Should I give up tenured professor position to help DH move higher?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work at a university, and I've seen professors with admin responsibilities go abroad for a year or two with spouse and then come back. I've also seen professors leave for multiple years for a government position and then be welcomed back -- I'd talk with your Dean about options.

If this is real and OP actually makes 180k as a young tenured professor with multiple kids, then they would usually be willing to work with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel all those of you who are advising OP to not giving up her job are biased by her job title. OP’s family clearly doesn’t need her income and she will put her family/marriage under a lot of stress by doing the long distance thing you guys recommended. Will you suggest the same thing if OP is just working a regular corporate job making 190k?

How is the family/marriage under a lot of stress if dad flies in once a month and family meet up on regular vacations and holidays?

DH is a very high performer. At this level long distance relationships aren't unusual. During my expat days I met men who kept family at home while living halfway across the world. It was just for a few years and they made it work.

You don’t think someone in a high power position not seeing his wife/kids for 7 months each year is not going to have a higher chance to cheat?

No more than they would be if they stayed at home. Some people are born to cheat. Others are born to find cheating boring and unattractive.

The danger to the marriage is the workaholism, not working somewhere else and only seeing family seven months out of the year. Pretty clear most posters on here have no exposure to very senior corporate leadership and it's not just the corporate world either.

[Anonymous]

Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

Maybe OP is a creative writing professor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

Maybe op is the husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

I don't think its unsettling at all. People do it all the time for each other in a marriage. Sometimes one person's job has to take precedence over the other. Most people decide that based on money, and sometimes there are other considerations. I think it's just as unsettling to assume the OP should automatically reject the notion of giving up her job because she really likes, if that does not make sense for her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d take a sabbatical and then guest professor teach abroad.

What about the children? Is going to school elsewhere for 3-4 years OK or are they old enough that will be two massive disruptions to their academics and social and athletics?

He has a volatile job, you do not. Together it’s good: high income/volatile, medium income/security/flexilbilty.

You sound like you are not an academic.

[Anonymous]

Would they let you teach remotely? Most other aspects of academic work can be done from home (if committees offer a hybrid format of participation).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

This notion is overblown. There is dream job and dream/ideal family life and setup. I’m not saying OP should do it, but it shows how self-centered we’ve become to find it so inconceivable that a man or a woman may, gasp, give up on something that’s amazing for themself because they prioritized the family….

The other thing I will say it, a lot of “dream jobs” are not what they seem from the outside. I am in academia - not tenured yet - but have many friends who are, and a lot of people would happily quit to pursue passions /early retire if their spouse could make as much as OPs husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

This notion is overblown. There is dream job and dream/ideal family life and setup. I’m not saying OP should do it, but it shows how self-centered we’ve become to find it so inconceivable that a man or a woman may, gasp, give up on something that’s amazing for themself because they prioritized the family….

The other thing I will say it, a lot of “dream jobs” are not what they seem from the outside. I am in academia - not tenured yet - but have many friends who are, and a lot of people would happily quit to pursue passions /early retire if their spouse could make as much as OPs husband.

I wish this perspective was discussed more. In OP's case it's not clear that quitting and supporting DH is the better outcome for the family, but in general I agree, it should not be frowned upon to deprioritize your individual needs so you can better support a spouse you love, or for a better overall family life (whether that means more net income, or moving to a place with more family friendly lifestyle). So OP, kudos to you for even considering this and not being as rigid as some of these PPs who suggest it's ridiculous to a tenured professor to consider any other arrangement when she has a family. Some of the happiest people and couples I know are those who compromised or deprioritized themselves for a spouse or family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

This notion is overblown. There is dream job and dream/ideal family life and setup. I’m not saying OP should do it, but it shows how self-centered we’ve become to find it so inconceivable that a man or a woman may, gasp, give up on something that’s amazing for themself because they prioritized the family….

The other thing I will say it, a lot of “dream jobs” are not what they seem from the outside. I am in academia - not tenured yet - but have many friends who are, and a lot of people would happily quit to pursue passions /early retire if their spouse could make as much as OPs husband.

This. That kind of income could set up a family for life. If you have a solid marriage, I would do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

This notion is overblown. There is dream job and dream/ideal family life and setup. I’m not saying OP should do it, but it shows how self-centered we’ve become to find it so inconceivable that a man or a woman may, gasp, give up on something that’s amazing for themself because they prioritized the family….

The other thing I will say it, a lot of “dream jobs” are not what they seem from the outside. I am in academia - not tenured yet - but have many friends who are, and a lot of people would happily quit to pursue passions /early retire if their spouse could make as much as OPs husband.

I think academia attracts a lot of people that don't want a "real job" / will put up with all the drawbacks for the bit of research they get to do. It seems like a dream job because the alternatives are far worse.

I know that my academic spouse would happily do research w/o an affiliation if he could. (Doesn't work for lab sciences of course)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You worked your whole life to be were you are. You are satisfied there and enjoy it. Don’t give that up. There’s no guarantees with life but you seem great in your position. Visit DH over summer and winter breaks. It’s only 3 years.

This is terrible advice. The family should stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

This notion is overblown. There is dream job and dream/ideal family life and setup. I’m not saying OP should do it, but it shows how self-centered we’ve become to find it so inconceivable that a man or a woman may, gasp, give up on something that’s amazing for themself because they prioritized the family….

The other thing I will say it, a lot of “dream jobs” are not what they seem from the outside. I am in academia - not tenured yet - but have many friends who are, and a lot of people would happily quit to pursue passions /early retire if their spouse could make as much as OPs husband.

This. That kind of income could set up a family for life. If you have a solid marriage, I would do it.

You can also tell from OP's original post that her job is just for stability/benefits. She's coasting. She doesn't want to get into management or "be a superstar in her field" - read, she doesn't want to continue on the publication train and compete for prestigious grants, awards, and fellowships. I know colleagues who do this once they are tenured, and that's totally fine, god knows how hard it is to get there, but they do it because they need the income. There is nothing magical about tenured professor. If OP has a solid marriage, do it for your family and free up the department budget to hear one of the many struggling graduate students or early career professors.