Honestly, how do you manage dual income marriage with kids?

[Anonymous]

We went the less money/prestige route fwiw. We moved to an exurb, I took a part time technical non glamorous role which pays decent but has extreme flexibility. We have three kids. Dh is fed so he has good flexibility and really does do a good share. It was a big sacrifice for me because I had an Ivy masters and prestige job but I certainly have no regrets. My kids have a Mayberry type childhood. I go on the field trips and am the guest reader. It’s perfect for me for now. I didn’t do the step back for my dh though, I did it for my kids. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went the less money/prestige route fwiw. We moved to an exurb, I took a part time technical non glamorous role which pays decent but has extreme flexibility. We have three kids. Dh is fed so he has good flexibility and really does do a good share. It was a big sacrifice for me because I had an Ivy masters and prestige job but I certainly have no regrets. My kids have a Mayberry type childhood. I go on the field trips and am the guest reader. It’s perfect for me for now. I didn’t do the step back for my dh though, I did it for my kids. Good luck.

This. People can have conversations and make decisions that work for the family.

I seriously believe that if OP wanted to, she could pay through the nose for the types of things she wants. She could actually afford it if she and her DH could figure out how to budget. She just doesn't want to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

Honestly this is so out of touch. 400k salaries is not low pay. I’m literally rolling my eyes at you. Just hire more help.

+1 My spouse and I are doing it at half your combined income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed, but $400k HHI is not that much for the DMV. I live in one of the more modest neighborhoods in Bethesda, and the average HHI in this zip code is $325k. The cheapest new houses around here start at about $2.8mm. The cheapest crappy old houses that needs lots of work start around $1.3mm. On $325k or even $400k, that's tough. And when both parents have to work long hours to make that much, it quickly becomes very stressful.

Farming stuff out is a practical yet deeply dissatisfying solution.

Newsflash, you don't need a 1.3 million dollar house and if you have one, then stop screaming poverty. You can buy a $600K house in Silver Spring, Wheaton or Upcountry just fine. You choose an expensive lifestyle so stop complaining.

Yes, OP can do this. But you can imagine why someone earning 400k feels not wealthy if they have to live in a 600k in Wheaton to be able to pay the bills.

Why do they need to feel wealthy? What’s wrong with a 600k house?

[Anonymous]

This must be a joke poster. These are getting lame:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed, but $400k HHI is not that much for the DMV. I live in one of the more modest neighborhoods in Bethesda, and the average HHI in this zip code is $325k. The cheapest new houses around here start at about $2.8mm. The cheapest crappy old houses that needs lots of work start around $1.3mm. On $325k or even $400k, that's tough. And when both parents have to work long hours to make that much, it quickly becomes very stressful.

Farming stuff out is a practical yet deeply dissatisfying solution.

Newsflash, you don't need a 1.3 million dollar house and if you have one, then stop screaming poverty. You can buy a $600K house in Silver Spring, Wheaton or Upcountry just fine. You choose an expensive lifestyle so stop complaining.

Yes, OP can do this. But you can imagine why someone earning 400k feels not wealthy if they have to live in a 600k in Wheaton to be able to pay the bills.

Why do they need to feel wealthy? What’s wrong with a 600k house?

People who make $400k think they need to be able to live in tony CCDC and mix with the fancy crowd.

[Anonymous]

This is why the wise woman marries a man who makes twice as much as she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed, but $400k HHI is not that much for the DMV. I live in one of the more modest neighborhoods in Bethesda, and the average HHI in this zip code is $325k. The cheapest new houses around here start at about $2.8mm. The cheapest crappy old houses that needs lots of work start around $1.3mm. On $325k or even $400k, that's tough. And when both parents have to work long hours to make that much, it quickly becomes very stressful.

Farming stuff out is a practical yet deeply dissatisfying solution.

Newsflash, you don't need a 1.3 million dollar house and if you have one, then stop screaming poverty. You can buy a $600K house in Silver Spring, Wheaton or Upcountry just fine. You choose an expensive lifestyle so stop complaining.

Yes, OP can do this. But you can imagine why someone earning 400k feels not wealthy if they have to live in a 600k in Wheaton to be able to pay the bills.

Why do they need to feel wealthy? What’s wrong with a 600k house?

The commute, especially if you're already working long hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why the wise woman marries a man who makes twice as much as she does.

