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Is 38 too late to turn your life/career around (and how to support someone who's trying)
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Anonymous
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My brother is an Ivy League grad, smart, hardworking, good-looking, athletic, and personable. Unfortunately, due to a combination of bad luck, bad decisions, and some struggles with depression, he's managed to hit the age of 38 without building anything meaningful in a career or relationship. After college he was on a good career path, but he hit a few bumps in the road around 8 years ago (along with the rest of the country) and basically checked out, moved to a more laid-back area of the country, and punched the clock at jobs that were beneath him. This would have been great if it made him happy, but it didn't, because inside he's still an ambitious, entrepreneurial guy.
He recently got offered a new job that sounded like a good opportunity to get back on his old career path. He knew it would be at a much lower level and that he would have to work his way up. He moved back to our home city, which took a lot of courage because that's where his old friends live who are now all doctors or biglaw partners or hedge fund zillionaires. For whatever reason (I don't know all the details yet), he's feeling like this job is turning into a dead end. He's depressed, feeling like a failure, and believing that it really is too late to turn things around. I keep telling him to just hang in there, work his ass off, give it time, be aggressive about moving up or out, and he will find success. But I've been telling him this for so many years that I'm starting to wonder if he really will. My heart breaks for him and I just want him to find a way to be proud of himself and happy with what he's doing. I know it sounds like he must either be lazy or socially awkward or difficult to get along with, but he's really not. He's not perfect of course, and he drives me up a freaking wall, but he's got a million friends, knows how to be respectful and professional, has a great work ethic, takes care of himself and dresses well. He's diligent about going to therapy and taking anti-depressants, and never lets his angst get in the way of work. I truly believe that he is capable of doing almost anything. It's just a question of how to get from point A to point B at this stage of the game. So, I'm looking for people to tell me that it's possible to turn it around, even at 38. |
Anonymous
| What is the definition of "turning it all around?" Being self supporting, independent, having a job, savings, one's own apartment, stability, paying taxes -- those are all accomplishments that many people wish for and dream of for some family members. Are you thinking he will become a high roller, a top of the line rainmaker or star or Nobel Prize winner or something? I think your expectations are perhaps a little unreal. And so are his. And I can't believe that all of his friends are soooooo successful. I'm an Ivy grad and I think he's got blinders on if this is all he sees, and all you see. |
Anonymous
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You've really said it all, so the only thing I can say and it's not even original, but every day is the first day of the rest of your life. Sure . . . you don’t get those lost years back and being a cardiothoracic surgeon may not be in his future, but there are innumerable opportunities available to people who are willing to dream and work to make those dreams come true.
Good luck |
Anonymous
| This is America. Anything is possible. |
Anonymous
| Your brother sounds like me. I flailed around for a long time (although I was always successful in the jobs I had) until I began therapy and figured out that I had lost/never really discovered my true voice. I concentrated way too much on what people thought I should do and pursued those interests and, not surprisingly, found myself perpetually dissatisfied with my career, life, relationships. I'm 41 and at 33 I began working with both a therapist and a career therapist to figure out what I wanted. I changed careers and am so much happier. So, to answer your question: yes, it is possible, but it takes a LOT of work and a lot of courage and also a lot of patience, because it took me quite a while in therapy to really get to the bottom of what ailed me. |
Anonymous
| It is never too late to become the person you were meant to be. Good luck to him. |
Anonymous
| What other option is there? |
Anonymous
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DH married me at 41 and changed careers at 42.
He's not rich but he's happy, on both counts! |
Anonymous
| I would certainly hope so. My brother is now 40, and in a much more serious state than your brother. At least your brother has the strong background, confidence, etc, etc. Mine has OCD, and has essentially given up on trying to get better. Sounds like your sibling has way more going for him. |
Anonymous
Holy cow! I did the same thing, at the same ages even. (Weird!) I agree that it's super important to get straight - really, really, really straight - about what inspires and interests you at work. Then you just work like heck. Also, as far as the age thing goes, my mom started a new career (after being homeless for 2 years) in her early 60's. She now makes more money than she's ever made in her life. It was all about following her passion. She decided to stop pursuing what other people told her she should do and follow her own dream of being a travel agent. Has your brother ever heard J.K. Rowling's famous speech at Harvard commencement? So inspirational: http://harvardmagazine.com/2008/06/the-fringe-benefits-failure-the-importance-imagination |
Anonymous
| Julia Child did not even know how to cook until she turned 40. |
Anonymous
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I got married at 38 and had my first child at 40. I had a string of bad relationships and really wondered if it would ever happen, but it did.
I plan to change careers in my 40s (19:19 - I sooooo relate to what you said - my first career was what "everyone" said I should do and it was not a good fit for me. Do you mind sharing who your career counselor was? Please?) Depression sucks. It can really mess you up and make it hard to listen to that voice inside you that knows what you should be doing. I think the best thing you can do for your brother is to get him in touch with that voice, help him figure out what he really wants to do with his life. Just talk to him, if he is amenable. Talk about what he likes about his job, and what he doesn't. What is important to him in life, and what isn't. |
Anonymous
Thank you for providing us with that speech and website. I read every word it. It was powerful and inspirational. I will return to it again in the future for reassurance in times of trouble and doubt. |
Anonymous
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OP is it possible that he may have adult ADD? It often coexists with depression and is a huge impediment to career success. People with ADD often start strong then have a hard time with motivation, much more so than most people. The excitement of new beginnings helps them focus their attention, after a while the newness is lost. It is often very typical to have a less than linear career path. Might be something to think about. There is a slew of info online, the book Driven to Distraction is really good too, and the sequel, Delivered from Distraction.
Also, I think the advice to focus on happiness rather than just one definition of success is very important. |
Anonymous
| Bump... |