Any Formerly SAHM's Back to Work for Economic Reasons and Hating It?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully, PP, your children will learn humility from someone in their lives, as it is clear they won't be learning it from you.

(Also, no one believes any of the fiction you have posted here. But, surely, you knew that already.)

Surely you understand that I would never tell my children any of these things, except to say that I am proud of them, because that would make them arrogant - and, as the grandchildren of immigrants who came to the U.S. with nothing, they know to be humble and deferential.

I suppose that it is hard for anyone to believe it when their neighbor's, friend's, or colleague's child is admitted to a top school, or graduates first in their class, because those things are hard to accomplish, and thus rare. I am grateful for those things - and I would like to think that, in some little way, my decision to give up a successful, and well-paid career to support my significant other and our children as we moved around for SO's career, contributed to an overall stability that led to their being well-adjusted and academically successful - BUT, I would be just as happy with my children if they were in the middle of their class and attended a community college (and my spouse's mother did).

And, finally, I think that a WOHP just as likely as a SAHP to raise wonderful, loved, successful children. Truly, I stayed at home not because I though that it was the better choice (I do not necessarily think that it is), but rather because my significant other's peripatetic career made it impossible for me to continue to work consistently, sustainedly, and meaningfully.

Let's raise a New Year's toast to WOHP and SAHP both! Previous poster, I have the feeling that we would be good friends if we met because we have more in common than you think.

You annoy the hell out of me, so you know what you can do with your toast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. Let me re-phrase. If you hate your job, how do you get through your days until you can find another position? Listen to music, take long lunch, be passive-aggressive??? Like one NICE poster said, it will take awhile... Home is where the heart is...

I am not reading 10 pages of vitriol, but saw this post of OP's at the bottom of the first page and decided to answer.

I never got to be SAH. Have been WOHM since DD was an infant, although I was able to cut back to 4 days per week a few years ago. Hate it. Hate it with a passion, and it certainly doesn't help that I don't like my job. Find myself envious every morning as I drive to work and I see moms walking dogs or going for morning runs. Maybe they just go to work later than I do, but I always feel as if they are SAH. Same thing in the afternoon as I pass moms walking kids home from school.

How do I handle it? Not very well. Tell myself multiple times per day that I'm grateful for the paycheck, as our lives would be dramatically different if we only had one income. I try to maximize my time with DD when we are home. I save personal time for after she's in bed or early in the morning. We don't vacation without her. I do my best to be involved in her classroom and make lots of memories when we are together.

Make no mistake, it is very hard. Maybe it would be better if I found my job fulfilling, but somehow I have a feeling that no job would ever compare to the desire to be a SAH wife and mother.

This describes me as well. Hate it every day. I'm fortunate to make a decent amount and 4 days is far better than five. I started a little secret stash of savings and dream of quitting some day, spending a summer with my child and then finding a very part time not so stressful job. I'm years away from having enough to do this, but it's a fantasy that helps get through the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I give you that.

My oldest was admitted early to either H/Y/S/P. My second oldest, is currently the top-ranked student at one of the highly regarded local high schools. The younger ones, though not yet in high school, are also top students in their grades.

All of them read books every night, play musical instruments at a high level of conservatory and orchestra training, and participate in club and school sports. One is a nationally recognized debater. The other an awarded writer. The older ones volunteer three hours every week with special needs children. They participate in school plays and concerts as well.

They take nothing for granted, and have good friendships. Their teachers love them, and I frequently receive compliments on my family when we are out - once we had dinner out paid for by a complete stranger who admired our family. But, yes, I understand that you might dislike them.

Even if everything you say is true, what are you doing in the topic about a mom who HAS to work? You smug, self-congratulatory bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I guess you missed the part of feminism where women got to make their own life choices.

Particularly choices that shift all of their economic needs onto their husband, right? Wrong. Unless he's okay with it, you are playing with fire if you think being a SAHM is a good idea. I have seen so, so many women burned by this. I've also seen women use being a SAHM as an elegant way to exit the workforce. It's short sighted and stupid beyond the early years (and even then is somewhat dumb).