No, the wise woman lowers expectations to reality. And thinks about child rearing as a deeply rewarding job as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went the less money/prestige route fwiw. We moved to an exurb, I took a part time technical non glamorous role which pays decent but has extreme flexibility. We have three kids. Dh is fed so he has good flexibility and really does do a good share. It was a big sacrifice for me because I had an Ivy masters and prestige job but I certainly have no regrets. My kids have a Mayberry type childhood. I go on the field trips and am the guest reader. It’s perfect for me for now. I didn’t do the step back for my dh though, I did it for my kids. Good luck.

Excellent post. We made different compromises but similar in nature. I have a law degree from a top school. I now work part time in a consulting gig with no travel and a ton of flexibility. We stayed in the city but live in a small home to make the finances work. DH's job is a lot more intense than mine but he is able to limit travel (which yes, costs him some in work opportunities) and he prioritizes having weekends totally free for family time.

We both made sacrifices and we don't view having done it for each other or even just for the kids. We did it for the family and to create the kind of family life that we think is best for all of us. Yes there are work opportunities we've both missed out on over the years and that is a loss. But what we get instead is a really happy, functional family where the schedules sync up and the kids feel really cared for supported and DH and I have space for our marriage and intimacy. It's worth the tradeoff, IMO.

There is an alternate universe where I didn't marry, or I married but didn't have kids, or I married someone who wanted to be a SAHD, and I have a really kick-a$$ high flying career. That fantasy is fun but it's not actually what I want in life. I'd be proud of myself but also sad about everything I missed out on. I'm happy with my choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why the wise woman marries a man who makes twice as much as she does.

No, the wise woman lowers expectations to reality. And thinks about child rearing as a deeply rewarding job as well.

And also as a phase of life. Most of the women I know who took a step back (but not totally out of the workforce) for their kids will have time to pursue other opportunities once their kids are older/grown. It might look different than a steady upward trajectory in one organization over 20 years -- could mean starting a business, going back for a masters, moving into academia or publishing, etc. I have a friend who raised two kids and then got her PhD when her youngest was 16, and is now a full professor with one kid in college, and I see her doing this for another 20 years. Prioritizing your kids does NOT mean totally giving up on your professional life forever. It means recognizing that for 10, 15, 20 years, work will not be the main thing in your life. You can go back to it, you just have to think expansively about both your career and life. THAT is wisdom. Not lamenting that you don't get to go on enough exciting business trips when your kids are under age 10 because it's too hard to arrange childcare. That's a narrow, short-sighted way to think about both your family and your career.

[Anonymous]

In my circles, I see only two formulas work well if neither parent is sacrificing on career.

(1) At least one parent has a big job (or family wealth) that can support A LOT of help -- multiple nannies + pre-school, travel nannies and night nurses, frequent flying in of grandparents to help, etc.

(2) Live close to family. Move grandparents to live-in and help or move close to them for significant help. This is what we did -- left the east coast to move back to CA despite the crazy cost of living here because we had family and decent job prospects here. I see a major different in stress level and lifestyle between my friends who have helpful grandparents nearby vs. ones who don't.

Otherwise, you can certainly do it but it won't always run smoothly and you feel probably feel frazzled.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read all the posts, but you have to let lots of things go. No pets. No travel soccer. Your gym needs to be inside your house. Lease a car so that you never have to deal with maintenance beyond oil changes. Live in a townhouse instead of a SFH with a lawn to deal with. Have no more than two kids.

[Anonymous]

i can't believe that anyone in this situation expects the other person to be the 'funny sexy' person except for very rare circs. If he wants 'funny/ sexy' as a general rule then he needs to make substantially more income. At his income level he gets 'I will sit on the couch with you after the kids crash in a threadbare t shirt and sometimes have wine'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my circles, I see only two formulas work well if neither parent is sacrificing on career.

(1) At least one parent has a big job (or family wealth) that can support A LOT of help -- multiple nannies + pre-school, travel nannies and night nurses, frequent flying in of grandparents to help, etc.

(2) Live close to family. Move grandparents to live-in and help or move close to them for significant help. This is what we did -- left the east coast to move back to CA despite the crazy cost of living here because we had family and decent job prospects here. I see a major different in stress level and lifestyle between my friends who have helpful grandparents nearby vs. ones who don't.

Otherwise, you can certainly do it but it won't always run smoothly and you feel probably feel frazzled.

The grandparents may help with the younger years but it isn’t as good as kids age. The grandparents don’t get involved with the school pta, become the room parent, coach soccer and basketball. You either put your career first or your kids first. It is really hard to do both.