Do you let your child win at games?

[Anonymous]

I have a 6 year old boy who loves to win - at anything. If it's about skill, I let him win. But if he doesn't play fair - e.g., "cheats" by rolling the dice again or claiming it was a 6 when it was a 1 etc, I call him on it. I say to him his friends wouldn't like it he didn't play by the rules. I also don't want to enforce that winning is critical - doing your best is and I showed him that he could still win if he played by the rules. When he was younger than 4, I just him win all the time.

What do you do? When is it age-appropriate to teach the concepts of playing fair, learning to lose graciously?

[Anonymous]

I have a strong willed (& loud!) 4 year old son, who I only very rarely let win. We do play mostly age appropriate games where he legitmately does win some/half of the time (e.g. connect 4, candy land). Even with phyiscal games -- we play a lot of soccer -- I don't typically let him win, though I don't play like I"m playing another adult either.

Even with all this practice losing, he's still a sore loser, which is why I continue to do it. I can't imagine what he'd be like if i let him win all the time, his friends would never want ot play with him! We've also talked a lot about sore losers and winners, but I think practice is more effective.

I also stop playing (boy, do I sound like a harda$# if he's not playing by the rules. Again, I think the key is age appropriate games that he can legitimately play and win; he understands what he's supposed to do...setting him up for success rather than failure.

So yeah, at 6 i would stop letting him win and make him play by the rules

PS: My kids still ask to play games with me all the time, so don't think i'm some game tyrant! It's working!

[Anonymous]

You're on the right track. At 5-6, they still want to win all the time (try putting cousins in the room which are about the same age). And they pout if they don't win.

My DS also would "cheat". I would also stop it, but if he did it more than three times, I would tell him that was wrong and that I wouldn't play. I would then end the game. He would get angry, but when he calmed down, I said that I like to play, but not if we don't follow the rules. Because every game was a hassle with him, I actually turned down all game requests for a couple of weeks. He didn't like that so he finally came around. I usually tried to play 3 games, so there was always a chance of "winning" one. But I wouldn't deliberately try to lose on purpose, though I might play sloppily. What was harder to teach is how to be a good loser. If you lose and start whining, then no one feels good and that was also the end of any more rounds. Tantrums also meant consequences like time out. Those ended after the 2nd one.

By 7, he was mostly over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a strong willed (& loud!) 4 year old son, who I only very rarely let win. We do play mostly age appropriate games where he legitmately does win some/half of the time (e.g. connect 4, candy land). Even with phyiscal games -- we play a lot of soccer -- I don't typically let him win, though I don't play like I"m playing another adult either.

Even with all this practice losing, he's still a sore loser, which is why I continue to do it. I can't imagine what he'd be like if i let him win all the time, his friends would never want ot play with him! We've also talked a lot about sore losers and winners, but I think practice is more effective.

I also stop playing (boy, do I sound like a harda$# if he's not playing by the rules. Again, I think the key is age appropriate games that he can legitimately play and win; he understands what he's supposed to do...setting him up for success rather than failure.

So yeah, at 6 i would stop letting him win and make him play by the rules

PS: My kids still ask to play games with me all the time, so don't think i'm some game tyrant! It's working!

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I have a strong-willed, just turned 5 yo, and we only let her win usually when the game is new or a little hard for her age. This is usually just to show her how you use different strategies to win (like Connect 4) and we'd remind her of the rules and when she needed to pay attention to the other player's move. We also model good sportsmanship and kindness when she wins (legitimately or by letting her) by saying things like - "good game, I really enjoyed it even though I lost" and "hey, that was a really great move". We also try to model appropriate celebration when you win - a little, "yes" and then a "good game" is appropriate.

We've started to hear her repeat back to us some of these things - "that was a smart move Mommy, you blocked my Connect 4" and "good game mommy" (when I legitimately lose). We also see her imitating us with her little 2yo brother - "let me show you how to play and how you win", "good job buddy, so next time I'm not going to let you win". Of course, the 2 yo doesn't get is he's winning or losing the games she's making up for him but is just having fun getting his big sister's attention. However, we see her modeling the good sportsmanship behavior that we have modeled for her.

Bottom line - at 6, your son is old enough to understand that sometmes you win and sometimes you lose and for the most part it's just about spending time with family /friends and having fun. Don't get me wrong, we are somewhat competitive in our house, but we show good sportsmanship no matter what.

[Anonymous]

I don't let my kids win. I do make up card games for my 3 year old where she is most likely going to win. But, if she plays a game with the family, she either wins or loses based on her luck at that time.

By six, my older kids definitely knew that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. We talked a lot about poor sport behavior and how if they engage in it, we'll stop playing games. We also talk about being a gracious winner as well. If we're playing a game of skill, such as chess or checkers, the most I will do is offer them a chance to rethink a really boneheaded move. Afterall, by age six (actually probably by age 5), they are playing games with their peers at indoor recess at school and they are old enough to join things like chess club. So, they should certainly understand the whole sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but regardless you have to be a good sport concepts.

[Anonymous]

We don't let our kids win at games. As PPs have stated, we also teach good sportsmanship -- to quote Susan Polgar, "Win with grace, lose with dignity." This etiquette is reinforced in after-school activities (such as chess club).

