My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

DP. We can only control ourselves, not other people.

That doesn’t excuse poor behavior from a partner. It takes two to have a partnership.

It's not excusing the other partner. It's just the reality of life. The partner did not write here about advice; OP did. And all we can say is what she can do to change her part in the dynamic. If the partner wrote here we'd be telling him what HE could do differently.

You can blame the other partner all you want, but it's not getting sh!t done.

Duh.
Why would he write anything? He does whatever the F he wants. Including leaving his dirty pizza plates on the couch.

She can just keep picking up after him. He doesn’t care, she does. So she should do all the tidying and cleaning up and fixing things. It’s that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP said she did more of the housework. What would happen if she just didn’t do more than her share? Would DH pick up the slack? But just not in the way OP would want it done?

I have a feeling they fell into this pattern because OP is overly controlling about how she wants things done. Team DH over here.

Interesting. I suspect the opposite, and that DH wouldn’t pick up the slack at all.

[Anonymous]

I am suddenly grateful my DH and I are aligned on dishes. I think a dirty plate regularly left on the couch would be an issue in our marriage…especially if the person who left the dish was defensive and argumentative about it.

Completely agree that it’s often the little things that eat away at marriages. They’re stand-ins for neglect, scorn, derision.

[Anonymous]

Everyone always thinks they do more of the XYZ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am suddenly grateful my DH and I are aligned on dishes. I think a dirty plate regularly left on the couch would be an issue in our marriage…especially if the person who left the dish was defensive and argumentative about it.

Completely agree that it’s often the little things that eat away at marriages. They’re stand-ins for neglect, scorn, derision.

+1 million

[Anonymous]

My DH and I let all of this go after he almost died.

Did he leave the plate on the couch while you guys were still watching the movie, and would have taken it to the kitchen when he got up? If so, you were way out of line. You just want him to do it how you would do it. That way lies problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow you guys are way too harsh to OP. I guess you all have perfect lives, marriages, and always act appropriately and with full consideration. Congratulations on your perfection because what OP has expressed is exceedingly normal and commonplace and understand so forgive me for not believing that you all are perfect.

Pretty much this is accurate -- if OP is the standard.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: sure.

See how easy that is?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: later

Dog: jumps on couch and plate to lick it clean and makes a bigger mess

And? It’s just a fricking couch.

OP’s husband is not the problem here.

Exactly.
Couch schmouch. Let the kids and hubbies eat on it, color it, dump beer and wine in it, and leave trash and dirty dishes out it. Who cares!
Just buy another one every few months if the stains and clumps bother you.

I mean… replace “couch” with “spouse” and this seems to be how many of you actually feel. Fret over the furniture but treat your life partner as though they’re easily disposable or replaceable. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP said she did more of the housework. What would happen if she just didn’t do more than her share? Would DH pick up the slack? But just not in the way OP would want it done?

I have a feeling they fell into this pattern because OP is overly controlling about how she wants things done. Team DH over here.

Interesting. I suspect the opposite, and that DH wouldn’t pick up the slack at all.

I suspect no one would notice except OP. I would bet money that 90% of the “work” she does is useless make-work BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: sure.

See how easy that is?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: later

Dog: jumps on couch and plate to lick it clean and makes a bigger mess

And? It’s just a fricking couch.

OP’s husband is not the problem here.

Exactly.
Couch schmouch. Let the kids and hubbies eat on it, color it, dump beer and wine in it, and leave trash and dirty dishes out it. Who cares!
Just buy another one every few months if the stains and clumps bother you.

I mean… replace “couch” with “spouse” and this seems to be how many of you actually feel. Fret over the furniture but treat your life partner as though they’re easily disposable or replaceable. Whatever.

No one wants a pig or slob as a roommate, office mate or spouse.

No one wants a pig or slob who doubles down are argues that it’s his right to be a pig or slob.

Go live in a little $hit$hack if that’s yours style. Have your elderly mom or some hired immigrant come clean up your messes a few times a week. #winning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP said she did more of the housework. What would happen if she just didn’t do more than her share? Would DH pick up the slack? But just not in the way OP would want it done?

I have a feeling they fell into this pattern because OP is overly controlling about how she wants things done. Team DH over here.

Interesting. I suspect the opposite, and that DH wouldn’t pick up the slack at all.

I suspect no one would notice except OP. I would bet money that 90% of the “work” she does is useless make-work BS.

No one would notice.

It’s not like they have adult guests in their home stopping by to chat or eat a meal or watch a game and they have to sit in the pizza plates left out on the couch cushions.

Just leave them.

Okay a game of chicken with your wife.

How many days or weeks can each of you leave his dirty plates taking up a seat on the couch?

Let it sit there and remind everyone of what a great husband and father he is.

[Anonymous]

I see zero wrong with setting a dirty plate on a couch. You have different preferences on that but he wasn’t wrong. And you badgered him into agreeing. This doesn’t bode well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP said she did more of the housework. What would happen if she just didn’t do more than her share? Would DH pick up the slack? But just not in the way OP would want it done?

I have a feeling they fell into this pattern because OP is overly controlling about how she wants things done. Team DH over here.

Interesting. I suspect the opposite, and that DH wouldn’t pick up the slack at all.

I suspect no one would notice except OP. I would bet money that 90% of the “work” she does is useless make-work BS.

No one would notice.

It’s not like they have adult guests in their home stopping by to chat or eat a meal or watch a game and they have to sit in the pizza plates left out on the couch cushions.

Just leave them.

Okay a game of chicken with your wife.

How many days or weeks can each of you leave his dirty plates taking up a seat on the couch?

Let it sit there and remind everyone of what a great husband and father he is.

He didn’t leave the plate on the couch. He set it there *while* he continued to watch the movie *with his family*.

Your insane over-the-top responses in this thread are actually indicative of YOU being a lousy wife and mother. A show ready house every minute of every day is FAR more important to you than your family members’ feelings or comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: sure.

See how easy that is?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: later

Dog: jumps on couch and plate to lick it clean and makes a bigger mess

And? It’s just a fricking couch.

OP’s husband is not the problem here.

Exactly.
Couch schmouch. Let the kids and hubbies eat on it, color it, dump beer and wine in it, and leave trash and dirty dishes out it. Who cares!
Just buy another one every few months if the stains and clumps bother you.

I mean… replace “couch” with “spouse” and this seems to be how many of you actually feel. Fret over the furniture but treat your life partner as though they’re easily disposable or replaceable. Whatever.

No one wants a pig or slob as a roommate, office mate or spouse.

No one wants a pig or slob who doubles down are argues that it’s his right to be a pig or slob.

Go live in a little $hit$hack if that’s yours style. Have your elderly mom or some hired immigrant come clean up your messes a few times a week. #winning

Newsflash: it actually IS every person’s right to be a pig or a slob. If you can’t handle that simple fact then YOU should not get married.

[Anonymous]

Stop nagging him.