sit on the couch with you after the kids crash in a threadbare t shirt and sometimes have wine'.

OP’s definition of her husband wanting her to be sexy all the time is him pitifully asking for sex once a week.

This is OP. Once a week when HE is available, which is often when I'm super tired or needs to catch up with mountains of work I left behind to support his travel/work etc. Whenever I need sex, he's often working/traveling/not available. I have to watch porn to solve my problems. It sucks but at this stress level I just need to 'jerk off' without coordinating time and dealing with his special needs/tastes/moods.

[Anonymous]

This thread is getting spicy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i can't believe that anyone in this situation expects the other person to be the 'funny sexy' person except for very rare circs. If he wants 'funny/ sexy' as a general rule then he needs to make substantially more income. At his income level he gets 'I will sit on the couch with you after the kids crash in a threadbare t shirt and sometimes have wine'.

OP’s definition of her husband wanting her to be sexy all the time is him pitifully asking for sex once a week.

This is OP. Once a week when HE is available, which is often when I'm super tired or needs to catch up with mountains of work I left behind to support his travel/work etc. Whenever I need sex, he's often working/traveling/not available. I have to watch porn to solve my problems. It sucks but at this stress level I just need to 'jerk off' without coordinating time and dealing with his special needs/tastes/moods.

At least both of you still want sex and desire one another.

I don’t think you ever said how old you were and how old the kids are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i can't believe that anyone in this situation expects the other person to be the 'funny sexy' person except for very rare circs. If he wants 'funny/ sexy' as a general rule then he needs to make substantially more income. At his income level he gets 'I will sit on the couch with you after the kids crash in a threadbare t shirt and sometimes have wine'.

This has me laughing out loud. Although my spouse makes substantially more and I’m still in the “I will sit on the couch with you” scenario. The reality is that the gets you things like a shorter commute (maybe) and nicer vacations but cannot easily solve the problem with all the coordination and planning kids require. We did interview a house manager (that previously worked for someone DC famous so I got a ton of gossip in the interview!) but I just found it too creepy — to make it work the person needs access to your accounts, needs to communicate with kids’ schools/teachers and often be the point of contact even with the kids. It really did seem like outsourcing my whole life.

I’ve been doing this for 18 years; my spouse and i have 4 Ivy degrees between us. We both stepped back our career goals cknsidesbly (me more than him) and I have t worked out in …. 18 years. You need to just decide what you’re willing to give up. Some people really mimimize kids activities and do whatever is easiest in terms of birthdays etc. some people give up trying to do anything like home cooked meals. Everyone gives up something because the truth is you really can’t have it all. You just need to decide what you’re willing to give up and then own that choice without regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i can't believe that anyone in this situation expects the other person to be the 'funny sexy' person except for very rare circs. If he wants 'funny/ sexy' as a general rule then he needs to make substantially more income. At his income level he gets 'I will sit on the couch with you after the kids crash in a threadbare t shirt and sometimes have wine'.

This has me laughing out loud. Although my spouse makes substantially more and I’m still in the “I will sit on the couch with you” scenario. The reality is that the gets you things like a shorter commute (maybe) and nicer vacations but cannot easily solve the problem with all the coordination and planning kids require. We did interview a house manager (that previously worked for someone DC famous so I got a ton of gossip in the interview!) but I just found it too creepy — to make it work the person needs access to your accounts, needs to communicate with kids’ schools/teachers and often be the point of contact even with the kids. It really did seem like outsourcing my whole life.

I’ve been doing this for 18 years; my spouse and i have 4 Ivy degrees between us. We both stepped back our career goals cknsidesbly (me more than him) and I have t worked out in …. 18 years. You need to just decide what you’re willing to give up. Some people really mimimize kids activities and do whatever is easiest in terms of birthdays etc. some people give up trying to do anything like home cooked meals. Everyone gives up something because the truth is you really can’t have it all. You just need to decide what you’re willing to give up and then own that choice without regret.