Nothing is worse than finding yourself divorced, having to take a shitting admin job ten rungs below where you were before having kids, and being a single mom who is forced to move out of her lovely home in Bethesda, Mclean, whatever and move into a townhouse or apartment with angry kids. I have five girlfriends who are all literally doing this. And I don't know what the readership is like age-wise, but doing this shit at 50, when you are tired and wishing there was a retirement nest egg you had been contributing to for years is so depressing. Child support ends at 18 and alimony ain't what it used to be. Your husbands are wage workers, not actors or NBA players. Don't get it twisted, ladies.

Basically, mind your marriages. If you want to make your own life choices, expect to make them by yourself eventually. If you want to rely on someone else to financially support you, realize that is going to come at a cost by either being a good SAHM/wife or getting divorced and having to begin things at scratch.

PP, I am very sorry that you have to make all of your life choices based on the fact that your husband will walk out on you at any moment AND take everything but the kids. Has he figured out that you are a judgmental, paranoid, distrustful b*t*h? Your post makes me appreciate the fact that the possibility of divorce does not have to be a factor in any of my life choices. Some of us know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we will not end up divorced. I realize that DH could become disabled (or worse), but we have disability and life insurance for that reason. Enough to give me time to find a job and/or train for a new field.

I find it hard to believe that you know SO MANY women in the situation you described. Either you are seriously exaggerating, or you and your friends did an awful job choosing your spouses. What kind of a horrible father would kick his ex-wife and children out of their family home? In every divorce situation I know of, the mom and kids stay in the home, and if anyone ends up in a townhouse or apartment, it's the father. Could it be that your friends chose to move to a smaller home? A friend of mine comes to mind. Her husband was an a*s and left her for a younger woman. She had been a SAHM. They lived in a beautiful home that would be at least a $3-$4 million home if it were in the DC area. She stayed in the home with her 4 kids and went back to work. After giving her kids some time to adjust to the divorce, she decided to sell the house and moved into a very modest home. She chose to do this because she didn't want the upkeep and maintenance. She also wanted to be closer to her friends and her kids' friends. All of her kids can now walk to school, which made her mornings much less stressful since she has kids in 3 different schools.

I realize that there are jerks out there who would put their families in the situation you described, but if you think YOUR husband could turn into one of these, then you have a problem in your marriage that needs to be addressed. Especially since this seems to be such a common occurrence in your circle of friends

I won't stoop to your level and make this SAHM vs WM. I have friends in every conceivable situation - 2 working parents, 1 working parent, SAHM, SAHD, one parent works part-time, one parent works at home. I will just say this. Pretty much all of these families are in the situation that is right for them. They have their own set of priorities, hopes, dreams. They have their own plan for the future and their own obstacles. Even though I am a SAHM, I would never make such a generalization by saying that all WM are "playing with fire." I have nothing but respect for all the parents I know. We are all doing our best.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have no idea why your post got the reaction it did! If you would have worded it in a way that implied that everyone works for economic reasons, the same people would have bitten your head off anyway, saying they choose to work because it's fulfilling.

Anyway...I am a SAHM, but I have done some temp jobs recently. I get through it by really focusing on my work and coming up with small goals to accomplish during downtime each day. For example, my last gig was retail during the holidays. When the store was busy, time went by really fast anyway. But those slow days could be pretty brutal and long. So I would come up with a task such as reorganizing the sale racks or cleaning/organizing an aisle in the stock room. It made the day go by so much faster and I would always leave with a sense of accomplishment. I also stay away from my phone and social media while at work. It doesn't help if I get on fb and see pics of moms ice skating or building a snowman with their kids! It's best to focus on work and try not to think about what's going on in the outside world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have no idea why your post got the reaction it did! If you would have worded it in a way that implied that everyone works for economic reasons, the same people would have bitten your head off anyway, saying they choose to work because it's fulfilling.