[Anonymous]

I'll admit I let my kid, age 4, win at games I'd say 75% of the time. We stack the deck in his favor, which, of course, he doesn't know. But, we do follow the rules and if he "cheats" (yes, yes, I know, the irony), we end the game.

He loves to play games with us, he's a good sport if he loses after he's had a few wins. We're working on being a good loser.

I actually think that for him, the games of chance (e.g., Chutes and Ladders, Candyland) are more frustrating than the games of skill because he can't control the outcome. (Though, of course, we do !)

[Anonymous]

I don't think I was ever a "sore loser" but my parents certainly didn't impart good sportsmanship by controlling my wins and losses. I cheated while playing Life, I cheated when I was the banker in Monopoly until I was like 11. My little brother started calling me out and I grew out of the need to feel that way. Maybe because my youngest sibling was and still is a very sore loser, who my parents worked with continually (and sent her to therapy for anger!) to change.

I'm a little torn between believing that this is another sort of helicopter parenting and sportsmanship should be achieved more organically through interactions with coaches and teachers, but I do understand where many of the PPs are coming from and I appreciate it. I think genetically every person responds with different emotional capacities and either you are a passionate hot-headed person who may never get over it (ie: my baby sister) or you do (myself and the rest of my siblings).

This is a really round about way of saying, I would in no way shape or form control the outcome of a game I was playing with my kids. Honestly, I would feel weird fixing a game in one way or another, it's just "family board game night" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

I just read a book (something about raising boys) that said that around ages 4 to 6, it is OK to let them win. In fact, its good for them. They have this driving need to win and lets face it - only mom and dad is going to let them. And "cheating" is OK too. But at some point, I think it was around age 6 or 7, you start to explain that you know they like to win, but that everyone likes to win, and you won't want to play if you don't get a chance to win also. So, you don't always let them win.

Anyways, I have no idea if this is a credible source, but I let my 4.5 year old win all the time with Board games. He knows I am letting him (we have special "small kid" rules - he gets extra turns, etc). I'll start to gradually introduce the concept that he can't win everytime eventually, but given he's the youngest and smallest in his group at preschool, he's learning the lesson of "losing" on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

My kid is 3.5, and we only have CandyLand. I do not let her win, though I occasionally stack the deck in her favor (I'll sometimes check the next card on the deck, and if it's something that would send her way back, I'll palm it).

To take it slightly off topic, what are good games for the littlest players AND for the parents? CandyLand is the most boring game ever invented. Are there any games that the kid would enjoy, and wouldn't cause brain atrophy in the parent?

[Anonymous]

My son will be 4 next month, and is pretty much obsessed w/ "Zingo" (like Bingo, but w/ pictures). I would say I let him win about 50% of the time.
When he "cheats," I try to reflect what he's feeling, "wow, you really want to win!" and if he's just being blantant and persistent in the cheating, I say what I'm feeling "hmmm...it's no fun forme to play if you aren't being fair." When he first got the game, he was a REALLY sore loser, and we acknowledged his feelings "it's frustrating to lose, etc," and worked with him on that, modeling "good game" etc. We checked a bunch of books out of the library (the only one I can remember as a "Charlie and Lola" book where Lola makes up all her own rules) about fairness and winning.

BUT, now that he's mostly worked through it, my tolerance for un-sportsman-like behavior is pretty low. Last night, his 2yo sister "won" for the first time, and he flipped his board, scattering chips everywhere. That's it. Game over. He knows if he behaves that way it's no fun for other people, and the games end.

I wonder about parents who let their kids win all the time...what happens when a sibling or friend joins the game? I can't impagine "throwing" game so that that my 4yo will beat a 2yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I was ever a "sore loser" but my parents certainly didn't impart good sportsmanship by controlling my wins and losses. I cheated while playing Life, I cheated when I was the banker in Monopoly until I was like 11. My little brother started calling me out and I grew out of the need to feel that way. Maybe because my youngest sibling was and still is a very sore loser, who my parents worked with continually (and sent her to therapy for anger!) to change.

I'm a little torn between believing that this is another sort of helicopter parenting and sportsmanship should be achieved more organically through interactions with coaches and teachers, but I do understand where many of the PPs are coming from and I appreciate it. I think genetically every person responds with different emotional capacities and either you are a passionate hot-headed person who may never get over it (ie: my baby sister) or you do (myself and the rest of my siblings).

This is a really round about way of saying, I would in no way shape or form control the outcome of a game I was playing with my kids. Honestly, I would feel weird fixing a game in one way or another, it's just "family board game night" or whatever.

Good post. I think you are right about kids being predisposed to over-react or handle it. It probably doesn't much matter whether you let the easy kid win or lose. It is the other kind of kid who needs to be taught to be a good loser. I have one hot-head and another who frankly just wants to be playing and doesn't seem to care about the outcome. I never let the hot-head win, though of course I often secretly hope he does ... it is much easier for all of us that way. But I view these games as tools to educate him. I am very gentle, supportive, try to model appropriate behavior, emphasize the fun we are having together, constantly help him anticipate that his luck will change. Frankly, it is a real chore but I think it is a necessity and that you are doing your sore loser a real disservice if you don't practice losing.