This person is very accurate. Everyone has to give up something. In my situation, it feels like DH has given up nothing and I have given up everything. Dh plays tennis and golf occasionally but doesn’t work out as much. I am able to exercise daily since I no longer work.

I lost my career. I do have three happy healthy thriving kids.

I posted the thread a few days ago about how DH says his success is my success.

[Anonymous]

I’m grateful for dcurbanmoms for making this all clear to me early on. I’m purposely picking a field within medicine with tons of flexibility despite lower pay based on what I’ve seen here. We also set up our lives to accommodate this lower income. I wish more women had this guidance before setting up their lives in a non sustainable way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i can't believe that anyone in this situation expects the other person to be the 'funny sexy' person except for very rare circs. If he wants 'funny/ sexy' as a general rule then he needs to make substantially more income. At his income level he gets 'I will sit on the couch with you after the kids crash in a threadbare t shirt and sometimes have wine'.

OP’s definition of her husband wanting her to be sexy all the time is him pitifully asking for sex once a week.

This is OP. Once a week when HE is available, which is often when I'm super tired or needs to catch up with mountains of work I left behind to support his travel/work etc. Whenever I need sex, he's often working/traveling/not available. I have to watch porn to solve my problems. It sucks but at this stress level I just need to 'jerk off' without coordinating time and dealing with his special needs/tastes/moods.

So you just want him to be the funny sexy available boyfriend whenever YOU have time. Got it.

This thread is hilarious. LOL to the recent poster (from the sharing success thread) complaining about how much SHE has had to “give up” in life while hanging out with her three perfect kids in one of her many vacation homes and working out every day while being supported financially and emotionally by her millionaire husband.

Also LOL to all the adults who peaked in college and still feel that their greatest accomplishment in life is being “Ivy educated” and dropping that fact into every post they make like it’s some kind of street cred. Yes, we all believe that you were a super good test taker 20 years ago. You apparently lack common sense and suck at math now, though.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? You stop whining and just do it. I make more than half of what both of you make and guess what? I am acing grad school, my house is clean and organized, my kids are in very demanding and time consuming sports, I have a second job, be both work full time although opposite schedules and we still have money and time left over for traveling out of the country. We do have 2 rental homes but we keep a strict budget unless we travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i can't believe that anyone in this situation expects the other person to be the 'funny sexy' person except for very rare circs. If he wants 'funny/ sexy' as a general rule then he needs to make substantially more income. At his income level he gets 'I will sit on the couch with you after the kids crash in a threadbare t shirt and sometimes have wine'.

OP’s definition of her husband wanting her to be sexy all the time is him pitifully asking for sex once a week.

This is OP. Once a week when HE is available, which is often when I'm super tired or needs to catch up with mountains of work I left behind to support his travel/work etc. Whenever I need sex, he's often working/traveling/not available. I have to watch porn to solve my problems. It sucks but at this stress level I just need to 'jerk off' without coordinating time and dealing with his special needs/tastes/moods.

OP is a man ?
His vocabulary sounds like a man.
I didn’t read the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? You stop whining and just do it. I make more than half of what both of you make and guess what? I am acing grad school, my house is clean and organized, my kids are in very demanding and time consuming sports, I have a second job, be both work full time although opposite schedules and we still have money and time left over for traveling out of the country. We do have 2 rental homes but we keep a strict budget unless we travel.

Do you want a cookie for being so extraordinary? Get over yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work. With two kids, despite a lot of help around the house, we still find ourselves increasingly arguing about who should take the kids, do the chores, etc. We complain about not spending enough time together, but we just can't make it because one of us is either traveling or recovering from the travel...

I'm afraid we are growing apart... I'm the woman and feel like that I already sacrifice a lot of my own time to support him. He just wants me to be the funny sexy available girlfriend whenever he has time. I often just want to take a nap, recover, catch up with work, because I just took the lion share of everything while he was away...

How do you manage dual income marriage? If either of us give up our job, are we destined to separate at some point? It is just so stressful...