Anyway...I am a SAHM, but I have done some temp jobs recently. I get through it by really focusing on my work and coming up with small goals to accomplish during downtime each day. For example, my last gig was retail during the holidays. When the store was busy, time went by really fast anyway. But those slow days could be pretty brutal and long. So I would come up with a task such as reorganizing the sale racks or cleaning/organizing an aisle in the stock room. It made the day go by so much faster and I would always leave with a sense of accomplishment. I also stay away from my phone and social media while at work. It doesn't help if I get on fb and see pics of moms ice skating or building a snowman with their kids! It's best to focus on work and try not to think about what's going on in the outside world.

Do you have an education, pp?
Quitting work and going back to retail (organizing a stock room!!?) seems like a total nightmare and major step backward.

[Anonymous]

OP I hope that as the days turn to weeks, and on to months and years, that you realize how fortunate you are to have an ongoing, continuous, important, and financially-secure career, and that you can take some satisfaction in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have no idea why your post got the reaction it did! If you would have worded it in a way that implied that everyone works for economic reasons, the same people would have bitten your head off anyway, saying they choose to work because it's fulfilling.

Anyway...I am a SAHM, but I have done some temp jobs recently. I get through it by really focusing on my work and coming up with small goals to accomplish during downtime each day. For example, my last gig was retail during the holidays. When the store was busy, time went by really fast anyway. But those slow days could be pretty brutal and long. So I would come up with a task such as reorganizing the sale racks or cleaning/organizing an aisle in the stock room. It made the day go by so much faster and I would always leave with a sense of accomplishment. I also stay away from my phone and social media while at work. It doesn't help if I get on fb and see pics of moms ice skating or building a snowman with their kids! It's best to focus on work and try not to think about what's going on in the outside world.

Do you have an education, pp?
Quitting work and going back to retail (organizing a stock room!!?) seems like a total nightmare and major step backward.

Yes, I do have an education, but I am not looking to get back into my field yet. I just take a seasonal or temp job here and there when we could use a little help paying for the holidays, a big vacation, etc. I also have my own (very small) home-based business.

People are able to make a very good living at retail, and many of them really enjoy the work. At a good company, the best of them will rise to the top. If they become general manager of their own store, they will make around $150K or more. This happened with 2 of my co-workers in the 2 months that I had this job. They had worked their way from seasonal help to assistant manager, and now they have both accepted GM positions in amazing locations. Everyone in that store worked incredibly hard. And they did so with a smile and constantly aching feet!

And I am a serial organizer, so yes, organizing the stock room was fun for me.

[Anonymous]

"Some of us know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we will not end up divorced."

Golly!!! Can I borrow your crystal ball? I'll take good care of it. You may want to lend it to Obama. The world will be eternally grateful.

TIA

[Anonymous]

I have now read the entire thread in one sitting, and I can honestly declare this the most vituperative, mean-spirited, ugly, insult-and-anger filled thread I have ever come across on DCUM.

Ladies, there are plenty of people willing to tear us down, so let us come together in the DCUM community to build each other up.

[Anonymous]

I guess you missed the part of feminism where women got to make their own life choices.


Particularly choices that shift all of their economic needs onto their husband, right? Wrong. Unless he's okay with it, you are playing with fire if you think being a SAHM is a good idea. I have seen so, so many women burned by this. I've also seen women use being a SAHM as an elegant way to exit the workforce. It's short sighted and stupid beyond the early years (and even then is somewhat dumb).

Nothing is worse than finding yourself divorced, having to take a shitting admin job ten rungs below where you were before having kids, and being a single mom who is forced to move out of her lovely home in Bethesda, Mclean, whatever and move into a townhouse or apartment with angry kids. I have five girlfriends who are all literally doing this. And I don't know what the readership is like age-wise, but doing this shit at 50, when you are tired and wishing there was a retirement nest egg you had been contributing to for years is so depressing. Child support ends at 18 and alimony ain't what it used to be. Your husbands are wage workers, not actors or NBA players. Don't get it twisted, ladies.