You husband, even if he has PhD is dumb and clueless about women's body and emotional needs. You can educate him or leave him. It is totally unacceptable to treat a woman who is a mother as his sex toy, available on demand. I hope this is not how he raises his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work. With two kids, despite a lot of help around the house, we still find ourselves increasingly arguing about who should take the kids, do the chores, etc. We complain about not spending enough time together, but we just can't make it because one of us is either traveling or recovering from the travel...

I'm afraid we are growing apart... I'm the woman and feel like that I already sacrifice a lot of my own time to support him. He just wants me to be the funny sexy available girlfriend whenever he has time. I often just want to take a nap, recover, catch up with work, because I just took the lion share of everything while he was away...

How do you manage dual income marriage? If either of us give up our job, are we destined to separate at some point? It is just so stressful...

You husband, even if he has PhD is dumb and clueless about women's body and emotional needs. You can educate him or leave him. It is totally unacceptable to treat a woman who is a mother as his sex toy, available on demand. I hope this is not how he raises his children.

Try reading the thread before getting so outraged. This is not even close to the situation, as described in OP’s follow up posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my circles, I see only two formulas work well if neither parent is sacrificing on career.

(1) At least one parent has a big job (or family wealth) that can support A LOT of help -- multiple nannies + pre-school, travel nannies and night nurses, frequent flying in of grandparents to help, etc.

(2) Live close to family. Move grandparents to live-in and help or move close to them for significant help. This is what we did -- left the east coast to move back to CA despite the crazy cost of living here because we had family and decent job prospects here. I see a major different in stress level and lifestyle between my friends who have helpful grandparents nearby vs. ones who don't.

Otherwise, you can certainly do it but it won't always run smoothly and you feel probably feel frazzled.

The grandparents may help with the younger years but it isn’t as good as kids age. The grandparents don’t get involved with the school pta, become the room parent, coach soccer and basketball. You either put your career first or your kids first. It is really hard to do both.

Hmm I don't disagree with this but I guess I personally don't feel the need to be involved to the level of leading PTA, room parent, or coaching soccer or basketball. I just want flexibility and help juggling the logistics of kids' practices, games, performances, medical appointments, some ability for each spouse travel or stay late for work events if needed without overly burdening the other, and also have head space to ensure my kids are being supported in the areas they're interested in, and time to organize fun activities, trips and relaxation for our family to spend time together on the weekends (and getting DH and I a break sometimes for adult dates/activities). In my experience having a trustworthy third adult (whether family or a trusted nanny / babysitter nearby) to offer flex support can really help with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my circles, I see only two formulas work well if neither parent is sacrificing on career.

(1) At least one parent has a big job (or family wealth) that can support A LOT of help -- multiple nannies + pre-school, travel nannies and night nurses, frequent flying in of grandparents to help, etc.

(2) Live close to family. Move grandparents to live-in and help or move close to them for significant help. This is what we did -- left the east coast to move back to CA despite the crazy cost of living here because we had family and decent job prospects here. I see a major different in stress level and lifestyle between my friends who have helpful grandparents nearby vs. ones who don't.

Otherwise, you can certainly do it but it won't always run smoothly and you feel probably feel frazzled.

The grandparents may help with the younger years but it isn’t as good as kids age. The grandparents don’t get involved with the school pta, become the room parent, coach soccer and basketball. You either put your career first or your kids first. It is really hard to do both.

Hmm I don't disagree with this but I guess I personally don't feel the need to be involved to the level of leading PTA, room parent, or coaching soccer or basketball. I just want flexibility and help juggling the logistics of kids' practices, games, performances, medical appointments, some ability for each spouse travel or stay late for work events if needed without overly burdening the other, and also have head space to ensure my kids are being supported in the areas they're interested in, and time to organize fun activities, trips and relaxation for our family to spend time together on the weekends (and getting DH and I a break sometimes for adult dates/activities). In my experience having a trustworthy third adult (whether family or a trusted nanny / babysitter nearby) to offer flex support can really help with this.

I’m not sure how old your kids are but kids’ social lives can be drastically different depending on parents. It is not just about picking up your kids and giving them a snack after school.