Basically, mind your marriages. If you want to make your own life choices, expect to make them by yourself eventually. If you want to rely on someone else to financially support you, realize that is going to come at a cost by either being a good SAHM/wife or getting divorced and having to begin things at scratch.


PP, I am very sorry that you have to make all of your life choices based on the fact that your husband will walk out on you at any moment AND take everything but the kids. Has he figured out that you are a judgmental, paranoid, distrustful b*t*h? Your post makes me appreciate the fact that the possibility of divorce does not have to be a factor in any of my life choices. Some of us know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we will not end up divorced. I realize that DH could become disabled (or worse), but we have disability and life insurance for that reason. Enough to give me time to find a job and/or train for a new field.

I find it hard to believe that you know SO MANY women in the situation you described. Either you are seriously exaggerating, or you and your friends did an awful job choosing your spouses. What kind of a horrible father would kick his ex-wife and children out of their family home? In every divorce situation I know of, the mom and kids stay in the home, and if anyone ends up in a townhouse or apartment, it's the father. Could it be that your friends chose to move to a smaller home? A friend of mine comes to mind. Her husband was an a*s and left her for a younger woman. She had been a SAHM. They lived in a beautiful home that would be at least a $3-$4 million home if it were in the DC area. She stayed in the home with her 4 kids and went back to work. After giving her kids some time to adjust to the divorce, she decided to sell the house and moved into a very modest home. She chose to do this because she didn't want the upkeep and maintenance. She also wanted to be closer to her friends and her kids' friends. All of her kids can now walk to school, which made her mornings much less stressful since she has kids in 3 different schools.

I realize that there are jerks out there who would put their families in the situation you described, but if you think YOUR husband could turn into one of these, then you have a problem in your marriage that needs to be addressed. Especially since this seems to be such a common occurrence in your circle of friends

I won't stoop to your level and make this SAHM vs WM. I have friends in every conceivable situation - 2 working parents, 1 working parent, SAHM, SAHD, one parent works part-time, one parent works at home. I will just say this. Pretty much all of these families are in the situation that is right for them. They have their own set of priorities, hopes, dreams. They have their own plan for the future and their own obstacles. Even though I am a SAHM, I would never make such a generalization by saying that all WM are "playing with fire." I have nothing but respect for all the parents I know. We are all doing our best.

You don't know, PP. Men leave all the time and you can't say what your husband will do. My sister in law is literally in this situation. Her husband left her the second the youngest graduated high school. It was so, so shocking. She has half of his 401K, but has had to made some difficult choices because she's been out of the work force so long and has a good 15 years before she can tap into it. She got 3 years of alimony to retrain. It has been brutal and she is exactly what the above poster mentioned, a Chevy Chase wife who thought she had it locked down. It's tough to watch.

[Anonymous]

People are able to make a very good living at retail, and many of them really enjoy the work. At a good company, the best of them will rise to the top. If they become general manager of their own store, they will make around $150K or more.

Ok, I have worked retail in the past and have nothing against working retail, but what you describe is just NOT the case for the vast majority of people who work retail. The majority are NOT able to make a "very good living" at it. My sister is the general manager of a retail store, and although she is certainly not impoverished, she does not make anywhere near $150K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People are able to make a very good living at retail, and many of them really enjoy the work. At a good company, the best of them will rise to the top. If they become general manager of their own store, they will make around $150K or more.

Ok, I have worked retail in the past and have nothing against working retail, but what you describe is just NOT the case for the vast majority of people who work retail. The majority are NOT able to make a "very good living" at it. My sister is the general manager of a retail store, and although she is certainly not impoverished, she does not make anywhere near $150K.

+1

$150 for a general manager? Maybe at a full size Nordstrom, with an MBA and 15 years working for the company. Last I heard, the store manager at a place like Ann Taylor might make $40,000 a year and they want your evenings, weekends and holidays for that, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have now read the entire thread in one sitting, and I can honestly declare this the most vituperative, mean-spirited, ugly, insult-and-anger filled thread I have ever come across on DCUM.

Ladies, there are plenty of people willing to tear us down, so let us come together in the DCUM community to build each other up.

+ 1